STBEX and complicated finances

[PocketSand]

I nearly posted this on AIBU but expected much misunderstanding. But am still concerned that he is being unreasonable in some respects whilst reasonable (albeit unwilling) in other respects which leaves me conflicted and confused.

We separated around 3 years ago when things became intolerable. He had always been abusive but I had not found the strength to leave earlier believing I needed him in order to take care of my sons and I am ashamed to say that it was only when the eldest refused to speak to him/acknowledge his presence that I forced him to leave. To be fair to me, my wishes didn't count but he recognised my son's wishes. Our son - he is the father of both. Then I did the Freedom Programme.

DS1's special school placement had failed years before and DS2 had a bespoke home package so I've been more than f/t carer for over a decade but qualified for CA before that. I was doing a PhD but my potential academic career came to a halt due to caring responsibilities. I haven't worked since.

When he left we lived in rented accommodation. We did used to own a house in a nice village but we had to sell - he was financially incontinent - wouldn't let me work (because I was needed 24/7 for caring duties) and ran up huge debts. He seemed to prefer being in debt because this had no immediate effect on him (high credit rating) but meant I couldn't afford to do anything and was trapped.

To begin with DLA was paid to him and he treated it as his income. There was no money left for actual disability costs. Then my mum died and I bit the bullet. Because of what she said on her deathbed. I informed DWP to pay into my account. He was furious and said he would get the money back. He never did and since then money has been used appropriately.

However since we have separated he still refers constantly to my son's ESA and PIP as my income as I am DWP appointee and it is paid into my named account. I take my responsibilities seriously and am clear this is not my money.

STBX always wants to be seen as the good guy but is better at grand gestures than seeing the course. When we had separated and moved out of rented accommodation we bought a house in my eldest son's name. He is unlikely to be able to work as he has chronic and severe social anxiety and is effectively housebound. As he needs a carer 24/7 we bought somewhere large enough for me to live and for my other son to live. I paid £105 deposit and STBEX paid £60. Thousand. The mortgage is 10 years and paid 2/3 by ex. I am not on the deeds and living with relatives rent free. I can't apply for UC etc as payments are made into my account and I am holding funds for home renovation.

I recognise that the mortgage payment is generous and ex has said he will honour it but DS1 refuses all contact with him and DS1 is concerned that there are strings attached.

Plus STBEX keeps referring to payment of DS's mortgage as 'spousal maintenance'. When the divorce is finalised it needs to be clear that payment of DS's mortgage is not spousal maintenance.

STBEX has suggested that I transfer funds I am holding for home renovation to him so that I can claim UC and share UC with him. I see this as fraud. I am not entitled to UC and he is sure as hell not entitled to any UC I would be entitled to and never would be as he is not part of my household.

I get that he is being generous to pay mortgage so that our son has security of tenure but why the rest - the constant pressure that he is entitled to the CA, CB, ESA, PIP of me and his DC that don't live with him and we receive due to disability and caring responsibilities and that I should be willing to commit fraud to 'work with him'?

He does pay minimum CM for DS2 plus pays an additional £400 toward household bills. So generous whilst trying to get me to commit fraud?

Pension sharing may also be an issue - he wants to portray me as needing less as I live in my son's house (whose income and assets are really mjne). Carers need less pension but single adults with no dependents need more.

Any advice?

[Headfirstintothewild]

Wow this sounds complex. You need some specialist legal advice. I think it would be better if you and ex had a clean break.