Partner being horrible to my SN son

[Val1607]

This is a long story, so bear with. - I'm just looking for support here, a shoulder to cry on. I can't leave, at least not now. And no, I won't have my son committed either! This situation is difficult enough as is so please be kind.

My son 15 has autism and ADHD and was recently diagnosed with SETD5 as well. He got diagnosed with autism quite late (age 11). He's got several medical issues like a heart defect (partially repaired now), strabismus, scoliosis and kyphosis, incontinence and a slight speech impediment due to the alignment of his teeth /jaw. He has adaptive functioning issues, poor memory, poor hygiene and sensory issues (he's sensitive to smell and he cannot feel when something is wet or damp like clothing or when he's had an accident, or when it's cold). Since he was 11 we have been dealing with harmful sexual behaviour (towards himself). He will tie himself up and choke himself out while masturbating, or he will take underwear of mine or female family members to wear while he masturbates. He has thus far abused any and all access to the Internet (even the gif keyboard on his phone, Netflix, Spotify (he thought it was a good idea to listen to sex podcasts at the park on Spotify) etc) to search for Asian women being kidnapped, bound and gagged, virtual gfs etc., leading to us having to take any and all electronics away apart from the mp3 player as we control the content on there)

When my son was little, I was married to his father. My ex husband didn't work so I would often work when my son came home from nursery until late at night and only see him on weekends and in the mornings when taking him to school. My ex husband didn't care for him properly and only did the bare minimum. He wasn't allowed to eat with us and seemed more of a nuisance for my ex. He used to get angry with him for his defiance or wrong doing / lying and constant bed wetting. My ex husband was sometimes cruel (he'd make my son stand in the corner with a rucksack full of books hanging off his arms when he was a toddler for misbehaving). My ex husband was mentally abusive to me as well and when I wanted to end things he turned violent. I did not want my son in the middle of this so I sent him to live with my mom abroad (he was 7 then).

I was completely destroyed and at my lowest from years of being told I'm not good enough, I'm fat etc.
Until I met my current partner. I had never experienced happiness like I did with him. He built me from the ground up and made me confident and strong and frequently told me how beautiful I am. We barely ever fought. He had an alcohol problem but quit drinking 3 years into our relationship. He had 3 children of his own but wasn't allowed to see any of them due to falling out with their mother.

After 6 years my son came back to live with us (medical professionals kept saying it wouldn't be good to take him home with him having so many medical issues etc at least whilst he was in primary school and then Covid came which delayed things further). A day after my son came back I found out I was pregnant (very unexpected because Dr's told me I couldn't have more kids). At first my partner and my son got along well. Little issues here and there but with a teen nothing unusual. Then at 14 weeks I lost my baby. It broke us and it made my partner very bitter and angry (he always had anger in him but now it got worse). I fell pregnant again and lost the baby at 15 weeks and it made my partner more angry.

My son being 15 now, his issues seem to be getting worse as he gets older- having constant issues with incontinence (and not noticing it - he sometimes poops himself too and doesn't notice he wears adult diapers for protection), issues with adaptive functioning, poor memory, lack of hygiene etc. He often lies, makes up stories or argues /is defiant very frequently. This frustrates and angers my partner a lot. We are trying to get help but it's a very slow process and for some things we are still waiting on help (like the incontinence or his general home life). He has counselling for the harmful sexual behaviour but it seems to be doing very little.

It is incredibly tough to deal with 24/7 as he can't be left alone and someone has to check on him every 20-30 minutes and doors can't be shut either when he's in the room. My bedroom door and office now have locks on them. Regardless of the situation I love my son more than anything and when me and my son have good days, we have a lot of fun together!

However, my partner keeps going OTT with his shouting at my son and just literally making a huge deal out of small things (because the big ones frustrate and anger him so much). He will also make snide remarks or insult my son saying things like "you haven't got the brain capacity to use the toilet properly but will happily stand in your room with soiled underwear and masturbate while tying yourself up" or he'll say stuff like "perverts like you end up in jail or assisted living so might as well forget about your education as nobody will hire a pervert". When I wasn't present a few days ago he slapped him because my son had pooped the bed and tried to hide it, putting on clean clothes over soiled diapers and lying about it (normally he'll just go to have a shower without trouble). I freaked out. I told him before it wasn't OK to slap my kid and he ignored me. Said he used to get slapped/getting a slap in the back of the head by his mom frequently and it always set him straight. I said if at all he had to administer any corporal punishment, he was OK to smack his bottom as long as he wouldn't go OTT as I don't approve of violence and especially with his issues he's already got, slapping or hitting him in the head regardless of how hard is a bad idea) . Literally 20 minutes later, he's being nice as pie to him and even made him tea. I don't get it?! It's like he's got a split personality.

