Coping with Neet children

[Starlightstarbright3]

My Ds (17) did 2 colleges, an apprenticeship which he was sacked from after a month .

He has Asd/ ADHD so i know things are more challenging for him ..

however I have friends with lots of children similar ages.. all going to uni visits - doing amazing things . They are rightly proud of their children .

My Ds is bearly functioning . He seems to have no motivation to do anything .

when I see friends i literally come home feeling like crap - wanting to never socialise again .

so my question is how do you cope with these feelings? I feel completely isolated right now .. I am a Lp so come home and cry to myself . My high point is going to work where I can not be myself for a few hours

My son has ASD/ADHD; he has been through A levels and uni and an MA. He is still going to find regular employment difficult though. But I am cautiously optimistic he will have a happy and fulfilling life regardless of other people's idea of a regular job.

I suppose it all starts with looking at what he enjoys and start at the beginning. My son would have done a level 1 or two in drama or media if he hadnt passed his GCSEs sufficiently well (and that only happened because he was scribed...he dictated every answer)

I noticed the powers that be often shoe horn our children/young adults in the paths they think will suit but it isn't necessarily their primary interest. My son didn't like IT or science not was he very practical. He was interested in politics and business and theatre.

The sense of failure is acute at that age. They internalise it very quickly. Could your son also be low on vitamin D. My other 17 year old who was really really demotivated at that age and scraped into sixth form with music turned out to have vitamin D deficiency,readily remedied by a prescription from GP. So by the time I got to son number two I kept vitamin D checking. Son 2 with ASD much more energetic cheery as a result.

But also I wasn't letting anyone shoe horn him.

It's a long road. You will find some of your friends brilliant motivated children will have their own problems and stresses further down the track. There isn't a magical point that adult children are fixed and sorted nor would one want there to be. That isn't our job. Our job is to intervene to provide possibilities not answers

I'm sure your son is a fine young man who deep down is longing to find his success but just hasn't yet found what that might look like...could be employment could be study could be getting comfortable in his own skin socialising,exercise, a new interest

Your post made me feel sad Starlight especially as I don't know you and can't be a friend to you. My son is 22 now and has ASD, he has no motivation and few friends and I like you have to listen to friends who have children who are out at parties, going on holiday alone and at Uni. When I get low I try to 'zone out' and listen to Headspace, trying to be in the moment and not look ahead or at the past. Just enjoy the comforts of now. It helps me.
I also try to spend time with friends who are sensitive to my situation. A good friend shouldn't be talking in a way to upset you. There are other parents, like us, who are trying to be happy with the small achievements. In fact there are many people without children and I wouldn't go on for hours bragging about having them.
You sound like a lovely person and I'm sure your friends care about you. Your son is young and there is time for him to work things out. My son was greatly helped by Princes Trust. They really boosted his confidence.

I think first step would be gp for a blood test; also look at his EHCP...presumably he has one. And start the ball rolling re further options in your area. EHCP s should run till 25 if you want them to. An apprenticeship is pretty tough going when you havent yet got those life skills and getting up in the morning feels the hardest thing to do, often it does at that age teen sleep patterns being so out of whack.

I think my son's life changed for the better when he became obsessed by our local football team at 11. he attends every match , initially with a parent and then by himself or a few similar types and many away games. He became an independent traveller as a result and fresh air and exercise from just walking to and from matches. He doesn't play football himself though! He is hopeless at actual sport. He travels musicalsabroad just to go to a football match. It doesn't have to be football, I'm just using that as an example of a springboard interest that can bring a host of benefits. Same with Andrew Lloyd webber musicals. Im not interested in these things (perhaps a bit!) but he is. When he is down about life as he is sometimes, these interests revive him and give him purpose; it doesn't look like worldly success but it is, to me, that he enjoys things.

Thank you for your lovely replies .. They made me cry .

ironically i have a vitaminD deficiency .. I ended up at the Dr’s there are a few other health issues - that really they are looking at in isolation- so not getting to the route of it . If I go to the Gp - they write how much stress I am under - feel they want to do more but there is no solution . I am on antidepressants since last year. to cope with my Ds , on amitriptalyne to sleep and tension headaches.. so not much more they can do

I might try to get my Ds to take a multi vitamin as a start..

I do have good friends who would feel awful if they knew how i felt but I also don’t want them to feel they can’t share there pride , always have to hide that so i make jokes to cover it .

I do hear a lot he needs to find his special interest a lot . He doesn’t have one - He has never had any that has been useful . He was obsessed with Donald trump - I expected him to expedited at some point .

An echo is pointless . He did look at going back to college but basically wasn’t welcome after the previous year. He has a high IQ but I don’t think education is for him., he needs far more support than further education are prepared to give .

The only agencies involved are Camhs - who he hates - he only remains there for medication reviews - he refuses all other input.

i found an apprenticeship place that did support . He refused to entertain it. For unknown reasons had a bee in his bonnet.about the place.

i paid for him to go to the gym last month . He refused to go after the first time as he got out of breath🤷‍♂️..

