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Ds1(14) rude to football team coach. Refuses help from us.

5 replies

Oblomov18 · 15/03/2018 10:26

Football coach calls me. Eventually he suggests ds takes a break for a couple of weeks.

Its no surprise to Dh and I. Ds is so incredibly rude to us. Has been for months. Makes minimal effort at school.

I have tried my best with ds, for years, trying to make him understand that the way he comes across is rude etc, arrogant.
But he takes zero responsibility for any of his behaviour and thinks that every one who has ever commented is a knob or a dick.

he has friends. lots. invited to parties. Football is a big part of this. he wants to still be part of the team. He's not that gifted, one of the players who is maybe lower ability, but he goes to training every week. Loves it. And its a big part of his life. He does have friends, and a lot of these groups of boys, of which he is part of many groups, football is central to their lives/discussions/everything. They meet up and kick a ball around, often.

So I know he wants this. But if I try and talk to him about things like this, he just doesn't want to know. Always the same.

Dh and I sat him down last night and calmly told him that he was going to have to take a break. We had tears. And then just hatred towards us about how shit we and the coach are.

I have looked at how ASD children , especially teens take no responsibility for their behaviour, zero-responsibility, before.

but I just don't know how to help him. He doesn't want any help. He hates everyone. I feel its my parental duty to atleast try and help him, but I don't know what to do with him.

Please could all you knowledgeable Sn'ers give me some advice/perspective.

OP posts:
Oblomov18 · 15/03/2018 10:45

And. Last night, I tried to take all the emotion out of it and give ds1 actual examples.

The coach is lovely, but even the coach himself admits that he isn't that tolerant of rudeness. He said that he is much less tolerant than the assistant coach.

the assistant coach is the most placid, loveliest bloke. Both dads of boys in the team.

Assistant coach was apparently asking ds to dribble through the cones, in training. and because ds is naturally left footed (which is a bit unusual and thus a minor asset) , when ds1 kept using his right foot, the assistant coach kept saying 'use your left'.

assistant coach then pulled him to one side, to talk to him about a mistake he'd made in the previous match, (which he does with all the boys, runs through their good bits and bad bits from the last match) which had caused a goal, but ds didn't want to talk about it, and then when he said "why aren't you using your left foot", ds stormed off and carried on using his right foot.

Apparently ds is rude, arrogant, negative, not wanting to talk about how to improve, not open to any constructive criticism, or help, causing a negative atmosphere in front of the other boys.

All of this Dh and I totally believe. Because we see similar.

I think the others boys have improved. But ds has stagnated. Plus because he is one of the less talented players, he's now realising the difference between him and the talented players, has got much wider, significantly, recently.

And its hard when you love something that you aren't that gifted in.

But ds could still make the effort. To be polite? to go to training with the right attitude?

But he cant seem to do that right now.

But I'm not sure what you are supposed to do in the situation?

OP posts:
Oblomov18 · 15/03/2018 18:54

Bump

OP posts:
Muffinsandtea · 14/06/2018 12:42

Sorry you have such difficulties and can't offer any constructive advise except to say that our teenage ASD boy is a real challenge too and exhibits such rude behaviour that we are shocked and desperate to make him realise the impact of his words and actions - but he doesn't and it has been going on for some time with no end in sight x

vickibee · 19/06/2018 14:54

Our ASD son is nearly 12 and we have the same rudeness at home. He talks to us like we are scum and then carries on as if nothing has happened. We don't know how to tackle it either as he can't see he is doing anything wrong. He even sticks fingers up at us if we say no to him and does it anyway, he will not take no for and answer.
I guess it is good to know that it is not just you x

fairlybalancedmum · 19/06/2018 20:33

It's a very frustrating situation for you. It is so hard to get through to them sometimes. Maybe he feels they are putting a lot of pressure on him and he is struggling because he feels like he isn't making progress. Is there a way to play football without the pressure to improve. Just to enjoy the game. Don't know just a suggestion.

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