Just feel so frustrated

[good2no]

Hi,

I am just wondering how to handle this situation. I have two sons with additional needs. My eldest (20) lives in residential care. He had some behavioural challenges when he was younger, but he is a gentle and very vulnerable young man.

My youngest is 18 and has some serious anxiety issues (which he will not seek help for) and lives alone with me. He has no employment, is not in education and likes a very 'safe' environment.

We had my eldest son over for Christmas lunch and for Boxing Day lunch. Both events went well. The brothers chatted together, but my youngest would not eat with us (he likes to eat alone in his room).

I invited my eldest over for New Year's Day lunch and told my youngest. His reply was that he did not like his brother coming to the house; that his brother 'stressed him out'; that he did not want this to become a regular thing and that he 'liked it just being him and me'. I explained that I enjoyed seeing his brother and that it was only for a couple of hours. My youngest said he will 'send [his brother] away if he comes any more'. I ignored his last comment and changed the subject.

I know my youngest son's response stems from his anxiety. However, I am beginning to feel concerned about the amount of control my youngest is trying to exert over me and over my relationship with my eldest son.

I try to help my son with his anxiety related issues by keeping a low arousal and stress free environment at home (it is just him and me and I work from home). However, I feel he is crossing a line when he (perhaps inadvertently) tries to dictate who I see in my own home.

To be honest, I am a bit frightened about the future. I am an older parent and he is a very strong young man (working out and fitness are his special interests). He will not claim benefits and is totally dependent on me (and his estranged father) for financial and practical support. He left formal school (due to MH difficulties) when he was 14, and achieved no meaningful qualifications, so he has been in this restricted world for four years. I just feel a bit trapped.

This state of affairs cannot realistically continue indefinitely, as there will eventually come a time when you are unable to look after DS2. Maybe you need to have a chat with Social Services about what can be done to support him.

I think you should stop funding him and apply for benefits on his behalf as an appointee.

www.gov.uk/become-appointee-for-someone-claiming-benefits

If he qualifies for PIP and ESA, there is a chance you could also qualify for Carer's Allowance.

How did your eldest son get into residential care?

Thank you for the reply, Ellie56. My eldest went into residential care, shortly after his 18th Birthday. He has autism and psychosis and he had numerous admissions to CAMHS units.

The family situation was complex and I separated from the boys' father four years ago after allegations of emotional and physical abuse towards both boys. My youngest son's school refusal started shortly before that.

My youngest refuses any kind of assessment, and he has mental capacity (despite his MH issues), so it is unlikely that he would agree to any interventions. I am sure that if his needs were known, he would qualify for PIP/ESA, but he will not go to the GP.

I do not really know how to stop funding him. He receives no money in his own right, but I pay for his food and expenses for his car and gym, so at least he goes somewhere. I help him apply for jobs and apprenticeships, but he often does not attend interviews and on the rare occasions when he has been offered work, he has left within a day, usually after days of increasing anxiety over the prospect of change.

I am sorry for being so negative.

So what would happen if you said you were not paying for his car and gym any longer and that you will help him apply for benefits?