Is there a parent carer support group locally? That could help you feel less alone and isolated. Is DS receiving any support? An EHCP isn’t pointless. It doesn’t have to be traditional education. Or if DS does want more traditional academic learning, an EHCP can provide the support to enable that, including provision at home if necessary.

I understand what you’re going through as I’ve gone/going through the same. My DD is a bit older and it’s incredibly hard work. She’s never actually worked, well apart from a few pt jobs, waitressing, etc, never employed for long. She’s also ASD and ADHD. Currently she’s in Uni but actually getting a job and then of course keeping it…is a whole new board game. She's always tired due to having ADHD. Your feelings are your feelings and quite often others cannot completely understand how this impacts you as it’s not happening to them. I’m on sertraline and tend to journal now which helps me get my feelings out. I always enjoy walking, which I often do. You still need to do your things but don’t beat yourself up, you’re doing your very best.
With time, who knows your son may well find his thing, but be prepared to be patient and understanding until he does. You’re doing a fantastic job.

Son has come down with a cold and work is crazy busy so not helping much as running around making drinks / food for him on top of work.

He is asleep now so made a curry for tea for when I finish work tomorrow ,

The local support group is online for many reasons can’t do them at home as it causes more issues than it solves.

i do try not to compare … sometimes it’s harder to manage than others ..

I am hoping that once vitamin D tablets kick in I have more energy to bounce back .

Would he cope with an online course? Part time maybe?

Going through this too. DS is 17. Tried college twice hated it and refused to go.
He's now doing an online college course, but is adamant he'll never need a proper job as he'll become rich being a youtuber.
I worry so much about his understanding of the world, even though academically he's quite bright.
He's just quite detached from reality at the moment.
The worst thing is he has practically no desire to go anywhere or do anything. He sees a couple of old school friends every couple of weeks for a game of footy or trip to the cinema but that's it. So it's not like he's motivated to earn money to pay for a social life etc.
I just keep chipping away and hoping for the best...

@Starlightstarbright3 How are things going for your son now?
Thank goodness for MN, gives me hope.

I have to say life is pretty much the same …

He did get a job a few months ago which he lasted 2 weeks before been sacked . So he does nothing again . I even tried to get him to walk to the chemist to get his meds . He refused

The only thing he is doing is a driving lesson a week . I can’t get him to practice for his theory . I kind of have given up - I might send him a couple of jobs adverts . Try getting him to cook as healthy meals as much as I can ..

I got serotonin syndrome with all the meds I was on to cope with.. so was off sick am loads better now but left with anxiety ..

I now have started talking therapies for stress management to see if this helps .

so I am not sure I have any answers . My gp has prescribed me diazepam for when it all just becomes too much for me.

No services are have done anything . He turns 18 next month so will transfer to adult psychiatric services for med reviews

Driving lesson sounds excellent start though. Being let go from one job at 17 isn't the end of the world
its nearly spring and hopefully any out and about in the sunshine will boost his health.
My son is getting there at 22/23...things are on the up. A slowly assembled group of friends.
An interest, football
And recently a job for 22hours a week he is managing quite well...dealing with the public
But it is little steps and not a question of comparisons with others his age.
still driving me mad sometimes, messy disorganised egotistical... I think growing up takes till at least 25

I just wanted to add to this thread as I have an autistic 17 year old who is also NEET. I am so so worried about him.

He leaves the house once a week to go to therapy where he doesn't realky speak, the rest of the time he is in his bedroom and won't engage in anything like a job or training.

He is mute with anyone except close family so this makes life outside the house so tricky.

He has 1 online friend and that's it. I just wanted to share that I have all rhe feelings you do.

So glad I found this thread.

I was terrified my dd would become a NEET but here we are. I’m just grateful she managed to sit her GCSEs and got decent results (disappointing to her though). She’s now 18 and been out of education for 18 months.

Im trying to be patient and convince myself that things can and do improve eventually.

I keep paying for therapy myself lessons for the reasons it’s one hour a week he leaves the house .. Although despite me saying I would pay for an app cannot get him to revise for his theory .

I feel like a failure as a parent as I can barely get him to brush his teeth .

He left the house today for a few hours with a friend so I pulled the rubbish , washing and hoovered and cleaned his room Opened the windows .

That was a win for me … it’s such a low bar isn’t it .

losing a job at 17 isn’t the issue it’s the first job he had in 8 months . He doesn’t understand how to keep a job . I litterally don’t see this pattern changing .

My son is exactly the same, 17, audhd barely attends college, I could have written your post..
You are not alone, it’s tough, there are probably many many parents at home going through the same struggles. I am just hoping as the frontal cortex of the brain is still developing until they are mid twenties, they’ll get sort of there eventually! Hang in there, you are doing your best! It’s hard x🌸💐