19 year old… really struggling and I don’t know what to do

[funkystars123]

my DS has ADHD and ASD, he’s always struggled with school etc but it seems to be getting harder and harder for him.

He had a relationship for a year which ended late last summer, he then got himself in some trouble which involved the police. It’s resolved now but I don’t think he’s processed it at all.

Hes also fallen out with his best friend, this has meant he’s lost all of his friendship group. This has been a recurring pattern over the years.

He has been doing body work at college, got an apprenticeship last year and was doing ok. But he’s found it harder and harder to stick at.

He hurt his arm a couple of weeks ago and hasn’t been to work… is now refusing to go back, did go in yesterday but came home, was sick in the night and now won’t go.

He won’t take medication, won’t accept therapy, refuses to engage in any types of activity apart from football. He’s part of a team just about… needs a lot of support to stay but its summer so now a long break.

In the past we have always been able to find a new path, support him and keep moving forwards but he’s so sad and flat at the moment.

Just stays in his room on YouTube, his voice is flat and his eyes look vacant.

I can’t reach him, have tried so many different ways….

not sure what the point of this is other than getting it out.. we feel so so lost and hopeless

Just seen your post and didn't want to read and leave. Cant offer much advise as we are in a similar place and unsure what to do next. Ours has a SW but even she has said 'You need to meet halfway.' I can only live in hope that things will get better as they get older. I've also thought of getting some counselling for myself just to have some reassurance at times that we're doing the right thing. I feel it's right to have expectations of our teens, but it's hard when they give you a hate you for it! I was very anxious as a young person, but I'm glad my parents pushed me to get a job, go to uni etc etc as hard as it was. Take one day at a time, you're doing the best you can.

Thank you! We have had a slightly better weekend as he went back to work and that seemed to help him pick up a bit…

Just keep moving forward…

Hope everything gets a bit easier for you!

How are things now @funkystars123?

Hope things are getting better for you. I am in a similar situation but only one friend who DS fallen out with. Just taking it day by day, walking on eggshells so not exacerbate low mood. Banging my head on every wall I can find trying to get professional help for DS. The fight for help is draining.

Thank you for the replies... Tbh I not sure what to do at the moment. His mental health is so poor and hes so unhappy but he won't do anything to get help. He just says nothing will help.

He wont go to the doctor or even take pain medication when he's hurt.

We also have a daughter with ASD and PDA who is 17.

At the moment I feel like leaving home. I love them so much but I just don't know how to help them.

Sorry for all the questions 🙄 😊

Have you been to the doctor to let them know what the situation is with your son?

Would your son go with you if you made an appointment?

If he won’t go then go on your own to voice your concerns.

Be picky about which doctor you go to. Choose one that listens and is knowledgeable about mental health - if you look on the surgery website it sometimes gives a bio about each individual doctor. Book a double appointment even if it’s 2,4,6 weeks to wait.

More importantly are you in contact with MIND, Carers Resource and does the doctor know what you are dealing with mentally and emotionally? You need support for you.
You are a brilliant mum but can’t do it alone. You need help to find services that are out there with professionals that can help.

Take a deep breath my love and make those calls.

Please let us know how you get on. Sending you a big hug 🤗

Thank you for replying!

We did go to the doctors last year, was prescribed anti depressants but wont take them… doesn't want to go back but am going to try again.

Have tried to talk to GP but now he's 19 they wont talk to me about him… I think I might need to Tey to find another GP.

We had a weekend away as a family and he just didn't cope at all, became defensive and angry which I know is his reaction to feeling out of control but my daughter is so upset.

Going to try to talk to him this evening

Hi,
it’s ok the doctors won’t talk to you - it’s you who is giving them information about one of their patients. They don’t need to tell you anything as you are living it. You need help and they are the first point of contact. If they can’t help they can signpost you to someone who can.

I’m not sure if your son is too old but I think your daughter will be in the age catchment for Early Help. They work with the whole family. I’ve found them helpful, even if it’s just to signpost to another service. Plus it’s support for you. They signposted me to a counselling service called Well Spring which I think is nationwide.

Us mums just battle on but I’m slowly finding out there are support systems you can tap into and get help.

https://neurodivergentinsights.com/blog/low-demand-parenting

Also I found this on another recent thread. I’ve only just learnt about this from CAHMS and Early Help. I am finding that it’s really helping.

Thank you… this is great.. we try to do low demand with our daughter and it works well although it’s getting trickier as she gets older… the world places more demands!

I am really lost in relation to my son at the moment- he seems to feel that this house and our family is what causes all of the stress for him and that he needs to get away from us.

He wants to move out and share with friends- I would love for him to be able to do this but he just couldn’t cope and I think it’s so unlikely to actually happen as he can’t afford a deposit etc…

But he seems so resentful of us and this house that I think this is just another way to deflect from him taking responsibility and deflecting onto us.

I would do anything to help him but he just won’t accept any help- just seems to be stuck in saying nothing will work for him and he can only rely on himself.

He’s so hard to live with and the pressure has made the rest of us so stressed that we are all unhappy.

I feel like we are so stuck, he’s an adult and needs to take responsibility for himself but can’t but won’t let anyone else help.

I really feel for you. We have been going through the same thing. Anything I say is wrong, anything I do is wrong. DS not eating meals with us or spending any time with us
(waits until we’ve eaten and then eats standing up in the kitchen or takes the food to his room). DS also wants to move out but can’t afford it.

Thank you for responding… it’s so tough isn’t it. I know how hard things are for him but he needs to take responsibility for his own life with our support rather than seeing everything as our problem!