New school bliss hasnt lasted long!

[claw3]

Ds didnt want to go today because boy x kicked his ball away from him at playtime. I did suggest to ds that perhaps the boy just wanted to join his game. He insisted the boy was 'not being nice'

Also saw boy x getting out of his car on the way to school and ds shouted his name and waved and the boy gave him a 'stare'.

Had lots of this at the old school, so im well aware that ds has great difficulties interpreting the actions of others and picking up on the clues that other children want to join in. But when the boy kicked his ball away ds, would have just withdrawn and other not so nice kids, quickly pick up on the bullying potential in ds. So some misinterpreting and some bullying, is about the strength of it.

Wrote a note in his home/school book, just stating that obviously ds has difficulties interpreting the actions of others, so it is recorded, in a nice way (blamed ds, so as not to put the new school's back up) and had a nice word with his teacher along similar lines.

The new school have been understanding and said they would re-inforce telling an adult if he is unhappy (ds wont do this).

New school have been very good and ds already gets full time TA support in the class room, while we are awaiting statement.

Can you think of anything else i can do, while im waiting on this Statement?

Really sorry that it hasn't lasted Claw. It's just one thing though, and the school does sound like they're on the ball with his learning so far, so please try not to let it put you off. He will be statemented and he'll get the exact help he needs soon.

You can maybe ask if someone can help him during play time to interact with the other children? There are TAs that cover dinner time. Does the school have a buddy bench? Would your DS understand what one was?

Claw Children are children and well, pretty brutal tbh. They themselves have immature socialisation skills. Unfortunately, your ds DOES stand out and will always be a potential for bullying, as are all of ours. The key really, is the school attitude. Are they a school that will try hard to regulate this and reduce it as much as possible? Do they fell it is unacceptable behaviour? Do they have strategies for helping your ds to stand out less and not be so much of a victim? Do they take your concerns seriously?

They are the kinds of questions you should be focusing on. Also, your ds must have had his self-esteem pretty erroded at the other school, and lack of self-confidence also can bring out the worst in other kids. Perhaps you can suggest that the TA work specifically with ds on his confidence levels?

I'm sorry this has happened, but not particularly surprised. Kids are horrible.

Try not to worry too much Claw. As teacher is aware I would just monitor and see how it goes. Might just be a one-off or just that the boy is not too nice. My ds has similar problems with a certain crowd of boys. They are now picking on ds's friend who is really upset. Friends mum has complained as have I and action is now being taken to stop this. They sound like a good school and know your previous problems so am sure they will be keeping an eye on your ds.

My DS1 has problems with a few kids, too. They get very much in his face and he just flips. Of course, they're kids and don't understand, so they are quite entertained by his over-reaction (and of course, whinge very loudly when he takes matters into his own hands, which, thankfully, is rare). Staff at the school are aware of these problems and try hard to nip them in the bud. His aversion to certain kids is so bad that, when one gave out the lunch bands, yesterday, he refused to eat his lunch and had a horrible, angry afternoon. This kid has his own serious impulse control issues, which jars with DS1's sense of order and justice, to put it mildly.

Hopefully, the school will work with your son to build new relationships and fit in. It's hard starting a new school when friendships are already established, for anyone, and even NT kids step on a few toes in the process.

Claw, your ds sounds a little bit like dd1 (AS), i think her friends and some school staff just see her as a winger , dd1 is never happy and other children are always upsetting her, she has low self-esteem and finds it hard to understand other childrens behaviour and actions. If someone says something nasty (like 'i dont want to play with you') she takes it really badly and will spend the whole day upset.

A few weeks ago she started joining in with a group of children that play football and now plays football most break times, she finds this easier as she doesn't need to communicate as much with the other children but has to work as a small team, most of the children are a year older than her which also helps. The school has also started using the year 6 children as 'playground buddys' who look out for children who are on there own or upset and try to find them someone to play with.

Dd1 often shouts 'hello x' to other children and they ignore her or tell her to go away, there are also a few children that know how to upset dd1 and will go out of their way to make her cry, she is learning to stay away from these people.

I hope the school manage to come up with something to help your ds and to improve his self-esteem.

Thanks everyone, i was pretty much expecting this to happen, it was only a matter of time. Changing schools alone is not going to help ds with his social communication skills!

Star i pretty much blamed it on ds's lack of social skills and interpreting the emotions and actions of others. As you say ds will meet people who are 'not nice' to him throughout his life, so approached the school as its ds's problem and how can we help him kind of thing, as oppose to the other boy isnt being very nice.

Everything seems to be pretty much on hold until Statutory Assessment. They have given ds full time 1:1 TA until his needs and support etc have been established by SA. They are relying on him to tell a teacher if he is unhappy at playtime, something he has never been able to do. I have told them, he wont tell a teacher and they are just trying to re-inforce that he should try to tell a teacher if he is unhappy. With the view that this is a different school and things might be different etc, etc.

