What a cra**y day!

[siblingrivalry]

I am having the day from hell with dd1 (9, with AS). Can I please have a (long) rant?

She has had a rough week generally, but today just topped it off. Because she is stressed, all of her other issues come to the fore.

She went through 4 outfits this morning before she found one that felt 'right'. Then she didn't want sun cream on, so got really upset. Then, I was apparently pulling her hair out when I attempted to tie it back to cool her down.

Then we had issues with her refusing to drink, despite her lips being cracked with dehydration. That ended in tears and dd losing it.

Onto this afternoon and we went to a bbq at the PILs. DD wouldn't come inside to cool off because MIL had washed her cushion covers and the tags on the cushion inners were visible (tags are one of her phobias).

Then she spilt juice on her skirt and top and became hysterical. The clothes were drenched in orange juice. All MIL had for her to change into was a pair of shortie pjs she had bought for the dds - but dd wouldn't wear them until I had cut all of the labels out.

That was ok, I'm used to that. However, dd2 managed to soak her with a water pistol and that upset dd1 again.
So, I went home for a change of clothes. I brought an outfit I knew dd was comfortable in, but she said she could feel where the tag had been and that she didn't feel 'right'.
There have numerous other issues throughout today.

Now, I know she can't help any of this and that her sensory issues are worse because she is stressed, but my patience has been tested to its absolute limit. She needs me to stay calm and controlled, but it's a struggle.

DH (also VERY likely to have AS)is oblivious to all of this and fails to see why I feel upset and drained. He told me to 'chill out', then switched the TV on.
God, it's so lonely sometimes when I feel like there isn't a soul to turn to.

Sorry for the long whinge, I think I just needed to get it all out

Oh lovey
does dd have a calm space she can go to, to block out the world?

Aaah, Sibling, you are not alone honestly. Although, in that moment when you are taking on all your child's stress and trying to make the world feel right for them again, it certainly feels like there's not another living soul who understands the irrationality of an Aspie.

My DS is very similar, especially if the world has changed for the day and routine has gone to the wall. Was there some excitement about going to your PILs or the hot weather? I always used to say , before I ever knew about ASD, that it sometimes felt like the world was just too much for DS and I think that describes those moments when his world is out-of-sync perfectly.

You have been an absolutely wonderful mum today and should be very proud of yourself. Your DD is a very lucky girl to have a sensitive, engaged mum like you. It might not feel like it, but you made her world a little less out of control today. Well done

Oh, this board is amazing

Thanks so much to both of you for responding to my rant.

Arsenic, she has her own room as of a couple of months ago. I often 'suggest' she goes up there to play with the various sensory toys she has. She is needing to stim a lot though(she runs in a straight line and flaps) and needs outside space for that.

Debs, I'm over-emotional and actually welled up when I read your post -thank you .
I think you described it really well, the world just gets too much sometimes.
She's a bit fragile lately because she's really stressed about leaving her lovely teacher and moving up a class. We have had many discussions about it, but she is very resistant to change, like many Aspies, and finds transitions really difficult.

We are so lucky that her school is wonderful and are doing all they can.
However, I am anticipating a bumpy few months ahead so am gathering my reserves in advance!

There are so few people who understand; I love MN SN board!

DS1 had one of those days, today. Amongst a million and one other things, he freaked out because I gave DS2 a pink cup, today and that was for girls so DS2 can't have it. (I can't remember how we got a pink one, but we've had it for a while and DS2 has only just become good enough at sucking to use it.)

We got a funny out of it, at least. In one of his moments (hough they've all sort of merged into one), he insisted I had to go far, far away. I managed to calm him from that rage with a big bear hug and he sat on my knee and told me I needed to get him something big and blue. I exhausted every idea I could think of and he said "there's no answer." so I told him he'd just sent me on a wild goose chase. His reply? No, that's not blue.

It turned out that he meant I needed to get a bus - which would take me far, far away

It's draining, though. DH and I have been taking it in turns to have jobs to do in various parts of the house. The bathroom is sparkling.

It's also amazing how fast DS1 stops protesting and eats his dinner when DS2 starts helping himself to it!

Sorry would have got back to you sooner, yet ds's arrived back from a weekend at their dads and it's taken a while to settle ds2 back to almost his normal self. ( we are having a bit of a flap at the moment because there is fluff on his pj bottoms).

