ASD teens meltdowns and fights

[AutismTimesTwo]

Just at my wits end really with ASD DC aged 16 and 17.
Both have different needs, are in school/college but at home can argue and physically fight, usually when the PDA teen is not in absolute control.
I like to think we are reasonably well versed in making adaptations for both of them, but despite this and showing a lot of empathy, I am finding their behaviour increasingly hard to cope with.
They do have periods of getting on well and doing stuff together.
Not really looking for advice, just solidarity as I find this such a lonely experience, despite having a supportive DH and another younger DC (also ASD)

Wow. Sending virtual hugs.
In your description I notice that you and DH make the efforts and adapt, but your sons aren't always managing to do that for each other!
Which makes me think, as a first point, it's not your failing. There's something they are going to have to find out, with your help.
All the best.

Thanks. That is the problem. The DC can sometimes manage to see the other's POV. Other times, not at all which is when the conflicts arise.

Obviously this is normal within any family, but with ASD teens, it's very intense. I do often feel like a failure, I think that is one reason why it is so isolating. But I appreciate you saying it's not our failing, I do know that really.

Have they been vet been assessed for adhd as well? Both of mine fight. One is AuDHD and the other mainly inattentive ADHD and they can dopamine chaw by winding each other up then falling out.

It used to drive me nuts but know they are more aware of who they are and older I just say "stop it and go and find your dopamine somewhere else" and mostly they grin and stop.

@TinyMouseTheatre that is such a good point. I do suspect the eldest may be AuDHD as well. For example, their time blindness drives the rigid PDA one mad.

That's so good to hear of someone for whom things have improved.

How old are your DC now?

I have seen a big change for the better in the eldest over the last 12 months and just hope the younger one will do the same soon.

For example, their time blindness drives the rigid PDA one mad.

Oh god o feel your pain! Both DC have ADHD, I'm being assessed and I suspect DH has it too. The time blindness is real. I also suspect that the youngest has PDA as well as ASD, ADHD and ARFID

@TinyMouseTheatre isn't it SO painful? I've got a couple of good friends who I can talk to, but despite their teens having different, more typically NT issues, I feel increasingly isolated when telling them about the shit that goes on in our house sometimes!
WW3 over the timings for using the bathroom for example, more than once risking my PDA child miss a public exam. It sounds so ridiculous. Things aren't at that level this week, I've just overheard them being entirely polite over who goes in first, but when they have other stressors, they seem to find this impossible.
Trouble is, I'm walking on eggshells so much, it's chronically stressful. The moment there is a cross word between them, I feel like it's going to escalate and get violent, it's dreadful.
Thanks for the solidarity - 💐back to you, especially with the added ARFID issues (my youngest DC is recovering from anorexia) Good luck with all of your assessments too - we all now have DX, DH and I included and are trying to navigate therapy for all of us. Knowing does help though.

I know. I simply don't know how we are all still living in the same house and me and DH are still married some days

We have talked on occasions of one of us needing to move out with one of the DC in order to survive.
We haven't done any more than talk about it in the darkest of times, but I've no idea either.