What do I do, just accept he'll never manage to have any proper friendships?

[NearlyOrganised]

My AuDHD DS (12) is doing OK in secondary, the luxury of saying even that,' is not lost on me as he had an awful time in Primary. He's an only child and used to be so sociable and enthusiastic about being with any other children. The experience of bullying has made him very wary and his social skills are so under developed for his age, that he's not really managed to make any proper friends in secondary and it breaks my heart. The connections he does have, hes ruined by being blatantly 2 faced - posting mean pics of a 'friend' on the class whatsapp, always bitching about another (really genuine kid) on the phone. In addition, hes just immature - in a good mood he'll repeat endlessly the same stupid comments about smoking - which hes found hilarious for a few years, and then fall about laughing. His diction is so bad that to people who don't know him well, he's just babbling and hysterical and they cant understand him. He's weird - yet will criticise and be intolerant of other kids who are open to being friends with him, because they are weird. He does a football club 4 nights a week and has done for a couple of years - as I cant stand him sitting around at home, watching the same rubbish short clip over and over. And the connections he tends to make there are, with kids who are 4 years younger than him. Ive always tried to encourage him just to say hi to people, make as many connections however insignificant, join in with whatever but to no avail. He was selected by the school SEND for a socialising programme with sports activities last summer, but never made any connection and in fact I discovered hed been bitching about a fellow participant with a speech impediment on a group whatsapp.

It must be so difficult for you as a Mum and I haven't really got much advice apart from pointing out that you don't bitch on group WhatsApps but you've probably told him that already and it's also probably fallen on deaf ears.

Does he have an ECHP and does it include SaLT?

Are you a member of your local ASD Group? Ours does put on some social activities.

Has he tried Scouts too? Ours is very inclusive but I know that they're not all like that.

Thanks so much for getting back to me. We couldn't get into scouts but tried air cadets, but he was unable to cope with the concentration and annoyed the other kids - they were inclusive it just didn't suit him. I feel like Im constantly reprimanding him for being mean about others; although I do wonder if its more normal for their age - based on observation of the class whatsapp / other conversations Ive read on his phone. But either way its not my values at all and will not help him make friends. I hadnt thought of the ASD group and will check it out.

My DF had a lovely DS who also struggled to make friends for quite a long time. The local ASD group really helped. It also helped his DPs (my DFriend) as there were other Parents of DC who had ASD.

He's probably too young g now but when he's older you could get him to read "How to win friends and influence people". It's a great guide for anyone but some people with ASD do find it particularly useful

What support is DS receiving? Does he have an EHCP? Has he had SALT and OT assessments and is he receiving ongoing support from them?

What about a social care assessment? That can help with a PA to help him access the community.

Do you have a youth group for DC with additional needs locally?

Is DS on medication?

I would be tightening access and controls on his phone.

12 is still very young and at this age the gulf between the mature kids and the others can be huge, regardless of any SN. Makes sense that he connects with children younger than him as they’ll relate in a much simpler and straightforward way. This will even out as he gets older and matures himself, but may take longer than you expect.

I wouldn’t underestimate how hard it is adjusting to secondary and perhaps most of his energy is going to that still and he doesn’t have any spare for much friendship stuff? I know plenty of NT children who only make superficial friends in year 7 and don’t deepen them until year 8+.

How does your son feel about his friendship situation? I ask because when I’ve posted about similar friendship worries re my Autistic child, I’ve been reminded that those were my concerns and not theirs. In my case, my child says they’re happy with their number/level of friendships and so I’m trying to learn how to not be led by how sociable I think they should be. Albeit I’m still gently encouraging and supporting them with friendship stuff where they let me!

Hold tight as the next few years will be tough but with maturity things should improve. All you can do is keep modelling the right behaviour at home, and maybe start a reward system. It’s so hard and tiring but consistency is key although not magic, try and think long term. Sometimes the improvements are so small they are hard to notice.
I would work with the senco at school, see if there is any other support they can offer. Push for as much help as possible. Does he have an EHCP? Join every additional needs group you can, for both parenting and socialising for your son.
Speak with other family members as you all need to be on the same page.
Good luck OP.

How are things now @NearlyOrganised?