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[ExistingonCoffee]

A thread for all who have DC with SN. The thread is deleted and 90 days and doesn’t show in active. The fire is on and the bar is well stocked.

Thank you both.

@Lougle I don’t get as much time as I would like. It is 11 years this year and in previous years I have tried to block out some time in the lead up to DD1’s anniversary, but I haven’t managed so much this year. I have to be careful how I manage because DS1 is very attuned and sensitive to my emotional state. In some ways, the buildup is harder than the day itself. One foot in front of the other, getting through the days.

@ExistingonCoffee yes steady as you go. I completely understand the knock on effect of emotional state or even mistakenly perceived emotional state, better to hold it all down than deal with the consequences. I tell my plants how I really feel then zip it all back inside me.

The psychologist and study mentor had a joint visit today. Gosh we are tired now. Wonderful professionals both of them. If only DD had the energy to see them more regularly.

@Squirrelsandhedgehogs how are you doing? Fully better yet? Bedding plant season is coming closer I like buying new plants.

Thanks @HedgehogsAgree Well done on psychologist and study mentor. Still recovering here. DH is 90 percent better and managing work again, I am about 50 percent better but 3 days behind DH and hoping will be well enough for the garden this weekend. I will try. We haven't really fallen behind with things as cleaner came for a couple of hours, missed 1 gardening last weekend but as we got DD and her stuff that weekend it was always debatable whether we would do that one. I have lost about 1 kg with it and just realising today need some new clothes for holiday as I am a smaller clothes size.

Hope you can get through ok @ExistingonCoffee It's hard hiding emotions.

@ExistingonCoffee I always think of you this time of year. Nothing makes it better. Keep on going old friend, the geese are here do whatever works to get through.

ExistingonCoffee thinking of you too in these difficult days.

@ExistingonCoffee I am sorry to hear about DD1.

I've been naughtily giggling at DD1's fickle nature.

When she was very unwell and thought she needed to go to hospital, DD1 was demanding that the Psychologist send her to hospital, then when she said 'I'm not that sort of doctor', demanded to know 'where Sally is when you need her' (Sally is the name I'll use for the psychiatrist).

Now, because I'm refusing to buy Costa Coffees and meal deals/ready meals/fast food, DD1 has switched to 'Fing Sally! I hate Sally! If she hadn't warned you about type 2 diabetes I wouldn't be on an Fing diet.'

No amount of my defending 'Sally' or saying that DD1 isn't on a diet, or that 'Sally' is nothing to do with it, will convince DD1, who practically has her photo on a wall with a cross struck through her face.

I shouldn't laugh but it's so DD1.

@Lougle ITA! Due to her insatiable appetite and propensity therefore to put on weight, DD1 is only allowed treats on Wednesdays and Saturdays at the care home. I send her custom made postcards with family photos on, in between home visits. There is an option to add gifts, so last time, I sent her some white chocolate crunch.

A member of staff let her have some, then put the rest away in her treats’ cupboard. DD1 was indignant:

”She put it away! How mean is that? What a horrible woman! What’s wrong with her?”

Most likely DD1 called her “a fucking idiot!” too at the time! (Her most common epithet)

DS had a night bath again. So I cleaned the bathroom, get out of breathe easily with COVID but does feel like it's starting to lift now. DS is going round the garden a lot and sticking to paths. Will try going out and gardening tomorrow though not sure how long I will last, it's lovely with all the bulbs so want to get out. I found a tile with the names of 2 people who used to live here last time.

DS is so thin but seems to be eating OK. We are getting cakes in as he needs to get more weight on him. I think all the walking is good but burns a lot of calories.

Thinking of you @ExistingonCoffee hope you can find some reflective time within the busyness of your day.

@Squirrelsandhedgehogs hope your back to full strength again soon & enjoying the sunny gardening weather.

phew I was glad to make it to Friday and both teens started their period within hours of each other. Geez hormones have a lot to answer for the pre-p days are always so highly anxiety ridden for both DDs but especially DD2. I’ve just counted forwarded and the first exam she is due to take is those exact days which I think is really meaning we are going to have to push it back to the November sitting sigh. At least we do have this option with eotas. The one exam I can’t move in June her period is due that day why are girls so penalised by this. I suffered dreadfully with my periods until I had a coil they ruled my life and I had so much time off school with painful cramps I would nearly pass out. MenoP hasn’t been much better tbh.

