Should I explain to other parents?

[GooseyLoosey]

Ds is 7. Highly intelligent but with apalling social skills. He does not intuit social boundaries or understand body language. We have no diagnosis for him, but I am fairly clear that there is a problem. Other parents have said to me "he's not like other children" and have described him as "difficult".

The other parents have always tended to avoid having him around as he can be loud and wild. However. after he was set upon by all of the boys in his class after school, and big tough dh burst into tears saying he and our son could not take any more, they have an idea that there is a problem beyond him being loud.

Quite a few have now invited ds around. Although I know that this won't last. However, do you think I should explain to them what the issues are with ds? That sometime he just does not see a situation the way they do and if they explain it to him, he can intellectualise what he cannot intuit. I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill so I am not sure.

Any thoughts?

I have taken to telling other parents whose house DD2 (7) goes to that she may say things which could be upsetting to their child and if she does they should gently explain how their child might feel to her. This is the only way she will learn what is appropriate because again she doesn't know it intuitively.

How do you find that they react Al1son? I am worried that they will just think he and I are wierder than they do already!

I would - but that is just my opinion.

Those who are happy to to try to accommodate are worth having as friends. Those who can't be bothered aren't.

It is also a valuable skill for the other children (and their parents!) to learn that not all kids are the same as them.

[shocked] at being set upon by 7 year-old boys! Have you raised this with the school?

I have not been in this exact situation (ds has LD and ASD) but it is helpful when others can understand my sons behaviour and feel able to step in and quietly support him. I would be careful who I tell what to- but a simple statement should do nicely.

meltedmarsbars - we have indeed raised it with the school. They make all of the right noises but ultimately they cannot make ds and the other children get on with each other.

The irony is that many other parents see ds as an agressive child when what happens (and we have spent a lot of time observing this together with the school) is that people torment him because he is a bit odd and then eventually he "has so much anger inside" that he can't keep it in anymore and lashes out. He is also huge and of course this exacerbates the problem.

Magso - when you say you would be careful, what do you mean?

Thanks all for replying. Dh have spent so much time crying about this of late, its nice to be able to talk.

The reactions have been more positive than those we were getting before I told parents. There had been some quite tight lips because they saw what she said as deliberate trouble-making whereas now they feel free to explain to her they are more tolerant. I have only told parents I have faith in so far though. It remains to be seen whether it's a good idea all the time.

Its good to hear of a positive experience. I am deffinitely thinking that this is the way to go.

I also wondered whether I should explain that if their children have a problem with ds they may wish to suggest to them that a possible solution would be to say "What you are doing is making me unhappy because..." as ds may well not have understood this. What do you think?

Actually am struggling with all of this quite a lot.

I guess that depends on the child concerned. I hadn't thought of suggesting that the child says it. I was more thinking along the lines of the mum having a quiet chat with her.

I suppose does make more sense for the child to say it though because it teaches them how to manage their relationship with DD2 in the future. I think I might try suggesting that in future. Thanks Goosey.

It is hard because nobody tells us if we're getting it right. It's a huge responsibility and the impact of any misjudgements can be very long-lasting.

Its nice to exchange ideas because as you say, you never know if you are getting it right.

I thought that if they could explain to their children, it would help ds at school and also help their child to manage a situation where there may be no adults. Clearly not all 7 year olds would get this, but some are emotionally very astute.

I'm sorry the school weren't more helpful - that's the sort of thing our local school are very good at. They can't force children to get on but they can teach care and consideration for others who have different needs.

Making an effort with some of the parents could help. It is a good idea to suggest different approaches for the child to use.

I hope it does work out for you.

Thanks - the school do try, they just don't really know what to do.

I was just thinking that now the other parents have an idea of a problem, I should capitalise on it. I just need to work out a way of talking to them where I don't burst into tears (which to my eternal shame I have done twice - I think they must think I'm a nutter)!

Good point. I guess I find it hard to credit other children with the skills which I know my DDs are missing.

Another reason is that I'm finding it hard to trust other children because DD1 gets such a raw deal from her peers. She is often the one they all turn on for a laugh and I have to pick up the pieces. It feels a bit like I would be handing DD2's peers ammunition to do the same to her.

I'll have to give this some thought. I'll have plenty of time because she doesn't get many play date invites.

OMG just read that back and it sounds horribly self pitying!. I think I need to go and put a DVD on and try to catch up with some ironing!

Your dd sounds quite a lot like ds. Has she actually been diagnosed with anything?

I think I have got sucked into the self pity thing lately and am therefore making a concerted effort to snap out of it and to try and take positive steps. Hard though isn't it - and actually, I think that sometimes parents need a pit of self pity and indulgence to get you through the hard times. What I would really like to do sometimes is shout at the other parents and children for being horrible to ds but of course I can't do this.

Goosey all I meant was I find it much more useful to say what my child struggles with and how to support him rather than use medical terms which may frighten (and be misunderstood) by some people.
Ds had a very hard time around 6-7 and was also set on by a few boys several times and the other childrens parents saw the results. That same peer group of 10 year olds has matured to a (mostly)lovely bunch who understand ds relatively well.
I have a book called 'Its so much work to be your friend' Richard Lavoie, which may help although it is very american.
It sounds very positive that ds is being invited to other homes, and giving the other families enough information should help support the freindships.

