Failing as a mum

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

Really really struggling at the moment. Every time DS gets assessed he's regressed further I don't know if it's my fault, like I'm doing something wrong or not. School and doctor keep telling me I'm a great mum but I'm really not. I struggle every day. It's not so bad on the weekend but the week is horrible. I'm not a good parent, I'm not living I'm surviving.
DD2 has FND and autism, she suffers so badly, no cure. Fainting, bed wetting, tics, legs giving way, seizures. It has been worse recently because she's stressed with college but even at non stressful times she suffers.
DS is level 3 autistic he's nearly 6 but has been assessed as having the development of a 12 month old, apart from gross motor skills. This is a massive regression and I thought his understanding was better than that but educational psychologist said he's not understanding he's just following his routine and I realised it's true. If we do something different, even if it's something he does enjoy we can't explain to him that he will enjoy it. He does enjoy most things outside but getting to where we going is a challenge. But all he enjoys is being outside and water play. That's it.
DH and I are older parents (DS was a surprise baby) and we just don't have the energy to be out all day every day and then I feel guilty.
I spent most of last night in tears. It's so hard. It's not going to get better. It's like a dark tunnel with no end. I know I sound awful and I really do love my kids but it's so hard.
DH has eventually offered to give up work so I can go back but I'm scared that if I go back and don't pass my probation period we're going to be in a huge financial mess.. We can't both work because it's too much (we did manage when he was younger but he's only part time at school and has so many appointments so needs someone at home). Also DH can be quite impatient with DS at times. He'll tell him to sit down and watch TV after we've been out despite me telling him a million times DS doesn't like TV and has so much energy.
I don't even know what I want from this. No-one can change things. I have to get up and carry on but I don't want to. Sometimes I go to bed and wish I won't wake up (awful mum) I actually sometimes think the kids would be better off if I wasn't here. Definitely failing them.

This isn’t your fault. You are not failing. You aren’t doing anything wrong and you shouldn’t feel guilty. DC definitely wouldn’t be better off without you. You do, however, sound as though you are heading to carer burnout. That isn’t your fault.

What support are you all receiving?

Have you had social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for you, assessment via the children with disabilities team for DS and either from the CwD team for DD2 or via adults services depending on her age.

Have DC also had home OT assessments?

Does DD2 have an EHCP? What support is she receiving? Is DD in receipt of PIP?

Some parents find counselling &/or antidepressants help. Not because they can solve the situation, they can't, but to help them cope.

If you want to, feel free to post on the Goose and Carrot Pub thread. We all have DC with additional needs. Various ages, stages and conditions. No need to read it all if you don't want to, you can jump in wherever. One of my DSs has complex needs and has regressed. He is a teen. Two years ago, socially and emotionally, DS1 was functioning around the level of a 4-5y/o with some spikey elements. Since then, there has been some regression and the latest report that has him at around 2y/o socially and emotionally. Reading the reports is difficult reading. Understatement.

Your situation sounds really challenging but you are doing your best in difficult circumstances.
PP has listed some excellent routes for support and great advice.

Have you looked on your LA SEN local offer for any support groups or activities. Some LAs run inclusive or SEN play schemes for the holidays. Any SEN water play or swimming sessions?

Have you been able to access any post diagnostic support or parent programmes such as NAS EarlyBird Plus? A good way to meet other parents.

Google DIY water wall outdoor play. Something like this might keep your DS happy for a while.
Look for a tornado tube ( connector for 2 2l pop bottles) you can make a tornado bottle. Good for ready steady go activities or just visual stimulation. Again lots of ideas online.

Getting back to work might give you some space and perspective.