Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
SN teens and young adults

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on SN.

Original poster

i cant do this anymore :(

79 replies

ThatVikRinA22 · 28/02/2012 15:35

Ds is 20 and has aspergers, dyspraxia and dyslexia, and is still burying his head in the financial sand and i just dont think i can do anything more for him.

He is rubbish with money, he has stolen from me, taken huge interest pay day loans, secretly got and spent to the limit on a credit card and run up 2 bank accounts to their maximum overdrafts.

i thought we had finally sorted it but this month he has come to me in a panic wanting money. I have asked why and to sit with him to see what has gone wrong again, (i have had his bank card so i thought he couldnt spend) but he is refusing to show me what the money has gone on.

i am refusing to help unless he does.
so stalemate

i am worried that he is taking out debt and using our home address to get credit that he cannot pay.

he has gone for a walk and im here feeling shit. Yesterday i spend the entire day at uni with him for his DSA assessment and sorting out his accommodation.

today, i feel like i have no choice but to ask him to leave.
help.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 28/02/2012 15:56

He is going Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 28/02/2012 16:04

he wouldnt tell me what was going on so he has taken a ruck sack and gone. im still non the wiser but if he has walked out rather than show me what is going on again i can only assume its something he really doesnt want me to find out.

so looks like thats that. 20 years of fighting his battles, all for nothing.

he will stay away as long as possible to prove a point.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 28/02/2012 16:05

is anyone out there? i could do with a bit of handholding.

OP posts:
LadySybilDeChocolate · 28/02/2012 16:17

Oh, Vicar. Sad What has he been spending it on? Does he have a lot of new items in his room? Don't rush into anything until you know for certain what's going on.

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 28/02/2012 17:12

he refuses point blank to tell us what he has spent it on. he has spent about £600 this month, there is nothing new in his room but there never is.

He asked for £10 last night to get to uni today. i gave him it.
he said he had nothing left but then i found a receipt for £20 that he had taken out of the bank.
this morning had a direct debit returned and opened the letter to find him £814 overdrawn.
he refuses point blank to let us look and see where the money went. So i issued an ultimatum. and he took it. Sad

OP posts:
cornsilkity · 28/02/2012 17:14

what a nightmare for you. Do you know where he's gone?
Is there any way that you can check his email account to see if it gives you any clues as to where the money has gone?

LadySybilDeChocolate · 28/02/2012 17:27

It's really easy to spend money though. A bus ticket, a coffee, a sandwich all mount up. Is there a weekly ticket for the bus/train? This can help as you won't have to give him cash to get there. Can you speak to the bank? He's not able to manage his finances and needs help. Does he see it as none of your business? Sad

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 28/02/2012 18:18

yes he sees it as none of my business. ive tried to speak to the bank and because he is 20 they wont talk to me unless he puts me on as a co signatory, which he wont.

this month he spent £600. I think he is spending a lot on online poker among other things.

he is very very delusional. Last year he told me he was going to visit a friend in Kent and got on a plane to visit a girl he met on the internet in Seattle, USA.

he lies so easily it is scary, and he pretends its me thats the big bad interfereing mum.
in reality all ive ever done is fight his corner, and it seems its all been for nothing.
ive no idea where he went. he has not got in touch. he did not speak to me on the way out.
i spent the whole of yesterday sorting out university accommodation. for nothing it seems. he wont manage uni without us. he just wont, he is a 10 year old boy in a 20 year old body.
but he has cut me out and i cant do anything. He only does this when he has done something very bad, my suspicions are usually right im afraid.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 28/02/2012 18:19

he is now maxed out on 2 overdrafts.

we just sorted one maxed out credit card and one Wonga loan.

what more can i do? he needs to be honest with himself and he cant.

OP posts:
LadySybilDeChocolate · 28/02/2012 18:33

Sad You need legal advice on this. It sounds as though he doesn't have the capacity to understand what he's signing so, legally, he shouldn't be responsible for these debts. Does he have a social worker? He could do with being classed as a vulnerable adult. Uni is going to be incredibly hard for him, it doesn't sound as though he's independent enough for this.

5inthebed · 28/02/2012 18:39

Oh Vicar, how awful for you :(

I have no sound advice, DS2 is only 6 so we are not there (yet).

Does he have a social worker, does he see anyone professially for his SNs?

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 28/02/2012 18:42

not seen anyone professionally for his SN since he was about 10. thrown to the wolves, because we coped. he presents as so able. able for a 10 year old in a 20 yr old body.

im so sick and tired. so tired.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 28/02/2012 18:43

i would gladly take legal advice but he will not now allow either me or his father to interfere in his life.
except to feed him
cloth him
bail him out
cook for him
sort out all the things that its too hard to sort out himself...

