12 year old out of control - family issues. Any advice?

[Gerrin1969]

Hi

I?ve never posted before but have been reading other posts and there is clearly a lot of experience out there. I hoping there is someone who can relate to my situation and maybe even offer some advice as I am at my wits end.

I?ve been with my partner for over 10 years. He has a 12 year old son (nearly 13) who lives with his mother. She has mental health problems that have seen her hospitalised on one occasion. For the early years she made it very difficult for my partner to see his son. She has spoilt their son with material things but gave him no boundaries and no discipline. Now things have started to go very wrong she wants my partner involved.

In the last year his son has been expelled from school, is smoking cigarettes and cannabis, has been in numerous fights, has stolen and been stolen from, has been arrested 3 times, has thrown something at his mother and cut her head. His mother throws him out of her home when she feels like it at all times of day and night. He also stays out until all hours and we live in a part of the city that has many crime problems. My partner has walked the streets all night only to find out that his son was at his mother?s house (which she denied earlier).

My partner has tried many, many times to have his son live with him. We know his son is crying out for love and discipline. It works well for a short while but as soon as his mother is lonely she bribes her son to come home with the offer of gifts. At which point he just leaves (or will pretend to go to school and then go to his mother?s home) and the cycle continues. He has a very damaged view of women and does not trust them at all.

We have endless meetings with social services who talk a lot but don?t take much action. They agree that the son?s relationship with his mother is very unhealthy and that she treats him like a ?junior husband? or a companion, rather than a son. Due to her behaviour she has no friends and limited contact with her family. However social services don?t feel the situation is bad enough to legally remove him from her care. How bad does it have to get?! I have even reported the situation to the NSPCC on two occasions. Yes, we could apply for custody but that will not happen overnight.

This situation dominates every waking moment of our lives. We are dealing with two disturbed people (mother & son) and feel there?s no chance of things improving. I have absolutely no idea how we stop this getting even more serious.

Anyone experienced anything similar to this? Thank you

Sorry, I've no direct experience of this but a few thoughts:

Try contacting The Youth Offendeing Team - they can offer support and advice.

Have you considered applying for a residency order?

Have you considered asking his GP to consider referring him to the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Team.

Have you considered contacting the Local Authority Educational Psychologist and asking for an assessment as to his difficulties which are casuing him to be expelled from school.

Another option is to involve your Local Councillor and tell him that you don't believe SS are acting appropraitely and that this child is 'at risk'.

The problem is that SS alone will carry on ignoring the problem as problems cost money to solve.

It's more effective to involve school and as many other agencies as you can as that way SS cannot attempt to remain ignorant of the situation.

Thank you so much for your response. We've tried a few of these ideas but you've suggested a couple of new ones which I will follow up - I'm willing to try anything at this stage!

I really appreciate that you've taken the time to respond

You may get better ideas if you re-post on Teenagers. There are some very knowledgeable posters in that section who have experience of dealig with this sort of issue and also with the agencies that should be able to assist.

Best wishes