Struggling with husband’s overtime while caring for profoundly autistic son

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

I'm not sure if this is the right place but I'm hoping people on here will understand where I'm coming from.
More and more I'm beginning to feel like a single mum, even though I'm not. I'm not sure if I'm being unfair though. My DH works in a job that offers overtime regularly. He never did overtime (or very rarely) until about 4 months ago. So instead of leaving the house at 7 ( exactly the time DS gets up) and coming home at 4:30 he now leaves around 6: and comes home between 6:30 and 6:45. This means (adding in time for showering and changing) he sees DS for less than an hour. He doesn't do overtime on Friday but still doesn't help out as I visit my dad on Friday.
I know he's doing long hours (no extra money but time off) but I'm really struggling to be on my own for so long. DS has profound autism, non verbal, pica, zero awareness of danger, cognitive age of a 12 month old. He's at school for 3 hours but I find the afternoon and early evening difficult. I'm sure DH does too which is why he's started doing extra hours.
I don't know. I don't want to say to DH you can't do overtime but I feel stressed, tired and on edge. When DH came home at 4:30 I always felt like I could relax a bit. Now I feel I'm running on empty because even when he comes home he's tired (physical job) so I'm doing bath time and bedtime every night and then cooking, clearing up before the whole thing starts the next day.
I was so happy when he said he wasn't doing overtime on Wednesday but then said he was going to the pub with his mates to watch the football.
I'm just feeling like I don't matter. Like me and DS are the bottom of his priorities, I never used to feel like this.

This sounds so stressful for you. You must be exhausted.
If the overtime gives more time off rather than money will he spend any of that time with his son?
Could he do his hours over 4 days?
You need to tell him how you feel and say that your son/ family need both of you at times. You also need a break!
Why is your son only in school 3 hours a day? Is there anything in place for the holidays or any respite you can apply for? How about Direct Payments?
Look on your LA SEN Local Offer. Do you have a Children with Disabilities Social Worker?
You need to look after yourself or you can’t look after others.

edited for typo

You sound exhausted. DH needs to use the extra time off to make sure you also receive time away from caring.

Is there anything you can outsource to make life easier for you? For example, things like having a cleaner and shopping deliveries.

I second requesting social care assessments. A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment via the children with disabilities team for DS. On their website, Contact has model letters you can use.

There might not be anything on there suitable, but also have a look at your local short breaks offer.

Why is DS only attending school for 3 hours per day? Is alternative provison in place? Does DS have an EHCP?

DS has an EHCP which the school do follow. I can't fault the school they have been brilliant but every time I try to up his hours it doesn't work. He gets very upset the hitting and kicking get really bad (at home, not school) and at school he will just sit there trying to pick bits off the carpet/grass. So we're stuck on 3 hours.
I did recently get in touch with SS for support and respite but I didn't get anywhere. Was told to join support groups and do a parenting course and that even if I did these things I still wouldn't be entitled to respite.
DH won't change his hours or compress days we've been through that a million times and it just ends up in a row. He does the overtime so he can take Friday afternoons off ((as in the one day we aren't home) and says that's his time. He says I get my time when DS is at school but I don't think it's the same. I have to do the journey there and back, clean DSs room daily because he removes his nappy and smears, wash his sheets, try and do another load of laundry,, do cleaning, shopping, meal prep before I dash back to pick him up. It's not a break.
I just feel like no-one cares and sometimes I think about ending it all but I know I won't but it's hard feeling like a single parent. I have massive respect for single mum's but I shouldn't feel like one when I allegedly have a partner.

Sounds like you don’t sleep well either? Is your son waking you in the night or is it the stress and worry?
Your partner doesn’t sound supportive at all. Can you swap things around so you are home on Fridays or at least have every other Friday with some time for yourself?
Have you tried asking school staff if they can suggest any help and support? Maybe they could arrange a multidisciplinary meeting or early annual review?
Have you spoken to anyone IRL about how desperate you are feeling? Maybe your GP or even the Samaritans?
You are entitled to an assessment of your needs.

You need an early review of the EHCP and to also request alternative provision from the LA.

When you contacted children’s services were you refused an assessment or assessed but they refused to provide support? And did you challenge the decision?

Some people find counselling helpful and others find antidepressants help if either of them are right for you.

His EHCP was only reviewed in May, which was earlier than it was supposed to be. I haven't looked in to alternative provision because if he can't cope with more hours, he can't cope.
I was told by the woman from Compass they don't offer anything until I have done the parenting course. School think this is wrong and have asked for a detailed explanation as to why they won't help a family who are on their knees.
I honestly feel like we're not living, it's just an existence but then I feel guilty for thinking that as DS is actually a very happy child most of the time (which is what's important).: I'm so tired of fighting all the time. People tell me I'm strong but I'm really not. Most of the time I just count it as a win if we make it to the end of the day and everyone is still relatively happy and safe.

I know you just want him to be happy and you are doing everything you can to make him happy. Mums are good at pretending everything is fine and giving the impression that we are coping.

Often “ do a course” can be a way of triaging or delaying expense for an authority (no surprise there) it would be another thing for you to fit in.
What are they offering out of interest? School staff may be able to advise whether it might be of any use.

Sometimes one of the main advantages of courses for parents is meeting other parents who understand or are in the same situation and can share experiences. However if the others aren’t in a similar situation or their DC needs are nothing like yours it can make you feel more isolated and frustrated.
I really hope that you can get some help and support soon.

Just because DS can’t manage the current school full time, doesn’t mean he can’t manage more of anything, though. The whole point of alternative provision is that it is what is suitable for the child.

If you had the AR meeting in May, have you had the LA’s decision yet? You should have. If you haven’t, you need to chase. If you have, do they propose to amend? If they aren’t going to amend, have you appealed? If they are going to amend, have you had the amendment notice/notice of amendment like you should have been sent?

What support, including therapeutic provision, is already in the EHCP? What amendments are required? Have you looked at other placements?

LAs shouldn’t have blanket policies of requiring a parenting course before undertaking proper assessments and providing support. Unfortunately, some do. You can challenge that. Alternatively, some decide it is easier just to jump through the LA’s hoops. What I wouldn’t do is nothing though, because you need further support.