OP posts:
LadySybilDeChocolate · 28/02/2012 18:48

I think you need to contact social services. He's not a child any more, things are very different and you all need some support. You're not coping now, go and sit in their reception and refuse to move until they do something to help you! Have you tried approaching the aspergers society/autistic society for help?

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 28/02/2012 18:51

Oh golly, what an awful situationSad

Do you think he has capacity to make these financial decisions?

I do think you probably need some professional advice but not sure who you should turn toConfused It sounds like he needs a mental capacity assessment but as he has special Lear ing needs rather than mental health needs ihave no idea where you would start with that.

Do you have any idea where he may have gone? Maybe at this stage just try to keep communication with him if you can through text or email, let him know you are there and you care until the initial emotion and tension has subsided.

JaneMare · 28/02/2012 18:54

i haven't anything practical to add, but wanted to give you a huge hug Vicar

i have an adult DS who has similar issues as you've described, PM me if you want to talk

{{{{hugs}}}}

AmberLeaf · 28/02/2012 18:57

How horribly tiring and worrying for you, im sorry I have no real advice as my boy is still only 9.

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 28/02/2012 19:02

thanks, really thank you. im so sad tonight. im on Wine and watching shit telly.

no idea where he went. didnt really think he would go tbh, thought he would cave in and tell us where the money went.
that backfired.

not sure what to do now but feel i need to stand firm until he will accept help.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 28/02/2012 19:07

Does he have friends that would put him up for the night?

Anyone you could contact so you know where he is and that hes safe?

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 28/02/2012 19:13

This parenting lark is never easy. I think we all hope as our dc's get older that life will be npmore straightforward but sadly it's nt always the case.

I think LadySybils idea of getting advice from the aspergers or autistic society is a good one. They should be able to advise you legally if anything can be done. It really sounds like there is a long term issue with your son unable to manage his finances. It's not fair on you to keep having to bail him out and it's not fair on him either if he just can't manage it.

Marne · 28/02/2012 19:16

lots of .

My dss (19) is the same with money. If it was my dss and that amount of money had gone missing then it would probably be because he had stupidly lent it to a friend (you know the type that say 'i will pay it back tomorrow' and then they don't), if he's anything like my dss then he would be very trusting and would lend to a friend. Could this be what your ds has done? if so he will be feeling very embaressed about what he has done so wont want to tell anyone.

Hopefully he will return home soon and explain to you what has happened.

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 28/02/2012 19:27

dont think he will be home tonight.

he has walked before and ended up at the YMCA until the supervisor twigged that "all was not well" and she phoned me.

not sure where he is and he hasnt text. typical of him. doesnt give a flying fig. no conscience. no thought for me. he will think he is making me suffer.

OP posts:
Doyouthinktheysaurus · 28/02/2012 19:52

Teens can be very single minded and stubborn. I don't have a lot of knowledge of aspergers but I imagine that only compounds the stubbornness and single mindedness.

If I were you I would keep texting every now and again, just remind him you are there, you love him and you want to know he's safe.

Take care

Lougle · 28/02/2012 20:24

Vicar, I keep trying to think of tactful ways to say this, but I can't.

Isn't one of the 'hallmarks' of AS brutal honesty? In general (and I can't deny I'm generalising) Aspies find it very hard to lie. Do you think that your DS has some other conditions that are affecting him? Not that it matters in one sense, but unless you are sure of what you're dealing with, it's very hard to fight it.

Does he have 'good times' and 'bad times', or is he always consistently vulnerable (apart from the general ASD stuff)?

If he has more aware times, followed by periods of denial, then lasting power of attorney might be something to look into . He could give you power of attorney while he is more stable, so that when he goes off the rails you can step in.

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 28/02/2012 21:17

aspies can and do lie, i know enough of them to know that that particular myth is exactly that - a myth. He does it very badly, usually i can tell because he smiles when he lies. He has to cover his mouth to try and not show me he is smiling, but he has on occasion done it very successfully. When he went to America for example.

We always have the same battle to begin with - he is always in denial. He is like a little boy in a mans body. He hits out and wants me to just go away and leave him alone because its too difficult to deal with all this scary grown up stuff. So he says he is a grown up and can deal with it.
and he doesnt.
he hands everything else over to me because he recognises on most other levels that he cant deal with it - money is the one thing we have issues over. again and again.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread