My life is falling apart

[Bonkerz]

I was going to name change because I'm so ashamed but decided I can't hide.

Last Sunday my 13 year old son who is autistic had a major meltdown. He was physically aggressive towards me and in the heat of the moment I slapped him round the face. I'm totally ashamed of myself but at the time I lost control and could see no other way to get my son to move from the room. I had repeatedly asked him to leave the room (my 2 year old was in the room) and he was squaring up to me and being verbally abusive. The slap stunned him enough that he went to his room where he stayed for the rest of the day.
Monday morning I rang our newly designated social worker who had spent the last 11 weeks looking for respite for us and informed him of the incident. Things have now gone from bad to almost destroying my whole family.

Ds was interviewed and said it was a bad situation where bad things happened but is not physically hurt and he told ss he wants to forget it all happened. Ss are waiting for the safeguarding officer to make a decision. What's made this worse is that I currently work with children and it looks like regardless of the decision ss will make that I will inevitably lose my job.

I'm really struggling to even look at my son right now. I regret what happened and have never touched my son (or any child) like this ever but I'm likely to lose the only career I have ever had. I am absolutely gutted and don't know what to do.

I'm so sorry this is happening. You should have had respite and support. Please think about what is good about your parenting- lots and lots I bet- and how u can do more of the good stuff. But also please - u may be are already doing this - put yourself in both your boys' places: how scary it is to c mum loose control, how scary to be hurt or see violence. Maybe u need to talk to them both, apologise, reassure them it won't happen again. And meanwhile get on to Sw to make damn sure it doesn't happen again by getting the support your family needs

I've been on at the social worker since July about respite. Weekends are awful here. I stopped going out because I cannot physically keep the children safe with ds in tow so we are housebound. Dh works most weekends and so I'm alone.
DSs school have been great and issues a letter stating that ds needs 3/1 ratio when ds is in crisis and that they feel this incident did not reflect on me as a parent.
My dh has spoken to the children (I have 4 but at time 2of them had gone into garden when ds started his meltdown as they know to get away!) like I said I hate myself and ds has taken responsibility for the part he played too (albeit in crisis) and understands how it got so out of hand and that I reacted wrongly in a bad situation.

I'm just terrified that this will now be seen as child abuse and I will lose my job.

Ho Hi Bonkerz I hope you are OK and you are getting more support. I have been struggling with my ds and a while ago something similar happened and I felt terrible. How are things?