Anyhoo.. Glad you have a space for her I think ime it's important that there is somewhere to shut the world out.
This time of year is a nightmare.. Schools routines go out the window, it's hot.. Changes are happening in class structures, holidays I actually think summer is worse than Christmas!

Debs before iknew about asd I thought exactly what you did!
Square peg in a round hole!
And it's so true that the as child can change the air In the house like a light switch and we seem to soak it all in for them and others around.

I'm trying to think of things that would help.. All I can think of is preparation, explination, routine and maybe make it a rule about drinking enough.
Although I'm guessing you already do these things.. As we all do.

It's just so hard sometimes, when you have your baby and all looks well you relax, and then you realise somewhere down the line that you are still caring fir your asd child in a way that could be likened to toddlerhood..to keep things on an even keel..
Where you see ( in my case) older and younger siblings growing independant from you and taking life in their stride.

I'm actually smiling properly for the first time today (as opposed to through gritted teeth!) when I'm reading these posts.

Ouryve, sorry you had a crap day, too. It's exhausting isn't it. If I see a blue goose, I will be sure to let you know
I also grinned at you and your DH doing jobs to have time out - we have squabbled over who is going to take the bins out before!

Arsenic,your last paragraph really resonated with me. DD2 is 5 and incredibly independent and confident. I watch her with, at times, a mixture of pride and of sadness that dd1 struggles to do many things that dd2 takes in her stride.

I think I will make a rule about drinking -thanks for the tip! And maybe do a type of 'social' story IYKWIM.

It's funny you mentioning how we soak in all the stress for our AS kids, because I said to a friend that I feel like a sponge -I absorb all of dd's worries and fears.

I also smiled at your ds and the fluff on his pj bottoms. Not in an unkind way, of course, but because it's familiar. We can no longer buy dd any pj's with transfers on, because if a the transfer cracks etc then there is hell to pay.
Thanks again for all of the support.

no problem at all.. I love the sn board, see in RL no-one would just understand about fluffy pj's!

Sibling - glad you are smiling again - I'm right there with you with the ASD stress.

DS has been doing trial visits to his secondary school this week so all the stress has come out this weekend - no answers - but you're not alone.

Also have a DH who I reckon is on the spectrum so totally fails to understand DS and his needs.

Sounds like we have a lot in common, LimaCharlie. DH is very much 'in your face' and dd suffers from sensory overload. Not a good combination!

Sibling - we're waiting for a dx for ds1. you have done an amazing job in working out all the triggers and trying to avoid them.

arsenic - your post about gradually realising all the things you do for them are not normal resonates with me. from an v early age everything had to be just so with ds. By nature i'm very lazy laidback but people think I've got a bad case of pfb becuase of all the adjustments i make - leaving places early, sticking to routines etc

In a way it is easier now he is 4 and his developmental delay and asd is so apparent.

Very similar indeed although DH and DS other way round - we went to a bbq last night - all the other Dads went to play football with the kids - DS desperate for his Dad to join in - DH doesn't like football - can't understand why it would be nice to just attempt to join in for DS sake - DS persistent - DH oblivious - me frustrated

Btw DS used to have the labels on clothes thing - he's got much better as he's got older - when he was a toddler even cutting out the label wasn't enough - if the stitching was still there it would bother him. If we couldn't get the stitching out then he'd just wear it inside out

Hot weather not helping here either - he's still pacing the floor hand flapping and humming.

Thecrunchyside, I feel your pain -I spent years defending my decisions to people who thought I also had a bad case of PFB. I just don't bother now -just think sod 'em
Good luck with your ds' dx.

LimaCharlie, it's totally frustrating, isn't it, when you can see the impact your dhs' behaviour has on your child? I feel like a referee half the time.

Oh, and the number of times I have made a hole in dd's clothing by cutting labels/stitching etc out! Your ds has initiative in turning them inside out.

I've thrown many of my own clothes in the charity shop bin because the label or some patch of stitching or a bit of "detail" is intolerable and even with my sewing skills, there's no way I can remove it without affecting the structure of the garment. I wear a lot of socks inside out, too, much to DS1's dismay, of course.

And never mind fluff on clothes, DS1 went through a phase where he was terrified to get/stay in the bath of there was a bit of sock fluff in it. We would point out that it was only a bit of fluff and it wouldn't hurt him before we fished it out. He is at least communicative enough, these days, to talk through his fears and set ideas (like the shock horror of the pink cup - I did point out that he was pink!) because they do tend to spiral out of control and become really debilitating, otherwise.