DD1 (13) has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.

DD2 (7) is starting assessment in Sept and is almost a carbon copy of her sister in her social difficulties especially in school.

I could swing for some of the girls who have been so foul to DD1. She just doesn't 'get' how they can appear to be so nice one minute and be so vile the next. It makes my blood boil and I also get cross with her for allowing them to use her like this which I find quite hard to cover up at times.

This is a good place to be when you are feeling a bit like wallowing. You realise that it's not just you and that helps me enormously.

I've not got any ironing done yet!!

Thanks Magso. I think ds's group of boys has the capacity to also turn out to be lovely. Individually they are mostly nice children - its when mob rule takes over there are problems. Do you worry about what will happen when your son goes to secondary school and is not with the group of friends who have learned how to deal with him?

Al1son - have you found a dx helful for your older daughter? For a whole variety of reasons we have so far avoided doing anything for ds. I do wonder sometimes though if those reasons are not more for me than for him - not sure I could bear the crushing guilt I think I would feel.

DD1 needed the diagnosis to help her cope in high school. She had been apparently coping fine until she started there last September but the number of people, chaotic corridors, teachers shouting, unruly behaviour in class and the sheer size of the building were too much for her. She has just been given a place in the mainstream autism base on site and returned to school after several months off. She could not have accessed this provision without the diagnosis.

She has also said that it's helped her self-identity because she understands now why she always felt different from her peers.

I think it's a very individual decision but you would probably do well to look into the secondary/high school provision and see whether you think he will find it manageable. Ask him too. he may have more insight into his coping skills than you realise - both my DDs have blown me away with their awareness of how to manage their difficulties in the school environment.

The feelings I had when she was diagnosis were overwhelming. I was on a roller coaster of emotions for weeks and I still am at times. You do come to terms with it and realise that life is still perfectly manageable.

My son is now at sn school so only mixes with the village children and former ms classmates at cubs and in the park. The other boys treat him like a friends younger sibling - but mostly with friendly kindness. But yes I worry about secondary (its only a year away and will be at a sn school too) - friends are so important!

I have always been open with other parents about dd1 (she's 6 and has Aspergers), it was easier once we had a diagnosis although we knew from an early age she had Aspergers. Dd1 has a few friends, she rarely gets asked over to peoples houses but then again i don't often have her friends come to our house (so may be if i made the effort she would have more invites). I am also open with dd2's dx of ASD, she starts school in september and i am being very open about dd2's autism in hope people will understand why dd2 does not speak and is still in nappies.

It has to be a personal decision, but I've always been open about my son's dx. Once people realised that it was an explanation rather than an excuse or carte blanche for everything, they were a lot more willing to listen and think before judging.
Mine has AS, was very aggressive when baited and was both large and powerful. He didn't get subtle hints, mockery or sarcasm at all until he was about 12.
Now he's big and powerful but with more control and more people who know him and his coping strategies. He's 15.
It gets better, he's a much happier teenager than he was at primary.

Another thing is if you tell people about his DX you might find out that there are other kids with SEN that you didn't realise - and therefore might find some school mums who you can be friends with

Telling some people has really helped ds2. last week in fact ds2 made a boy in his class cry, he didn't say anything awful, just stated a fact without tact.
I had a chat with the mum explained, we then had a chat with her son, explaining that ds2 didn't mean for hat he said to be taken the way it was, the end result.. Ds2 apologised as he didn't realise he was upsetting the lad until he cried.. And the lad told ds2 that he'd let him know when to use a bit of tact..
No problems since.

Ds2 has a group of nasty boys ( one leader and a few followers) who have tried to manipulate, goad, physically attack and spread rumours about him..
Ds2 has resolved this far better than the school or we could.. He told the much nicer bunch of kids about himself and how he sees or doesn't see the world.
They were brilliantwith him, it was through this group that he told that the word spread and now the nasty lad has ended up without the power, yet ds2 now has a big group keeping an eye on him!

It is also helpful that ds2 has told a good friend that he needs help with knowing when to turn take in cnversation etc.. Again the reaction was.. " oh.. That makes sense.. Cool I'll help you "

we are crossing fingers for secondary.. But senco and the ed psych have a fab plan in place... And we've had a few trial runs.. But today he had a full taster day with everyone there, met his tutor, found his way round etc etc.. And came home beaming!

Thank you all for your replies. It is so nice to hear from you all and what your experiences are.

Arsenic - your son and his friend sound lovely.

Goblin - ds gets agressive when baited too. I get so angry on his behalf that the other kids deliberately wind him up and then go whinging to their parents when he reacts. I have spent heart breaking hours with him trying to explain what he should have done and why but they never see this or what their children have done to exacerbate things (not an excuse for ds but I'm venting a bit here).

Interesting point Indigo - I hope so as its quite lonely here in "no mates" land!