14 year old DS with ADHD staying out late/generally out of control

[winterrabbit]

I've posted separately about DS14, who was diagnosed with ADHD last year, as he has been at risk of permanent exclusion for the last few months basically for refusing to follow instructions, truanting etc. DS did manage to make some improvements after the school put him on a behaviour plan and it looks like he will now be saying at the school. Despite this, at home his behaviour has been getting worse and worse. He is finally getting to school on time most days (before he was repeatedly late), however, he is now going out with friends pretty much every day after school and not coming home until around 10pm most evenings. He is not home as we speak. He is not in touch when he is out as he claims that his phone doesn't always work (it's an old iphone that he dropped and smashed so I think there is some truth to this. I also don't know who he is with or where is he although he claims he is with friends from school and primary. I usually end up calling his friends or parents of his friends and his story generally checks out. DS has admitted to trying weed in the past and I know he has vaped but I have no evidence he is taking other drugs. I just don't know what he is going during this time and I am obviously worried sick. He has started missing all his clubs, tutors that I've arranged and paid for, which obviously infuriates me, and does no homework, reading etc. At the weekend he sleeps until midday and then goes out with his friends until 10.30/11. He is very into expensive clothes, tracksuits, and always asking for new clothes. I have tried to talk to him about staying out multiple times, tried disciplining him although there is very little I can do other than not give him pocket money or take away his phone which barely works anyway. If I ground him he simply goes out anyway. I am divorced from his dad who is absolutely zero help and blames me for everything. He is even threatening to try to get a court order requiring that DS has to be home by a certain time, which I am not even sure exists and, if it does, would love to see how the courts would enforce it.

Can anyone offer advice on what to do? I am even thinking of calling social services for support but not sure what they can do and if that might make matters worse.

TIA.

Tell him clearly (and calmly!) that he has to be home by 7. He's only 14. He's a child and is vulnerable with ADHD. Give him warning that if he's not back on time you will ring him and then you will ring the police. Our DS started storming out of the house and disappearing when he was that age. The police brought him home a couple of times and he did not do it again. Explain that this is because you don't know where he is or who he is with and that is unacceptable and unsafe
Put Life 360 on his phone, so you can see where he is. If he continues to be difficult I would warn him you won't pay his phone contract any more.
Don't buy him any expensive clothes. Explain you cannot afford it. There is no spare money for expensive clothes but you will always make sure he has a warm coat and shoes etc. Again, explain to him that he is only 14 and has no right to ask for expensive clothes. I would definitely Google your local MAST team. They will work with him and the school to stop this behaviour.

Thank you so much spring, very helpful. What is MAST?

MAST is multi agency support team. They will assign someone to work with your child at home or school or both. It was a godsend for our son

How are things today OP?

Is he on medication? That might help him control his feelings and be less risk seeking. I would have a chat with him about using weed in case you have not done that. Weed is very harmful for developing brains in general, but particularly for kids with ADHD. He might be self-medicating with the weed.

Have you read Russell Barkeley's books/ watched his youtube videos? They are very good.

Thank you both, very helpful.

Things are still pretty awful. He is out as we speak after refusing to go with his dad for an overnight visit. Shut the door in his dad's face, I tried to force him to you outside but they had gone, so DS disappeared out with his friends. He stayed at a friend's house last night, didn't even come home until 5pm. I keep calling him and he says he'll come home but never turns up. I honestly feel like I should put him in foster care as I cannot carry on like this. He's doing zero school work, out with god knows who, won't listen to anyone, doesn't even wash. He's completely disrespectful, tells me to fuck off multiple times if I ask him to do anything, no punishments work as he just walks off. I am really starting to hate him.

He is on medication although not at the weekends.

When is it ok to call the police? I don't think he is missing, just not back when he should be.

Reading your post sounds basically like my son at 14. Things were really bad for a year. I called social services for help myself and to be honest they were no help at all.
He is 18 now and is nothing like he was. Unfortunately I think it massively depends on who they are hanging out with 😩.
We called the police all the time but to be honest again they were no help. They never found him and if they did he would just storm off saying he knows his rights etc. It really was a horrific time. We just had to keep telling him what was acceptable and what wasn't. But ultimately we loved him and he got through it. Your son will get through the other side I just think the ADHD makes the teenage emotions/hormones a whole lot harder to handle. My brother who is ADHD (33) always said there is nothing you can do he just has to work it through himself. In my experience telling a teenager with ADHD not to do something makes no difference whatsoever. I have 2 other children and they were a breeze!

Thanks so much BabyMumma really helpful. Can I ask. did you ever try ADHD medication for your son and, if so, did it help?

Re meds... if my ds ever misses a dose it takes a few days to catch up
..we ran out of meds this week...He did some very erratic impulsive things.. I would look at continually taking meds.

Also if he wants these clothes he earns them.

Pocket money in my house depends on many things but includes.. his job is to be s school child so includes hw and behaviour in school

We had similar issues with our just 16 year old who has ADHD over the long summer he's just had after GCSEs. Except he was out until 11/12! We realised we couldn't physically force him to stay at home and actually most of the time he was doing innocuous stuff like using his cinema pass, going to the gym etc. He just really liked being out late - I think it seemed 'cool' and adult and he liked the vibe around the city centre 😬We agreed that I could track his phone to see where he was and that he would always reply if I rang him/texted him for an update (although once he was trackable I didn't have to do that so much). He also had to tell us what train he was getting and make sure he didn't miss the last one home.

On the whole we've found the only way to parent him is to give him plenty of responsibility/ treat him like an adult where possible, but remind him that that comes with an expectation of communication. And if he gets in any trouble, the rules will change. It's really hard though!

How are things OP? 🌺