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Original poster

well. he has gone :0(

63 replies

ThatVikRinA22 · 29/06/2012 20:19

DS. hes gone.
he came back today and snook in and took his stuff while i was at work. i dont know where he is staying or who with, or anything.

3 times last week he told me to "fuck off" when something wasnt quite going his way.
he did it again last night and i asked him to leave if he had no respect for me.
so he packed his laptop and buggered off.

i expected him to be back today, tail between legs....
no.
its my fault because i get stressed with work apparently - notning to do with living with a 20 year old who swears at me, lives in squalor, stays in bed until 3pm, wont do anything around the house or even put his washing in the basket....and who has stolen money from my bank.
nothing to do with that.
its my fault clearly, because i get stressed, and because i get stressed it clearly has to be my job - he says i "wasnt like this" before i joined the police Hmm

this is a losing battle isnt it. He will never ever see his responsibility in anything and its always my fault - never his - and he is pathologically unable to see anything from anyone elses view point.....(yes - he has aspergers)

so. its come to this. 20 years of doing everthing for nothing - He was a lovely little boy....and i was quick off the draw, saw his differences and went with instinct, got his dx at 7, took him to all his appointments, speech therapy, physio, OT, the many many assessments, called meeting after meeting and fought for support in school, college, (and uni - speaking of which i dont think he will go now - and i think he will blame that on me...not so much fighting for support there though ironically - it wont get used)

can a man with the mind of a child survive in the big wide world alone? seems he has cut me out.
so thats the thanks i get for 20 years hard hard bloody graft. today, on duty, i found a woman who had taken an overdose because she could no longer cope with her autistic child.....i understand that. sadly. i wish she had waited for me before she took the tablets, because i live that life too. Its not always bad. it wasnt always bad. but i dont think he is going to contact me again, (until he wants something?? )

ive no idea what i did wrong. truly i cant say that i think i did anything wrong. i waited until he was 19 to go and get a full time job - surely im allowed that now? and that seems to be all he is moaning about....

but he cant see that anything he does would stress me - it has to be my job doesnt it? Sad he cant see past the end of his nose.

OP posts:
trumpton · 30/06/2012 17:57

I hope your day has been a bit better and that you are ok .

Ineedalife · 30/06/2012 21:58

Hi vicar, I just popped over here to have a lurk and saw your thread,

we spoke briefly on your other thread a couple of weeks back.

i am sorry but I have no advice for you but wanted to say, you are not alone. I have had similar stuff with Dd1.

you are right when you say that it is impossible for him to understand how all this makes you feel but that doesnt make it any easier for you.

You have to try to be kind to yourself, sadly you have reached the point I reached where you actually cannot parent them any longer, you can still be there for them and pick up the pieces and you will always love him.

Unchartered is right, you have worked your arse off for him and nobody can take that away from you.

It has been a few years since Dd1 left home and I am strong enough now to look back and say I couldnt have done anymore than I did for her, for a long time I asked myself if I could have done more but I couldnt and neither can you.

I dont really do hugs[being a bit spectrummy myself, lol] but I think you deserve a few this weekend so here goes {{{{{hugs}}}}}

trumpton · 30/06/2012 23:43

Wise words from Ineedalife . You will always love him and could have done no more than you have done .

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 01/07/2012 03:47

thank you, he has texted and asked if he can come home until uni, (which is now only 2 months away) but he says he doesnt want to stress me and if i say no its ok. (he doesnt understand that not knowing where he is stresses me....)

i have told him, that i cannot keep doing this. Ive told him we need to sit down as a family if he is to come home and we need some ground rules, and he is to stick to them, and if he cannot, then i cannot keep him under my roof. the first rule is no abusive language toward me when he doesnt like something.

so. i just keep thinking if i can get him to uni, then i will get my break, he will get his break from me, and maybe, we will get along better. I am frightened that left to his own devices he wont go, but i do feel so mentally frazzled - however im damned if i do and damned if i dont - if he is here i find it such incredibly hard work with him, if he is not here i constantly worry about him.

im not sure when we will talk, i am back at work for 3pm tomorrow. This is getting to be a bit of a habit though, him being abusive, me saying i wont stand for it, him flouncing, then no contact for a bit, then him saying sorry....something has to change, though he is away in 2 months now if he goes to uni. i want him to go because i genuinely think him staying in education is the right thing for him, but i am also desperate for the break from living with him.

