How can I learn to be patient?

[pamhill64]

I've moved this to this Section as maybe a "better fit" than in general parenting. I'm feeling a bit stronger today but will welcome any advice from parents of SN kids.
Sorry if my thoughts are a bit jumbled but having 5 minutes to myself to calm down! How can I learn to be patient and understanding? I've never been terribly patient, learnt from my dad who got worse as he got older and me too it seems (not an excuse more an explanation), not that I excuse myself from wanting to act differently. We have a lot on our plates atm so am fairly stressed out but have a DD2, now 13, whose in the long process of being (probably) diagnosed on the autistic spectrum (with possible adhd), very late in the day. Being with her all day every day at the moment is frankly doing my head in! I barely have enough patience term time!! She goes on and on about the same things all the time, she's not at all independent and doesn't have friends as she simply doesn't get social rules. I can't even find a summer childcare scheme to take her 1 day a week, let alone for a few hours! I'd hoped a few more years and she'd be off being independent and grown up but all I can see is the years of sameness stretching in front of us with her, and I'm angry, sad and frustrated that this cycle won't ever end!
When I have my calm brain working I can see how hard life seems to her but mostly I have little patience and end up shouting/running off for some space/or being increasingly bad tempered with everyone. Not an ok mum let alone good.
Frankly I shouldn't have had kids, and I've never been one of those special people (Saints) that care wonderfully for their disabled children!!! I'd like to be but I'm flawed; tired, grumpy and with little or (mostly) no patience. So how do people learn patience, sereneness and being a better mum in general? I'm expecting to be slatted here but really need some tips!

You sound pretty normal to me. I've never been into this "you must be a special person because you've been given such a special child to look after". I don't believe there is a divine plan where difficult situations are only given to people who can cope. Mostly people muddle along and sometimes cope reasonably but at other times feel they aren't doing very well at all. I've always aimed for "mostly good enough" with a lot of tolerance/self-forgiveness for things not being ideal.

However, no-one copes well when there is no support. It sounds like that's what you're lacking. Are there any groups locally for parents of autistic children? Any youth groups for autistic teenagers? And venting on here can be helpful too.

Thanks Runningtokeepstill. For soooo long it's been just us saying somethings not right and only when she reached High School did others start to agree. So it's only the last 2 years and she's still not diagnosed officially AS so I feel a bit of a fraud going to a group without an official label but will look into it as I do feel out on a lonely limb. Maybe it's my own feelings of inadequacy about having no idea how to parent this child as so different to the others, that makes me see other parents managing wonderfully. A school mum has a daughter with Downs and she's wonderful with her so guess that's the only example I have in real life but guess she struggles at times too. Maybe I should ask and find out. Thanks for the response.

I'm pretty sure you don't need an official diagnosis for parent support groups and I'd think they'd be welcoming as parents understand what it's like being unsupported. As far as I can remember, others have posted about this on either special needs children or special needs chat boards. If there's a local authority run youth group you might need dx, although I think there's some flexibility as someone once suggested one for my ds, who was suspected ASD at the time.

This board isn't very busy and you'd get more responses on the special needs chat or children boards. There are certainly regular posters who have advice on coping and posters whose children have both ASD and ADHD. We have traits of both conditions in my family but not enough for dx.

You sound normal. It is damned hard! Forgive yourself and don't try to be perfect. Bringing up a child with behavioural issues would test the patience of a saint. Try contacting the national autistic society for advice or to see if there is a parents' group. You don't need a diagnosis. There are lots of people like you. I finally got a diagnosis for my child recently. It only took 10 years!!!!

You sound "normal" to me!

I lost it tonight because my son keeps flooding the bathroom. He has OCD and Aspergers. It's terrible. He actually says to me "how the f**k do you think it is for ME?" when I say "this is out of control/this can't continue/ etc. Most of the time I have the patience but we're having new carpets laid on Tuesday because they've rotted outside the bathroom.

And breeeethe