@RainingDucks have you considered the contraceptive pill? My girls all take it back to back (DD1 has the PoP because of a medical condition). They only have one or two periods per year.

@ExistingonCoffee thinking of you and your girl today. I hope DS1 is unusually balanced and easily pleased today to give you some headspace.

Thanks Lougle it may well be the next step I will look into it. My eldest didn’t want too even to help her in her intense sports competition cycle, and I’m tad hmm as it’s yet another medication impacting DD2s hormones at a difficult part of her life when she’s only 14. It’s hard to weigh up the pros and cons as she copes well with the actual period/ not too bad cramps it’s just the 3-4d leading up to the start that massively impacts her anxiety & moods.

Thanks @RainingDucks Sorry to hear about the periods issue, a doctor maybe could help find a solution.

Thinking of you @ExistingonCoffee and hope you get some time for yourself.

It's a lovely day here and starting to feel better so we will attempt gardening. I got a message re the seat bookings being refunded so that will be everything refunded from Sri Lanka apart from 2 visas but they were £39 each and they need the money far more than us. It seems difficult for them over there now with a 4 day week and fuel rationing.

DD is working her punting job today and tomorrow and just back from a week of being a rowing coach for an Oxford college which they paid her for. So much energy.

DS is walking around the paths a lot and using whole of downstairs. This morning I heard the cat downstairs crying and I said to DH the cat is crying and then I heard DS open his door and the cat stopped crying. So he must have wanted to be with DS and DS let him in. Lots of bulbs out in the garden and quite a bit of the grass is returning. I hope to be able to dig, put lawn seed down then compost today whilst DH finishes garden path. May be too ambitious.

@RainingDucks does DD take antidepressants? If hormonal contraception isn’t right for DD and she isn’t already on antidepressants, what about an SSRI for the luteal phase? Some women do that for PMDD, but I can’t see why it wouldn’t be helpful to DD without a PMDD diagnosis.

Thank you for all your kind words.

Managed 4 hours gardening and cleaning of downstairs floors with DH. This is back of the garden. We have nearly completed all 3 paths with 5 slabs to go. Did some lawn seed and compost, digging today and clearing leaves and cleaned paths. Lovely day and silkies came too. Discovered DS is using his new trainers so that's good. He took a bath whilst we gardened then went to the living room.

Garden looking good @Squirrelsandhedgehogs and drying up now. I did a couple of hours constantly pulling up wild garlic on Sat it just will not stay under control despite me pulling out many black sacks full over the years.

Hows the shed @HedgehogsAgree did you get it sorted out in the end? Hope the walks are still continuing.

We’ve now moved the exam entry which has bought some temporary relief to DD2. And now 2nd hand car shopping for DD1 who’s saved up enough money to buy her first car which is both scary & exciting for her. She’s 19 soon so has done well to save up for it. But going to be tricky with parking locally especially as she gets home late when most spaces have gone on the road.

I’m now in a spin as LA are calling an annual review in June and I’ve not done one before. I’m reading ipsea advice but I’m worried I was encouraged into talking about post 16 options at the call last week so it was off the cuff and they want to use this opportunity to name these as well. Interesting the previous EOTAS meetings the lady always issued notes within a day and asked us to agree them of the meeting. None have been issued so no audit trail of what was discussed sigh. Can I ask if they worst case scenario try to name a school after this AR for start in Sept26 can I refuse and take them back to tribunal (with a 1year backlog) keep her EOTAS package in place so at least she gets a chance to take GCSEs in her cohort year. She has good attendance at her current AP we want this to stay in place. Ideally I’d like to delay any college talk for another year (keep her back a year continue eotas age 16-17 but I doubt that will happen. But could we self fund that years education?.) as I do not think it will be in her best interests nor will she cope emotionally going to MS college environment after just turning 16 due to late August birthday.

@RainingDucks remind the LA the AR in June should not be the phase transfer review. The phase transfer review must be within 12 months of the transfer. In order to meet the 31st March deadline, it must be held in the autumn term of Y11 or at a push at the very, very beginning of January. Some LAs like to use the Y10 AR in the summer term, but they shouldn’t and you can force the LA to hold one in Y11.

When in June is the AR meeting? If towards the end, even if the LA amends, it is unlikely they will finalise in time for a September start if the AR meeting is in June. If the beginning, it is possible if they stick to the AR timescales.

You will get the right of appeal following the AR. However, if the LA amend, that EHCP will be the one legally enforceable until another version is subsequently issued.