He obviously needs help with his social skills etc and the school are fully aware of this and agree, but are waiting on statement to establish exactly what help he needs and where, with TA in place until such time etc.

Part of the dx meeting recommendations is that school work on his self esteem.

school sound genuinely well intentioned, could the card system actually be workable with them that went pearshaped at the old school?

/slightly off topic - but OMG Marne your DD1 sounds a LOT like me as a child! I used to do a lot of physical stuff (in my day it was tag and elastics, girls didn't do football) at junior school as that was easier than talking iyswim. I found the transition to a single sex academic high school v. hard partly because there was no opportunity for low stress social activity at breaks.

Me to TotalChaos, my best friend was a boy and i was in the football team, hated all the girl social things, even as a young adult i found it easier to talk to men about cars etc rather then talk to females about hair and make up. Going to a single sex high school must have been so hard for you, i don't think i would have coped.

Claw I'm sorry I sounded so defeatest in that last post. I didn't mean it to come out like that. I kind of meant that just because one boy wasn't particularly kind doesn't mean that the school isn't right. They have to work on your ds going forward, but they also have to undo a lot of harm from the past I should imagine and then they have to help him to integrate. It's a lot of work.

I hope they are up to it, but they do sound like they might be.

Total, they are very understanding and i wasnt made to feel like a nuisance for mentioning this.

They have written a note in home/school book thanking me for my note, im not used to this! telling me the class teacher has spoken to the class about the rules of football and how it involves tackling other players for the ball, but that it shouldnt be done in an unkind way. (Ds told me, boy x was playing football with a group of boys and ds was playing alone and the boy came over, kicked his ball away and then rejoined his friends. So hardly ds not understanding the rules of football) I gave the boy the benefit of the doubt ie that he might have been attempting to play with ds, until i took ds to school and saw the stare he gave ds. Ds was very agitated this morning.

Lunchtime supervisors have also been asked to keep an eye on ds.

They have spoken to ds about the importance of reporting to a teacher so it can be dealt with immediately.

Ds hasnt touched his lunch today. Sign of anxiety.

Im trying to play down my over-anxious mother image passed on to new school by old school.

When i have mentioned that ds wont report anything to a teacher to new school, they feel we should give him a chance in a new setting etc.

I know he wont report, do i keep on or let them see for themselves?

Star, oh no i dont think that school isnt right, they are very understanding.

Obviously there is only so much help they can give without a statement and ds is already receiving lots of help.

Its kind of i can see exactly where this is heading, but school want to wait to see iyswim.

and im not sure of what to do for the best. Push and school feel they are doing all they can or go along with their advice and 'wait and see' when i can see where it is heading.

How does this sound:-

Sorry Mrs X, i didnt explain it very well. Ds says he was playing football alone. A boy who was playing football with a group, came over to ds, kicked the ball away from ds and then rejoined the group he was playing with.

Still hardly crime of the century! Just wanted to make you aware that ds takes it all very personally and gets a bit anxious. He didnt want to come to school and didnt eat any of his lunch today. The slightest little thing has an impact on him.

Thank you for your note and reassurance. I can see you are doing all you can to help to ds.

Claw tbh, I would leave it this once. I'm really not a fan of the 'wait and see' approach but that is because most of the time I know the school is shite. This school are probably a bit shite, coz they all are, but I think it is very early days and they have to work some things out for themselves. Don't bombard them with notes so early on atm however well meant.

However, DO record the incidents for yourself, for monitoring, so that if nothing changes you have a list of evidence of what has happened and how you have tried to raise their awareness.

FWIW I recently spoke to someone high up in a very expensive chain of private autism schools and they told me that the parents are literally crazy when their children first arrive (after having won a place via tribunal). They are so paranoid and have suffered so badly at the hands of their LA and previous school that they trust no-one and call every hour for the first term with precise details and demands. I'm not saying this has happened to you but ygwim!?

Star, you are right, im not quite that bad, but i know exactly what you mean. I used to be so laid back!

I was in two minds, my logical head was telling me to leave it, my old school head was telling me, its started, nip it in the bud

Thanks a bit of perspective was exactly what i needed.

agree with Star, give it a few weeks at least, it till take them seeing for themselves how he reacts for it to click with them.

Another one agreeing with Star.

He's probably going to have some initial transition anxiety to cope with too, isn't he?

I agree with Star too Ds was treated so badly by old school, im on my guard all the time. I need to take to chill pill!

It was just so lovely to see him look forward to school, for a few days and be so happy. When he didnt want to go, all old feelings come flooding back and i felt i had to put it right immediately, rather than waiting. I forgot i dont have a magic wand!

Yes Bigweehag he will have some transition anxiety wont he.

I saw SENCO on playground duty this morning and just gave her a wave and said thank you for your help.

Two lovely little girls come and find ds every morning and ask him does he want to go and play. He totally ignores them, but they do get a smile from him and i tell them what good friends they are.

Cool! Now if only my LA would agree with me........