Night/day sleep issues 18yr old DS

[Verbena17]

Hi,
So DS is now 18 and is autistic and has ARFID, the eating disorder.
He has never slept well - once asleep he’s fine but he it’s combo of not feeling ready for sleep and now he’s 18, he is refusing to go to bed at midnight/00:30, as was our previous, pre-18 bed time deal.

So since turning 18 and knowing he’s an adult, he feels he now wants to stay up until 4am/5am, chatting to friends (his only actual friends as he has none IRL) in his Discord server and watching YouTube or gaming.

Obviously when he doesn’t go to bed until the very early hours, he doesn’t want to get up until about 2pm+ the following afternoon.

Now I’ve been pretty flexible about it and think he’ll work it out in his own time but I do set alarms for myself to get up during the night to try and coax him to go to bed. DH however, gets very frustrated and shouty and loses the plot a bit. DH thrives on routine in his life and assumes everyone else should be just like him. I said to him last night that because DS also has diagnosed GAD, it’s understandable that we need to be flexible and that how DS reacts and behaves is totally dependent on his anxiety levels. I wake up each day and start again- treating every day as a new day, with hope.

DH seems to let it all build up then shouts and gets cross with us - saying everything is my fault and I let him get out of a routine.
But DS is 18 and he knows it. He keeps saying “I’m 18, I can do what I want” but at the same time he’s quite vulnerable and isn’t able to plan his days, remember to shower, choose his clothes, get food and drink for himself etc.

I think DH sees the whole thing and it stresses him out and he can’t ‘solve’ anything, whereas I try to deal gently with when an issue arises and I calmly try to sort it out flexibly with DS.

Anyone else deal with this kind of thing and how did you help your DC get a balance?

Well he is an adult but he is living with you and you need to reiterate calmly that whilst he's having your support he needs to follow family rules which include going to bed by midnight.

I take it that he's not in school/college or working? Does he have any plan?

Is he receiving PIP? And has he ever been assessed for ADHD? Does he take Melatonin?

Thanks for your reply @PritiPatelsMaker .
My DH mentioned about living in his house and abiding by his rules last week and DS then told me later he was considering staying in a hotel for a few weeks (he actually couldn’t do that because of his difficulties) or that he might run away. I told DH he can’t say stuff like that.

DS is autistic but doesn’t seem to show traits of ADHD. He currently refuses to take melatonin - mainly because it requires him to be assessed for it be prescribed and he doesn’t want to be assessed.

This past week he’s been going to bed mostly at 5:45am and then sleeping until 3pm 😩. He games and chats with friends in Qatar who seem to also stay up all night! He’s basically turned himself nocturnal but he’s not too bothered about turning back.

Ok so I'm out of ideas. What does he do in the day? I take it that he doesn't have any kind of education or placement.

He’s sleeping in the day but if he wasn’t, he’d be playing piano or gaming or watching YouTube.

He’s recently left his special school but is just finishing off a course online.
He currently isn’t able to work as he won’t go out in public and finds it hard to speak to people….he is unable to talk on the phone and currently won’t visit family due to his social anxiety.

We are hoping he’ll be able to find a job he likes online perhaps to begin with but as his older sister had a year out, once he finishes his course, he will be having a year out but I will be continuing to support him with ‘preparation for adulthood’ type activities. So public transport, home routines, shops, buying stuff online like clothes and we are really hoping he will learn to drive.

Me and Dh tried to gently convince him that he needs to bring back an earlier bedtime and day routine - he agreed and said he thought that last night.
Im crossing my fingers he tries to sleep earlier tonight.

My DD (ASD) has had long periods of a messed up body clock with online gaming friends in the US on Discord etc.

To be honest this only sorted itself out when she engaged with something meaningful to do in the UK daytime. It was a brief struggle turning it around but much better now. They have to want to change it I think so keep discussing and maybe focus on finding him something to do in the daytime outside the house. I sympathise as it's very worrying and disturbing to the household.

I missed that he doesn't like going out, sorry.

Thanks @SummerWillow - it’s not I proved this week.
in fact because he had to get up this morning to go out at 8:30 with DH, it meant he only had 1,5hrs sleep, as he didn’t go to sleep until 6:30, even though he was in bed at 4:30.

I said he’d be shattered tonight and need to go to bed earlier and he said hmm no.