Teen with ASD and gender identity query

[GenderASDQuery]

I've NCd for this.

DD is 14 and ASD HF. Was bullied in primary school so we changed school which was better and she made a couple of really good friends. At her all girls secondary school she has friendship issues again, her main issue with ASD is the social communication with her peer group, and some pick on her and ostracise her because she is quirky, stubborn, argumentative and very black and white in her thinking.

She made friends at secondary in the first couple of years with some girls who were transgender, and has now said she is trans too; gender non-binary (gnb). Has changed her first name with her peers and which school accepted (but DH and grandparents won't and I feel a bit weird about it all tbh!). Says she wanted to change her name as she doesn't want to be her first name anymore as she associates it with the bullying and negative feelings.

I'm trying to understand what it is about gender she feels she needs to define. I'm confused as though she says she's gnb she still wears very feminine clothing, make up etc. We've had big discussions about feminism, that sex is biological but gender norms is a social construct, why she feels a need to label her gender at all. It's like an intense focus for her, which I know is a part of her ASD.

She's gay and going through puberty and with her ASD on top I feel this is all about change and identity as a whole, which even the psych at her ASD evaluation agreed with. She is getting some support via group counselling at school, had previous support through Young Minds.

IS anyone on here in the same boat? Any advice? Is it worth getting her a counsellor who specialises in ASD to help her talk all this through?

Find out if camhs in your area has an asd teen specialist (not sure of official title) here she was a nurse practitioner and only saw 12-17 year olds with asd. She was brilliant with dd, really helped her through the difficulties of navigating hormones, periods, friendships etc. They also ran groups here (dd refused to go) which others highly rated. Not wanting to use a name she associates with bullying is very understandable, but I think she is exploring her sexuality and gender identity rather than making rash decisions. Family may find it hard but try to find a way to help her

If you look at LGBT children topic in Being a Parent there are some informative threads there.

Hi, my tween started identifying as non binary when she was 7.5, though her words were that she didn't want to be a girl and wanted to wear boys clothes but that she didn't want to be called a boy either.

She's in year seven. She's also gotten a girlfriend this week too.

We've had the chats about lgbtqia since she was 7. She knows the score and knows I'm cool with whatever she identifies as.

So this week I've talked with her about how she doesn't need to label her sexuality because as she grows up she might notice her affections change, and that she feels certain other ways. She says she's bisexual and I've told her I'm pansexual and what that means.

I think giving labels a try can help. Some stick, some change.

I ditched my birth name for most of my adult life because I associated it with my dad shouting at me. I'm nearing forty and have only been using my real name a few years, it's still weird but I've managed to come to an understanding with myself.

I'm ASD and ADHD, labels and things were quite a focus for me because I never felt I fitted in anywhere.