OP posts:
trumpton · 01/07/2012 04:37

Morning to you ! I am awake in the wee small hours and was thinking of you . As you say damned both ways . Did you say you had a meeting set up next week ? I am on phone so can't check .
I can see that you recognise the pattern of row/ flounce / runner but does he ? Can you as a family cope with blackmail that this behaviour involves ? Our son certainly has us by the short and curlies as the unspoken threat of suicide has hung over us for 16 years.

It's lovely that he wants to come home and that you want him back safe and sound within the family . Hopefully he will have learned from a few days away and will manage his impulses better .
It's good that he was able to swallow his pride and ask to come home . Will check back later to see how you are but in the meantime you ha e all my best wishes for a peaceful shift anda calm time with your boy .

UnChartered · 01/07/2012 08:18

morning Vicar, hope you managed to sleep some

if DS isn't back at home yet, then can i suggest he isn't accepted back to sleep at least until you've all sat and had this talk to a satisfactory means?

i know that you can say whatever to some people on the autistic spectrum, but it's actions that really sink in.

he needs to see that you are changing your track wrt him and having him in the family home, and that you mean business. the lack of social awareness he has will not let him remember there are consequences - he'll most likely think being back at home is his goal, not that he has to compromise or adjust his behaviour to get that.

be choosy in the words you use too, if he's set his mind on returning, he will only be focussed on that and will be able to argue and justify against your words, even if you don't realise it. steer away from words such as 'allow' and 'wrong' as they can be construed as ambigious, maybe 'acceptable' and 'manageable' instead?

what would you think to actually sitting with him and drawing up a 'contract' - not for you to wave in front of him when his behaviour starts to wane, but as a physical exercise - again using the visual as reinforcement.

you're doing bloody well btw Brew and {{{{{more hugs}}}}}

trumpton · 02/07/2012 07:19

Thinking of you and wondering how things are ? We have a birthday lunch today that he says he will come to . We will see .

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 03/07/2012 04:51

morning.
he came home, we had a bit of a meeting before hand, but it was brief as i was back to work just as he came home....

he is behaving for now, and ive hardly seen him. Upshot is that i would rather know he is safe, and i have only until september before he goes to uni.

so far, he has been polite and amenable. He has got up when asked, brought his pots down from his room without argument, and more or less done what has been asked without rudeness, moaning or swearing. I am not foolish enough to think that it will last but a brief interlude is a welcome relief tbh.

Trumpton i hope your boy did go along. I often fear that when DS goes and finds his wings (read that as discovers without mum there are no rules) i will never see him again and i will not enter his head....

did he go for the lunch?

OP posts:
trumpton · 03/07/2012 07:18

Yes he came to lunch but not as good as last week . TBH he smelt of stale alcohol and was clearly hungover . We saw some of his friends at the weekend and they are worried about his drinking. he ate like a horse and clearly hadn't been feeding himself properly.
So pleased your boy is home and that peace reigns however uneasy .
Nah trust me . They will always need us ( wry smile)

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 03/07/2012 18:43

this is my worry trumpton - that when he does leave home he will not look after himself.

it came as something as a shock to me, the realisation that he will not be fully independent.....dont know why really, but when i realised it hit me quite hard.

im glad he went to the lunch, at least you get to keep a bit of an eye over him, though i realise its frustrating when you know things arent quite right and there is sod all you can realistically do....

OP posts:
ToryLovell · 03/07/2012 18:50

So glad he is home Vicar, and that he is being nice.

To echo what others have said, you have done so much for him, often with little other support.

trumpton · 03/07/2012 22:44

Ah Vic we can only hope things improve.

tallwivglasses · 07/07/2012 23:24

Only just caught up. Hope the peace lasts x

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