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SN children

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Original poster

Encountering prejudice

16 replies

rebl · 25/06/2010 17:23

Yesterday had a really odd and quite upsetting conversation with a mother whose daughter (A) is going to be starting school with dd(NT)and ds(SN) in September. DD and A are good friends and my impression up till yesterday of the mother was a nice enough lady, very "Cheshire Set".

DS is going to be the only one in the school who has a visible disability. This parent asked if I had made sure ds wasn't going to be demanding too much of the teachers time and had the cheek to suggest that maybe a deaf school would be more appropriate. She also asked to see dd and ds's homework books from preschool so she "could check that A was doing ok". I was so taken aback by this demand (it wasn't even a request!). DS had actually done some homework and was very proud of his work so showed her. When ds left she actually said again, "are you sure he doesn't need full time 1:1, the class teacher can't possibly be expected to support him with those abilities". I was stood there in total shock. Eventually I politely told her that I was proud of ds and his abilities were within the normal range (not totally true but he's only just outside normal range for mark making which is what she was basically looking at).

I know this is just one mother but she actually voiced what she was thinking. Are the others all thinking the same? God, what if all the mothers are like that and I've totally got them all wrong? Maybe thats why ds hasn't had a single party invite or playdate from preschool?

I'm so not going to get on in the playground if they're all like that. Do they honestly think there aren't other children in that school (and I know its small - 67 on the register in total) that haven't got hidden disabilities? Seriously, I was totally shocked that someone today is so prejudiced, thinks that ds should go to a Deaf School because thats where deaf children should go so they don't take up too much time of the class teacher. Or am I being totally naive and this is what most people think?

And if this is what the parents think then what do the children think? Are they going to be like that towards ds?

We had the option of a deaf unit for ds and I was so adament that it wasn't right for him and now I'm wondering if I was wrong and should have at least viewed it.

I'm very definatly having a wobble over this!

OP posts:

shimmerysilverglitter · 25/06/2010 17:34

NO! You know your ds, you know what is right for him.

Don't worry about the kids at his school they will be fine, sadly it is the adults that are the problem nine times out of ten.

I don't know what to say about that awful woman, just so for you but not at all surprised. I have found that since joining the world of having a SN child in MS I have had to grow a very thick skin. No-one really talks to me at ds's school, he has ASD, I sometimes wonder if they think it is catching or whether they just don't know what to say to me because they perceive having a child with SN as such an awful thing.

Knowing myself and ds's Dad, we would probably ask for some kind of meeting with the parents and ask if anyone else has any concerns? Then quote verbatim the law that says that my SN has as much right to be in MS as anyone else's NT child and that it is up to the teachers and school involved to ensure that MS is accessible to him in a way that is not to the detriment of ANY child including him. Some parents of NT children seem not to realise that your SN child is equally as important as theirs.

roundthebend4 · 25/06/2010 17:55

yep sadly it does exisit in the nt and in the sn world we have suffered from both sides .

Ds is obviously not nt , pd, minimal verbal , .

But have come across in the sn world well he is not really pd or well he does not have challening behavious so your lucky .

but i always say ds is just ds , .As for the mum give her the catbum face it was mostly the paren ts tha had problem with ds rather than dc

Mind when phoned to find out more about text phones from the dea\f society got asked why was i phoning since ds is not deaf

StarOfValkyrie · 25/06/2010 18:54

No, they aren't all like that I promise. I wasn't before I had ds. I was ignorant to some extent but I would never have spoken to you like that and I wouldn't have even thought those things.

If anything I would have been impressed that my children were getting to mix with a good range of children given the school was so small. I PROMISE you this is how I felt BEFORE having ds.

StarOfValkyrie · 25/06/2010 18:55

Next time she mentions anything retort that you are concerned with her pushy behaviour, how much time she will be taking up of the teacher when she should be planning etc for YOUR children.

Original poster

rebl · 25/06/2010 19:23

Star I've been thinking that all day and wished I had. I've got myself thinking that she's only said these things because she wants her precious A to go to the exclusive private school down the round which is one of the most exclusive schools in the country and is so exclusive that although obviously you need money to get in, you also need to be the cream of the cream. I bet she's expecting the class teacher to give HER dd extra time to ensure her place in this school.

I didn't think I was like this before I had ds but then obviously before I had ds I didn't have children so it wasn't exactly something in my mind.

We wouldn't be sending him to MS school if we didn't think it was right for him and if we thought he would be a detriment to the others in the class.

I'm so and that people think this. I don't know how I'm going to get through school if this is how people are. I grew a thick skin 4 yrs ago but its clearly not thick enough and another layer is required for this next stage.

OP posts:

TotalChaos · 25/06/2010 20:04

and , what a vile woman. clearly somewhat clueless about inclusion and differentiation of work for children.

merrymouse · 25/06/2010 20:39

She does sound like a bit of a 'character'. I think that she would offend 95% of people if she demanded that she could see any child's work for comparison, and she wouldn't be too popular with the teachers either. Not sure what she could judge from your children's books if they are all at preschool anyway. Sounds like a nutter (and a nutter who hasn't met many deaf people).

If you are worried about inclusion I would talk to the Senco - this woman does appear to be a bit of a problem (for the school). They can't necessarily change her mind, but they are responsible for creating an inclusive atmosphere. I know it's difficult when you feel excluded, but if the school want your child, it is none of her business.

claw3 · 25/06/2010 21:00

OMG im afraid this woman warrants a fuck right off.

sarah293 · 26/06/2010 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

rebl · 26/06/2010 22:09

LOL Riven, would love her to do that!

OP posts:

CardyMow · 26/06/2010 22:32

Maybe she'll find out how much sh1t she talks while she's up there.....

sarah293 · 27/06/2010 06:13

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Al1son · 27/06/2010 08:47

I think you need to raise this with the school. It may be only this cow lady who has an attitude problem but they still need to be aware.

For a start they may be able to introduce you to a parent or two who will support you in the playground at the end of the day. If I'd had your experience I'd be dreading that bit of the day.

They may also be able to do some work on inclusion with the parents and clarify the school's position on equality of access, differentiation, etc. This might clear up any misunderstandings and send a warning shot across the bows of her and her kind.

fightingtheLA · 27/06/2010 20:54

A 'friend' recently said how kids with SN should all go to special schools so that they don't disrupt all the children like hers who are struggling to get enough attention from the teacher! Wonder what she will have to say when DS gets his dx!

IndigoBell · 27/06/2010 21:06

This is awful. Poor you.

It is unusual for people to be this rude to your face. Some people will be thinking this - but not all.

The other children won't be thinking this (unless their parents put the idea in their heads...) They have no idea how children differ from each other. They have no concept of race or religion or anything....

She's obviously a total total prat, who you can well and truly feel sorry for her, because for sure her daughter will never live up to her expectations.

In the mean time keep smiling (even if you're faking it) and hope that you can make friends at the school gate.....

I found it to be better to be hopen and honest about DS1's challenges, so that at least if the mums were gossiping about me behind my back (which I'm sure they were), they'd have the facts....

camaleon · 28/06/2010 11:10

Rebl,
I do not have SN children. I like reading threads here because a few closed friends have kids with SN and I find it very useful.

I can promise you, not everybody is like that person. I bet this parent has problem with many other kids, SN or not SN. Easier said than done, but try not to become paranoid about everybody else. The vast majority of persons do not gossip about other kids abilities (at least in my world). I believe the vast majority of persons who have not a clue about the challenges your family may face, may make many mistakes, many times because we do not know how it is like.

That mother is just a bad person and you should stay very far away from her... with or without the smile.

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