You can EHE. The naming of a school does not mean DD has to attend. Nor does it automatically result in DD being on the school’s roll. It could be very costly, though! Be aware not all EOTAS providers will work with EHE DC, so if your aim would be to use the existing providers, that might be an issue.

Preparation is the key to ARs.

Make sure advice and information from all your providers is circulated before the AR meeting, and that it is accurate. Reports should cover needs, recommendations for ongoing provision (including the strategies and approaches that work and what doesn’t work so that it’s clear what kind of provisions continue to be required), and outcomes. As well as including progress, they should link progress to the nature of the provision. This will help you demonstrate the continued appropriateness of EOTAS/EOTIS.

Then, once you have the updated advice and information, go through your EHCP. Know what amendments need proposing and reference evidence to support the amendments.

It can help to also have a list splitting these amendments into 3: 1) what is included already but where the wording is vague and woolly so needs tightening up, 2) what is included already but needs altering e.g. if you need more tuition hours or more OT in F, and 3) things that aren’t already in the EHCP.

Don’t forget to look at PfA.

Make a list of anything that isn’t working but where the SEP doesn’t need changing, e.g. anything where the problem is the LA not the provision.

Also, a list of anything else you want to mention and any questions you have.

During the AR meeting take minutes.

Thanks @ExistingonCoffee lots to think about so they basically change it and we are then stuck again waiting 12mths until appeal goes through the system. And probably forced into funding APs again. then MS college which she can’t access. Honestly after the last few weeks I’m just so tired of fighting this all it never ends, then reading the narrative coming out of the new bill going through it’s just so overwhelming.
The main AP told me last year they signed a 2yr contract for provision to help get her through exams with consistency of providers being so so key to supporting her MH needs. We can fund this if we have too, we’d have to cut a couple of 1:1 sessions out but we could fund the minimum from DLA money and I’d have to fill the gap again.
The LA has said they want to use it as the phased transfer review it’s set for mid June she would be year10 if in school.

@RainingDucks I would remind the LA cannot use the June AP as the phase transfer review. Do this in writing.

If you had to appeal the EHCP, it wouldn’t be immediate, but you would be able to request an expedited hearing because DD is not in school.

Then, when the LA issue the phase transfer EHCP next year, if you need to appeal, it will be prioritised as a phase transfer appeal.

I can’t remember when your Tribunal was, but the LA must not remove provision Ordered by SENDIST just because they disagree with it.

The LA would still have a duty to provide s19 provision if DD is unable to attend the named school. But if you EHE, the LA will say you are making suitable alternative arrangements, thereby relieving them of this duty.

EOTAS was awarded Nov24 by tribunal pre-call then nothing happened so I got it relisted full tribunal Feb25 eventually got funded AP in late April 25. So we’ve had one year of funding and mid way through yr10/gcse content it’s really not in her best educational interests to be moved as she’s making progress and engaging. Sendist left in the EHCP a detailed list of AP provision despite the LA asking several times for it to be removed as “too detailed” I objected and when the EHCP was issued they had left it all in seriously it was not too detailed! It had the minimum number of hours of tutoring etc. they were offering max 4hrs tutoring to cover Maths / English & Science and I got upto 25hrs but we’ve only accessing 10-12hrs of in person provision the rest I facilitate at home. They will I’m in no doubt ask for that to be changed again as they really fought it. All I can do is evidence what she has accessed and what is still difficult for her too. There is just no way she would cope back in MS again.

Just to give you an idea on timelines @RainingDucks if you need new reports, I asked around re SALT and EP in about May last year. Called SALT almost the same day and heard back from EPs within a few weeks.
Booked SALT assessment for end of July (DS school finished late then we were on holiday) and she came back in August. Report in Sept.
EP wasn't available till Oct and got report end Nov.

Ds is doing an hour and a half a day now. He’s down and confused about it. Since there isn’t a suitable course at his present college for next year I am finding it hard to see how this is helping him? They don’t have staff for him to be out of group and can’t manage his behaviour in class. It all seems very unfair. Lack of sleep with a lonely needy boy is a struggle.

Thanks @drspouseuseful to know but im not planning on getting more private reports we had to do that to get EOTAS and just can’t afford more. The age she’s at and the limited post 16 options I don’t think it will add much value at this point in her education journey sadly. We can facilitate a lot plus when she’s interested she’s actually a really good & self motivated at learning just not sure she can sit any exams yet.