I know I should leave, I truly do. But I wouldn't be able to cope on my own with all my sons issues and we already don't get help now, imagine what it would be like on my own. Having a full time job on top of this is stressful and wouldn't be manageable on my own. I've been in therapy for the past 2 years but my therapist just moved abroad. My partner thinks he has zero issues and it's "that" (my son) I should be shouting at not him. He won't do counselling with me, parenting courses he'll do, as long as he doesn't have to miss work for it (but he still thinks it's bs - someone else telling him how to parent). Professionals have told him his behaviour is wrong but he keeps saying "well, they don't have to live with it every day".

Things would be a lot easier if he stopped the constant snide remarks and insults/provoking situations. This morning my son made porridge and left some milk in the jug. He was still using it but my partner took it away (to use for his tea) knowing it would cause my son to get upset and then giving my son grief for getting upset and asking why he took it.
The shouting phases my son 0 and 2 seconds later he's forgotten about it, but I haven't. Behaviour like that can be so damaging.

I usually stay out of his way when he deals with my son as I don't want to frustrate him further but then I get accused of not doing anything. I think I have ADHD too (undiagnosed) and I can understand my son a bit better /overlook things or let the small things go more easily. My partner doesn't understand that my son cannot function the way he wants him to and if he doesn't do things the way my partner does them it's wrong. My partner is very rigid so I think he may have undiagnosed autism himself.

I hope we get help soon, I can't keep going like this, I'm exhausted 😭

I'm can understand that you don't want to face coping without your "D"P but it doesn't sound as though you're coping now.

It sounds as though you've moved from one abusive relationship to another abuser who is now abusing both you and your DS.

Does your DS have a SW? Can you talk to them about the abuse that your P is handing out on a regular basis?

Hi, yes, we've had 4 social workers over the past year but literally everyone who came was giving us this big speech saying how they were going to help and then left or got pulled from the case. The longest a social worker stayed was 3 months. They all knew of his behaviour because I told them about it (my partner would always say I'm throwing him under the bus but honestly I don't care, he shouldn't act this way if he didn't want people to tell him his behaviour is wrong and he never denied anything when brought up). We have been rejected by social workers saying there's nothing wrong here because my son has a roof over his head and a bed to sleep in. It took me several times to say we need another social worker to come as we're not coping.

We had 2 social workers that tried to help us getting the school to apply for an EHCP, which they refused to do for 2 years until they were forced to apply by the social worker. They said in their application they're adequately supporting my son in school (which isn't true) and the council refused to even assess. As soon as we had that letter the social worker went "he no longer meets our threshold for care so our support will be withdrawn. We had the harmful sexual behaviour team show up to one multi agency meeting and said he doesn't meet their threshold for care. We then had another one of these meetings (after we complained again that we need a social worker) where the social worker tried involving the disabilities team and they refused to get involved as well because of his harmful sexual behaviour. Literally everyone is failing us and my son! When will they act? When he's accidentally killed himself???

I understand to a degree why my partner is so frustrated with him and quick to anger. My son is very rigid and argumentative. My partner is a drainage engineer so he works with excrement and urine on a daily basis to then come home and smell it all over again. I am also asking him to care for a child that's not his own that has a lot of medical issues. All of that on top of not getting to see his own kids and having 2 die. It's awful. BUT it in no way excuses the way he speaks to my son or often won't let him speak or finish telling him something "because whatever comes out of that boys mouth is rubbish or a lie". Trust me, I am just as unhappy and frustrated with my son at times for the things he does but I also know there are things he can't help. Which is why I overlook the small stuff, so we can have peace and memorable times.

My partner thinks I'm being too soft on him and treat him like a baby. That might be true to a degree but I need to cancel out the negative that comes from him. Sometimes my son agrees with him and says he is isn't wrong for some of the things he says - like lazy teenager, not helping around the house etc. You have to prompt my son for anything you want him to do and he'll do it. He doesn't realize himself the trash needs taking out or he's left a mess. This annoys my partner to no end because he says when he was a kid and chores weren't done by the time his mom got home he was in big trouble.

But this isn't 1981... Times change ffs. I've been through so much shit already, why can't something just work out for once? Being a little nicer isn't hard! He keeps saying my son needs to change not him. Well, if it was as easy as that I'm sure my son would have done it!!!! He doesn't like being told he's abusive because he always says he's not violent. He was the one who pointed out my ex was mentally abusive so funny that he doesn't see it smh

You have to prioritise DS and work towards leaving.

When did the LA refuse to assess? Did you appeal? You didn’t need to wait for the social or children’s services to make that request. You could have made the request yourself. It is worth reading IPSEA and SOSSEN’s websites to understand the process and law better.

If you have had social care assessments (a carer’s assessment for you and an assessment by the children with disabilities team for DS) and have been refused support, you should complain. Or if it was too long ago, request new assessments. You could also look at your local short breaks offer.

What support for DS’s medical conditions are you/he receiving?

If DP wanted access to his DC, he could have made an application to the courts.

If DP wanted access to his DC, he could have made an application to the courts

If he has/had a drink problem it might be that the Courts have said that he can't see them.

