Family life constantly feels like strife!

[Fififizz]

Help, I feel like I’m drowning in SEN family life. DS 15 at specialist school which I fought hard for but has turned out to be a very mixed experience (not the setting I was led to believe) but he’s yr10 now. DS dx with AuDHD and on meds which aren’t proving helpful to his behaviour outside of school. Sadly we’d just had glimmers of better and more considerate behaviour before he started them.

I’m sure I’m ND likely AuDHD myself but never get chance to get me sorted. Menopausal with chronic thyroid condition now, probably due to the ongoing stress of family life.

OH who’s not dx either but very similar to DS. DS and DH good at special interests but can’t function/see beyond that.

I’m struggling to cope with managing all the everything else of daily life. I keep starting and shelving projects and work as supporting everyone else is wearing me thin but making me miserable and unwell. DS and DH seem blinkered in this respect.

They just don’t see the domestic side of life that needs daily attention. Meal prep boxes don’t work for DS’s restricted food. I stop eating when stressed. DH oblivious to what goes into cooking every day. Before I met him he had a cleaner/home help and dined mostly on Chinese takeaway. My AuDHD kicks in an I don’t want to eat rubbish but food is currently sending me into overwhelm.

How do I help support me please or do I just put my trainers on and run for the hills? No wider family to help either.

I just feel my executive function and energy is spread so thin trying to cope.

Thanks if you made it this far. Please be kind. x

Sounds really tough

Meal prep boxes work in my house as the kids who have very restricted eating won’t touch what the rest of us eat anyway, so I find myself cooking multiple meals daily, and at least the meal prep one takes that decision making away.

Could you get a box for you and your dh, so at least you are eating well? I find the Hello Fresh ones easy to follow, and my non-cooking teens can do them with a bit of support, so it may encourage your dh to do some of cooking and ease the pressure on you a bit?

@Username999999

Thanks for replying and recognising the struggle is real! Sometimes I feel like I’m just moaning as my DH and DS seem
blinkered as to how the dynamic is negatively impacting me and my health/wellbeing. I’ve got myself stuck in a doom cycle re the food prep boxes. All the ones I’ve researched (lots, as it must be my ND brain) have drawbacks. Some seem poor quality, some are over complicated, some too much waste plastic. I think my
loop is forget eating my body doesn’t want to. I shut down when in overwhelm.

I just assumed as DS got older life would get easier but it doesn’t feel like it. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older.

I shall attempt to resolve the food issue when calmer. Thank you for recommending Hello Fresh.

I can relate and I think you got yourself stuck in a problem that doesn't need to be one. Take it as a win that your dh and ds don't have any high demands regarding food. Let them eat Chinese takeaway, or if your ds wants plain rice, plain bread etc, let him eat it. He can probably even make it for himself. They are probably happy to sort themselves out rather than you being resentful. They'll manage fine on their own. They would have to manage if you ran for the hills, after all, and your dh was fine before you met. I assume your ds has a school lunch, so he won't starve. Then just think about what you'd like and prioritise this, together with some time for yourself. Enjoy the cooking, maybe open a bottle, listen to music etc.. Keep it simple - even a toasty or just a banana eaten in peace tastes better than a 3 course meal that overwhelmed and stressed you.

@NellyBarney

Thanks, I have definitely got myself into a pickle with it all and I’m drained as my hypothyroidism is autoimmune and I just don’t have the energy I used to. I definitely need to outsource some stuff and ease my the load.

I worry when my DS survives on rubbish food as it doesn’t help his ADHD. He’s more of a dopamine seeker with food and his eating is restricted, he gets school lunch but doesn’t eat much and he’s very thin. I’m trying to cover too many people’s needs and the traditional all eating one family meal just doesn’t work. I go off food when I get overwhelmed. DH isn’t quite as fussy food wise. I’m running on fumes currently but it’s good to know other people get it. Sometimes daily life just seems so complicated and stressful trying to achieve simple ordinary things like feeding everyone that I think I somehow create all the issues myself. Just pulling back and recognising people will have to fend for themselves whatever the consequences whilst I recover my energy is helpful.

Can you afford to outsource some of the domestic chores?

For meals, don’t worry about having the same thing at the same time. Would online shopping help? And batch cooking - even if you just cook an extra portion or two when you cook sometimes. Or having variations of the same thing e.g. pasta but with different sauces (or no sauce but grated cheese or Parmesan).

@perpetualplatespinning

Yes, I definitely need to outsource some parts somehow. I don’t have the bandwidth to focus on the websites and choices for meal boxes and online shopping sends me into similar overwhelm currently. Online stuff and all the choices is something I struggle with when my executive function is maxed out. It’s like my one brain is multitasking and executive functioning for 3 people. As DS and DH just don’t operate like me. They’re much more linear but then get angry when they forget or misplace things etc. I’m the one who’s getting frazzled though trying to keep everyone on track. I’m worse now in menopause and with the thyroid issue. I just don’t have any back up energy reserves to power through it. Powering through it isn’t the answer either really as it doesn’t actually resolve anything. I definitely need to look at what can compartmentalised and outsourced.

Hi, From your message I get that you are really overwhelmed with life. I am too. Tired, overwhelmed and have thought about running from the hills like you. I have been signposted to MIND, so I self-referred and go to a free, 1 one hour session a month. Each month there is a different low impact activity to do. It’s not about the activity it’s about spending some time for me, in a different setting, with other kind people (we don’t discuss what’s going on) and having a break from your life. I’ve only been to two sessions but it’s helping. When I remember I put earphones in and listen to my favourite music (even for 10 minutes while I’m cooking or cleaning). It’s so, so hard to focus on our own resilience and give time to try to remember to empty our own buckets when we’ve got to run a household and deal with everyone else’s issues. I have also recently started a beginners yoga class (stopped for the summer holidays though) and that has been a life saver for me. It’s one hour, once a week and I can’t wait to go back. It’s Low impact movements (some do it sitting) with other menopausal women and some older men and women. I’m sending you a big hug and hope you can find some headspace/time to exhale/time to think with out demands/time to be kind to you.