No relationship with SN 19yo twin boys

[Pleasehelphavetwins]

Hi anyone else have young adults who literally just game all day, no regular sleep pattern, will not engage with anyone, rude, horrific rooms, sorry nothing positive to add. At wits end.

You don’t say what the SN are, so it’s difficult to know what cognitive level, they are at and what works.

However, we have just had DD at home for 7 months. We found positive reinforcement to be the only way forward. Her main motivation in life is food.

She is obsessed with a TV series. I only let her watch one DVD a day, or else she goes into a trance and loses skills. She refused to have a bath or brush her hair, despite wetting the bed at night or herself in the daytime - this because Maxi incontinence pants could not cope. I would say she could watch her DVD, after a bath and brushing her hair after breakfast.

We tried to get her to go for a walk in the afternoons - pulling hen’s teeth is easier. If she went, I promised to cook her one of her favourite dinners.

We ignored verbal abuse, but told her firmly to stop hitting us. After dinner, we have a small dessert like 2 biscuits - if she was being really difficult like refusing to get out of the car, we’d say “No biscuits tonight!”

She tended to get up between 3.30 - 4.30 am, and put the television on, which disturbed our sleep. It’s pointless telling her not to, as she forgets what we say due to extremely poor memory. Anyway, she will only do what she feels like! Then she fell asleep in the daytime. We tried to take her out every day for a walk - then she slept until about 7 am. We did not let her sleep for more than an hour and a half in the daytime. The GP from her care home told me to buy melatonin and give her 2 mg a night - but we didn’t need that, once we found taking her out every day worked.

However, after 7 months, we were exhausted and sent her back to the care home, even though we know she can’t come home at Xmas, we can only see her on timed visits in PPE; and it’s in a Tier 3 area - she could get Covid and be refused hospital treatment. However, the stress of looking after her is too much for us long term.

Can you get supported living or residential care for them? It is in their best interests if you live as long as possible. The stress of caring for them 24/7 could shorten your life?

Where do you start with the supported living route please?

Have they had an assessment for social care and support, either as children or adults?

If not, put in a request to Adult Services (although they might come under the Transition Team) for an assessment for social care for both of them under The Care Act 2014, and a carer’s assessment for you and OH if applicable. You need Social Services to take a whole family view, given that their care needs probably impact on each other and definitely on you, seeing as you are caring for both.

If they already have had an assessment and have a care plan, then you need to tell Social Services you refuse to care for them any longer. In England, no adult is obliged in law to care for another adult. Both DC are the responsibility of the state. It may sound hard hearted but it’s the only way. Social Services are past masters in assuming families will do the caring, because it’s cheaper! Tell them DC need to go into supported living - who will look after them, when you are gone? The state will have to step in, and it’s better for you to have a say in where they go and be here to ease their transition into supported living with phone calls and visits, than them have to go through it in a place, you might not have chosen (because it’s the only place available on the day of your death) while missing you after your death.

We have much younger children but we have a WiFi wall plug for the TV which goes off at certain hours. This might work well for an older person with LD too.

Agree with what others have said, maybe time to look at alternative living arrangements. My DD’s are similar and we will be looking at supported living for the youngest when she turns 18, I think it will benefit her as much as me.