2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney ·
10/05/2021 12:47
I posted this originally in chat and someone suggested I would be better posting here. I have slightly edited my original post with my additional comments from that thread . I hope it all makes sense.
ooking it up and based on what she says it seems she identifies as agender sometimes and a woman at other. No desire to transgender.
Main thing was she wanted us to call her by a name she has been calling herself outside the house for several years. Which happens to be very much a girls name although she “feels” it isn’t. We don’t want to call her this name it is alien to us. . This name is not a derivative of her given name which we could call her.
She doesn’t seem to want to change her name by deed poll, although I fully accept she could.
The name she has asked us to call her is very unusual - ranking in the 2-3000 baby lists . I can understand why someone would want to change their name from a more unusual name to a less unusual one ( there is a thread about this currently on AIBU ) but this is the other way round.
A bit of background
In her mid teans she told us she was gay . We said “fine , no problem” I even sought out a gay teenage group for her. She left after a while and then preceded to have several boyfriends , fancy others and stood up a couple of proposed girlfriend first dates ( went off with other mates on one and didn’t turn up for the other - cold feet on the way) I really don’t think judging by her actions she is neither gay or bisexual.as she maintained.
In the past we just haven’t really commented , continued to say we don’t mind what she is and we really don’t. We have many gay and straight friends , it really isn’t an issue for us.
We have had real concerns and worries about her also photoshopping her appearance on Facebook to the extent that she is nearly unrecognisable. This worries me because she is doing it for “likes” but knows that it is not her . She is seeking validation for something that isn’t her. I don’t think this is good for her mental health.
She is ASD and I mention this because she does seem emotionally immature despite being an adult in her mid twenties. Also I have read probably here on mumsnet people with asd are more likely to question their gender.
Her whole life outside the home is a show : projecting a different persona with extensive make up art, with extensive photoshopping , a different name, the different sexual orientation or gender. . She was always excellent at drama and I think that was being able to adopt a character helped.
Then when she comes home , the makeup is removed ( her choice) comfortable trousers go on and she responds to her real name. She says she feels safe and secure at home
This all seems to boil down to wanting us to call her by another girls name.
And that brings things to a head. I really don’t want to push her away but find the idea of calling her a new name impossible right now and as for my husband it was a flat no from him.
We both equate the labels, the photoshopping and name change stemming from the same issue.
I don't think I could call her by another name as that would feel like enabling the problem, rather than helping to address it
I have looked up agender and non binary and none of the descriptions seem to apply to her .
Any advice welcome