I just had such a weird and quite awful time, any one with kind sympathetic words would be great.

[BongeddyBong]

Took mildly dyspraxic ds to party. Probably shouldn't have but I do feel a bit bad rsvp'ing yes then not turning up. And we never know until the day if he will want to go.

Ds didn't talk, or join in. It was strange and discombobulating. And I want to say to people look he has these issues but I KNOW that it would further alienate him. And that would be disastrous.

So mostly it made me feel quite alone with his problems. Does this sound familiar?

School sent home some photos of sportsday, and in every picture DD was watching on the sidelines looking lost while the others joined in. Don't think they intended to make us sad but it did

god it is . I have been so chipper and bustling and positive. Today was crap and it does feel heavy right now. Worst thing is I feel murderous towards dh too.

In future do explain to the parents (a bit) if they are anything like me, they will be able to cope with one who may or may not come.

But you have my sympathy.

yes we shouldn't have gone.

He may have enjoyed it even if he didn't join in. You don't know till you try.

Totally understand. We just turned down yet another invitation for DS2 because he gets to parties then tries to get out as soon as the noise starts

Yes, DS the same. We always go to parties (not that we get many invites)

Sometimes he enjoys them; sometimes he doesn't. If he is not having a good time, we just give our excuses and leave.

Do get some funny looks though, sat in a party with an 8 year old. But not into giving explanations about DS condition unless I know someone really well. From bitter experience, they just gossip about you at the school gates if you tell them too much...

Exactly, it can be a lonely old world dealing with it. It would just become gossip and further loneliness. We are still in all class party mode. Shudder to think when exclusion kicks in. And on a good day these are nice friendly people. Just how it is.

My dd almost ended up in A&E last week after a friend's party.

Dd's 7 and has hypermobility and heart problems and although she is usually too exhausted to go to parties after being at school, she wanted to go. I'd offered the birthday girl's Mum my phone number, but she declined it.

In the 90 mins that I wasn't there at the disco (not soft play place!), dd had 3 serious falls, resulting in joint subluxations and she also hit her chest very hard and was unable to breathe properly when I went to collect her

The other parents also looked like this
What do you say to people? You're damned if you tell them, and damned if you don't.

cripes deepbreath! Your poor dd and you. It must be harder when it is no longer the done thing to stay at the party. Think we'll generally be scuppered then.

That is awful. I don't have a child with special needs but know several and both being told and also ask the parents (and child if possible) what we can do to make the party more enjoyable. Including a chat to my DC's to make them aware that we are all different and could they try a little harder to make a or b feel at home. Both DS 's are fab.

Makes me wonder what kind of people don't feel they can go out of their way to do this.

The only time I was unsure of myself was when it was a child who suffered anaphylactic shock from the slightest hint of a nut and had his pen thing.

I think people forget to think outside of their own little worlds sometimes .

Anyway, as I don't have a massive need to be on the SN threads, I still wanted to say that there are parents without who care and are very sorry that such issues are all encompassing in life. x

Thanks Mittz I'm almost sure the parents would be fabulous really. They are kind and inclusive in a way, helping ds and asking if he would like to join in.

I am just totally unsure what the outcome would be if I did say something. As confidence is key to ds having a chance. I just don't trust that everyone would be understanding. I mean it is is totally alien to people who don't know about it. And not simple, so people are worried they will get it wrong and could avoid us even more. I think.

I think the difficult thing is that a birthday party is such an unknown quantity. It seems rude to say, DS would love to come to the party, and thank you so much for including him (desperate!), but please give me a minute by minute breakdown of what will happen so I can prep him for it, and should you deviate from the plan we will walk out, particularly as the parent may not have an exact idea of what will happen.

Sometimes I wonder if I developed an actual phobia of children's parties.

ha me too.

I had one recently where ds just played and joined in as others do. It was incredible not to have the stress.

One of the reasons I go is to have a chance of being included next year. Somewhat clinging to the edge of a happy social life for him.

You know the really crap thing even my parents wouldn't be understanding.

Most social situations are stressful for DS/us (he has AS). I am getting better at dealing with it, mostly, but sometimes I will come home and have a secret cry because I know we have been judged and it breaks my heart.

I am also going through a sort of mourning at the moment as I keep hearing about friend's children's brilliant school reports and feeling quite sad. DS is super bright, but behaviourally challenging and has been excluded loads this term, so I doubt his report will be glowing

Oh RD it is heartbreaking.

And it is often a secret cry.

I will join you in that.

RD does your dh/p feel as heartbroken as you?

Dh doesn't. He says it could be worse and that's the extent of our discussion on the matter.

DH deals with it differently. he is relentlessly positive about life (I am more of a cynic ). To be fair, he usually makes me feel loads better about things, as he points out all the wonderful things about our boy. And I don't want to sound negative. I recognise all that is great about DS> But parties, gatherings etc can be very hard. I can feel the tension in the air - people looking at him thinking he is odd, and looking at me thinking I am a crap mum...

yes me too. Dh is relentlessly positive. I feel the vibe.

He doesn't care what people think.

yep-i used to hate going to partys with my child as i felt like i was being judged and i often felt alone!
it got to the point though that i was so fed up with peoples stares and comments that in the end-i didnt care no more what others thought!
these days-if i feel the need to explain i will-if i dont i wont!
Reasonabledoubt-
yeah-i felt like i went through some kind of mourning and i used to feel sad but now this doesnt bother me too much as i just look for for other things in my child!
like-she s a bit unusual and sometimes this can be very funny-so she has this part of her that a lot of other children dont!
i hope this helps