16y Son refusing to see me, surprising ASD diagnosis. Desperate

[Bumblebee1980]

My son, who has been happy, chatty, communicative and generally wonderful for the last 15 years has started collecting bottles of his own urine, removing himself from family life, being physically violent towards me, deliberately wetting his bed and sleeping in it until I confront him and is now refusing to live with me and has run to his dad's house.

II persuaded him to meet me and go to the doctors because I thought he could do with some extra support. I went in with him but then left. He's 16 and doesn't need me there interfering. He came out and said the Dr had arranged some counselling and we'd hear from them. 48 hours later his dad phones to say a camhs worker has been there and has diagnosed son with autism.

1: I know a camhs worker can't and won't diagnose ASD in one meeting, especially having been through the process with 11yo son.
2: Typical camhs non-crisis appointments usually take around 6months, so my son must have said something to the Dr to trigger this fast response. I'm guessing self-harf or suicidal thoughts.
3: If it was an abuse claim, it would be social services, not camhs who went to see him.
4: I know what I'm talking about, I am a secondary teacher and I deal with SS and camhs on a weekly basis.
5: when I phoned camhs worker to discuss meeting, neither my son or my ex had mentioned his obsessive urine collecting, his violence towards me or any of his other worrying behaviours. Instead, it had been implied that the issue was with me and that I was too emotional.

Now, the decision has been left with my son.

I was also told that I had no rights to my son. That he didn't ever have to see me again.

How is that OK? Seriously?!

I am the one who has identified that he needs help. I am the one who has managed the issues and supported my son. I am the one who is open enough to discuss the issues and yet, because my child doesn't like being confronted about his behaviours he can leave, forever, and refuse to face up to any of his difficulties.

Surely, surely, there must be something I can do. Why does the law remove the rights of the mother? Why does the law reinforce estrangement when that estrangement has occurred because the child is mentally unwell? Why would the child be left somewhere where those difficulties are entirely dismissed?

Can anyone advise me?

Apologies for typos, I'm pretty exhausted
*self harm

Sorry you're going through all this. I know from the experiences of friends of mine and of the dc that young people aged 16 and 17 can decide to go NC with parent(s), and that CAMHS and SS say that it is the young person's right to do this.

It's extremely distressing for you but I think attempts to press your son to engage with you may push him further away. I gather your relationship with ex isn't too good if he sees you as being "the problem". I'm sure you'll be letting your son know you are there for him whenever he needs you, provided you can do this in a way that keeps you physically safe. In the meantime is it all possible to open up some calm dialogue with ds's father and look at ways to get ds more support? If not, could someone more neutral act as an intermediary? I hope that there is also someone around to give support for you.

You're probably right that there was a question of suicide or self-harm for CAMHS to come out so quickly. But it sounds like they don't think your ds is in need of crisis intervention. And I don't suppose you can get any further information from them without your son's permission. That's certainly what's happened regarding my son who has just turned 16. Currently, he's happy to give permission as he needs my support but if he decided to deal with everything on his own, as far as I know, I'd just be cut out of the process.

There's likely to be more people who've had similar experiences coming along who can say how things have gone for them. But this board is a bit quiet so if no-one else gets in touch try special needs children or special needs chat, or even child mental health as these boards are busier.

Thank you. It just seems so unjust.