Maybe, but that is not what the OP said. She posted, “He had 3 children of his own but wasn't allowed to see any of them due to falling out with their mother.” That makes no mention of court or anything of that nature.

Yes she did absolutely say they and it could be true but it is an excuse used by many men or indeed some women when they e been stopped from seeing their DC or just can't be bothered.

@Val1607 this post is excellent. I hope you take the time to read through it and answer sone of the questions.

Yes, it is an excuse used by many men. ‘Can’t be bothered’ was my precise point. If DP really wanted to see/speak to his DC, he would have jumped through the necessary hoops, including court and addiction support if necessary.

If either the OP or the DP is not being truthful about that, there are more problems than the OP posted.

@BrightYellowTrain Hi, we've not really had any support until very recently. My son goes to harmful sexual behaviour therapy once a week but that's it.

The LA declined our application in August. The reason we didn't apply ourselves is because we kept being told by social workers that the school needs to apply because the chances will be higher to get it as they'd otherwise ask why the parents are applying and not the school and possibly reject it.

We didn't appeal their decision as the school said he's receiving enough support (supposedly!) so we'd be rejected again. school as well as an organisation called SENDIASS have also both told us not to bother as it's a waste of time. Apparently the LA here rarely grants an EHCP beyond 16 and it wouldn't benefit him at school any longer as he'd have left school by the time one were granted. We did say to them an EHCP could potentially help a young adult until they're 25 (through college for instance) but their reasoning was that only severely disabled people would get it beyond 18 and only if still in education. Our new SW said she will help us appeal and get the right support as school has definitely not done their part. We had a multi agency meeting with the school and they couldn't even answer simple questions about the support he's supposedly receiving or his grades (which are dreadful due to the lack of support).

last month our new social worker referred us to the disabilities team (finally!) and they refused to get involved or even assess as well because they wanted "the harmful sexual behaviour to be resolved before getting involved"🤦 I honestly don't get it... But they have had another crisis meeting now and pushed the disabilities team to get involved, we're meeting with someone this week.

@TinyMouseTheatre my partner's ex wife cheated on him and he tried for 2 years to make things work with her but she was more interested in herself and the bloke she cheated with (she didn't work either) while my partner looked after the kids (2), worked and paid for everything despite being separated.

he then met someone online and decided to move to the USA to be with her as he deemed it best his children shouldn't see the constant fighting between him and their mom. They also had a child together and he overstayed his visa to be with his new son. Him and the mother didn't get along for long because she was abusing drugs when he was trying to stay sober for his son which led to their break up.

He tried having his son live with him as the mom was not a suitable environment and was constantly moving, but he had no rights there and police kept saying they'd need to find her with a needle in her arm for him to get his kid. He got deported after 5 years and she blocked all contact. 4 years ago we got contacted by a lawyer in the US asking if we wanted custody of his son as mom had dumped him with her ex to go on a drug bender and then tried to commit suicide. He's still living with her ex now as the courts have told us this kid will never leave the US...he has weekly video chats with his son.

When he came back to the UK he tried to see his other children but his ex wouldn't let him (understandably). He's tried making up for leaving and had reconnected with his kids, yet all he was to his ex and the kids was an ATM. He wanted to be in his children's lives so often whatever they wanted for Christmas etc he got them.

2 years ago his younger son (uk) wanted VR goggles costing £400 for Xmas. That was a lot of money so my partner said he'll get the £300 previous model and it would be birthday and Xmas gift in one as they're so close together. His ex threw a fit as she had to put her hand in her pocket to get him the more expensive version. FF to his eldest sons birthday that following year, who has autism. He is into retro games so my partner got him one of those adapters that turns your phone into a Gameboy. She wasn't happy with how much it cost and said she wouldn't give him the gift and told her son he's getting nothing for his birthday from dad just like his brother 🤦after that she blocked him and on the kids phones too. Very mature! And yes, I've seen all the messages and heard all the conversations with his ex...

Unfortunately, you were misinformed about requesting an EHCNA yourself, your chances of a successful appeal and EHCPs post 16.

Request another EHCNA using IPSEA’s model letter. Then appeal if the LA refuse. The vast majority of appeals are upheld. You are out of the appeal window for the previous decision in August, so will need to make another request. You can request leave to appeal out of time but it is not likely SENDIST will agree.

Don’t listen to the school. They often incorrectly tell parents their DC don’t need or won’t get an EHCP. DS clearly needs more support.

Don’t listen to SENDIASS either. They are not truly independent. They receive LA funding and will ultimately toe the party line. IPSEA and SOSSEN are better sources of information.

EHCPs can continue until 25, or 26 in some cases. EHCPs are still beneficial post 16.

Great Info, thank you I will look at what you have mentioned. We have also asked my son's social worker to help organise psychiatric help for him as he only has 2 sessions left with the youth worker for his harmful sexual behaviour and he needs more help than we can give him. My partner has agreed to couples counselling as our social worker says things need to be better between me and him as we need a strong bond to deal and cope with everything