The effect of being told "it's psychological"

[KatyMac]

It makes you feel:

It's your fault
You haven't brought them up properly
You should have done something to prevent it
There must be something you could have done differently
What did you do that made this happen
What could you have done to prevent it
Everyone knows it is your fault/bad parenting
They are all looking at you & judging
Poor parenting skills
Guilt
Anger
Sorrow
Paranoia
Incompetence
Rage
Despair
Ineffectualness
Shame
Misery

When in fact it's something that could (& does) happen to anyone - adult or child. There is nothing that can be done to prevent it.

Psychological problems cannot be anticipated planned for or prevented. You can't parent "this way" to ensure they don't happen (at least as far as I am aware)

Maybe?

Yes, been through all those. But in the end we are coming out of it, and we are coming out a little stronger, a little more tolerant, a little more flexible, a little more able to deal with whatever else life has to throw at us. Not saying it was worth it or I don't wish it hadn't happened. But definitely saying that we have learnt a lot and are the stronger for it.

One thing that really helped me was that at the time before dd had emotional problems, she had spent some time at the rehabilitation clinic (for her joints) together with girls who were in for psychosomatic stuff, and we had both seen how "ordinary" they were and how completely ordinary and capable their parents were. Same with the friend whose dd developed anorexia- she was one of the most competent and lovely mums I've ever known. Shit happened to those families, they didn't make the shit. That comforted me when dd hit a bad patch.

We all feel guilty.

DS1s ASD was caused by his vaccination so I feel it is totally my fault.

No reason to feel DDs dyslexia is my fault -but I still do.

I sent DS1 to a crap school for 6 years - feel totally guilty.

etc, etc, etc

But of course it isn't. Anyways I bet your DDs problems aren't psychological. Just cause they doesn't know what causes it doesn't mean it is psychological.

For years and years they blamed ME on hypocondria - until they found out more about it. (I think)

I told you in an earlier thread that my DS lost his vision from 3 months to 12 months - that sure as hell wasn't psychological, it was the vaccination, but the medical profession preferred to say 'the cause of his vision loss and developmental delay has not been diagnosed'

Bastards. Don't let them get to you.

I don't understand the dismissive attitude to psychological problems anyway. If something is psychological, does that make it less scary and awful? Or any easier to get over? I don't think so.

The guilt thing is massive. Really massive. For example, this week I find out my boy is in pain or discomfort a lot of the time - and I've been pushing him and pushing him to walk, because he's nearly 5, and he should be. Etc. Guilt is a fucker, and it is a total waste of time and energy. I would like to stop doing it now, sure there is a way!

I think the worst point for me when we were really worried about DD1, CAMHS were expressing big concerns and saying not to put any pressure on her, we could see that she was really on a knife edge and were desperately trying to protect her and school started trying to get me to go on parenting courses. That felt like the most judgemental anybody could be. I was already ripping myself to shreds with guilt and worry - I really didn't need anyone suggesting that my parenting skills had caused all this.

That list sums it up. I would perhaps add isolation because when none of the professionals seem able to help then it is up to 'supermum' to don every single hat!
Even if in a logical moment I know I did not cause my sons difficulties ( LD/ASD) - the guilt is there -the wondering if - and the constant accusing stares from others. ( Ds hd a very public meltdown last ight so licking my wounds today) Pointless to feel guilt but it seems to go with the territory.
Personally I think once more is known about about the workings of the most complex parts of of bodies (neurochemical regulation etc)most psych Dx will disappear!!
I fully understand not wanting to leave any stone unturned to help your dd.

Do you think it's worth giving this to the psychologist?

I have been given (an unrequested) appointment this afternoon I had just 24 hours notice - & despite many difficulties I have arrange time off for DH & I. If we didn't go today we would have to wait 3 weeks to see her

& frustration too

Seems a good starting point.

The appointment is for DD but I don't think they should underestimate the effect my mental state has on her situation

Hope in some way it helps.

all rings bells, either feeling it or by judging people saying it to you

They have said this to me in the past...although 'they' is just the head teacher of the children's centre....but during the CAF meeting they said...oh yes all Dylans mneeds are being met...they sent me on a parenting course which I have to attend over my summer holidays and I feel like screaming well why? I have spent 3 years studying for a degree in early years, I am a primary school teacher, I know what to do and I do it...that's why he isnt even worse, I have done everything you suggested even if I thought it wouldnt work...grrrr...some people just dont understand how bad it makes you feel.