how do I get over this?

[nightcat]

My (well and truly ex-)friend (female) referred to my ds lifestyle (which is quite restricted due to SN) to that of a retard, I was dumbstruck.
And this is someone whom I met through church and with whom (I had thought) I had a fair bit in common. She is history to me now, but I feel sick inside, simply gutted and can't get over this, it's almost like I need to do something to make me forget, but don't know what.
Can't face the cow to let it rip, not worth the breath, only said to her that I didn't want her to use that expression in the context of my child and slammed the door on her. Anyone can help? Or will I forever now remember this? Must be one of the lowest meanest point of my life.

Oh no. That's so sad, but you know it has nothing to do with you don't you?

Nothing about you or your ds has changed for the worse, just your perception of her, and she represents an ignorant sub-section of our society, but not most.

It must have hurt lots because you had previously identified and respected her presumably. But she has shown you HER true colours, not your colours. Your colours are the same. I don't expect you'll get over it, but you will get a thicker skin.

so sorry though.

thanks Star, like if SN families weren't isolated enough, now I feel back to square one, in the "never trust/open up to anyone ever again" iyswim

Ive had similar experiences, it hurts. It just plain sucks, and leaves you feeling bad about yourself and child, and they walk away with not one iota of a clue of what they have said or done. I feel like screaming "HOW IGNORANT AND RUDE CAN YOU BE? I DIDNT ASK FOR THIS LIFE, AND ITS PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT MAKE IT HARDER!"

You are a better person than her, because you can see what an ignorant person she is. She isnt even aware of it.

The things my MIL has said, I cant believe people can still think those things, let alone say them!

I was talking with 'friends' only yesterday, and explaining some of DS5's difficulties (they have been wondering for a while). When i mentioned that he would be going to the special school by YR1, they threw up their hands and said in unison, "ooooooh no you dont want him going to a place like that!"

WHAT???

I asked if any of them had ACTUALLY been IN the place or met any of the staff, at which point they shuffled their feet and looked embarrassed.

SCHOOL A
A small village school with a couple of computers, an ageing library, and a sparkly new office area. Currently revamping playgrounds, but easy to use 'escape route' gate (for those of a wandering nature) must not be tampered with as it is a "public access" gate (!?!)

SCHOOL B
Trained/signing staff, sensory swimming pool, large soft play area, large sensory room, adventure playground with waterplay, secure grounds, computer suite with touchscreens, woodwork and metalwork area.

I can see why i shouldnt take DS5 to school B...

PS sorry to ramble.

Oh, that's awful for you, so sorry. I have found that a few people have really disappointed me since dd1 got her dx and it hurts.
Do something nice for yourself today.

I commented to my SIL the other day that her ds was a lovely boy and how well he and my ds played together, she said "yes ive told him there is something wrong with ds and that he is ill"

She is ignorant, but well meaning. Was there anything well meaning about what your friend said, did she just use the wrong words or was there malice in what she said?

I think we have all been there at some point. It can seem very lonely with children like ours, but it is her problem not yours.
I had an old lady say to me "Your son has ruined the whole service for me" after Church one day. I naturally took him home straight away and burst into tears. (He hadn't done anything major actually but she just expected all children to be seen and not heard.) My way of dealing with it has been to be ultra nice when I see her. Don't want to sink to her level as my mother would say. But I certainly don't spend more time with her than I have to.
Your friend probably didn't realise how much pain she had inflicted.

thank you all
Northern Sky, I like that, to think of 5 good things about ds - maybe even life in general, that's helpful.
MissCut, I so like your expression in capitals, didn't ask for this life.., so true.. thank you.
Claw, I can't see anything well-intentioned in what she said, it pretty much destroyed my confidence on the spot (and yes, I walked away crying, not about ds, about how words like that could come out of her mouth).
A few days on, still quite raw, I keep busy doing things as not want to have time to spare in case mind wanders back.
Happycamper, I just can't bring myself to be nice to her in any guise, she is air to me now, trying to erase her from my mind.
Will be thinking of good things, this method of being grateful for small things in life hopefully will set me back on track.
Thank you all again

My mum used to say those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Became my mantra and have now passed on to DS. Tis very true.

I like that Loflo!!!! I just cannot stand the 'R' word hate it hate it hate it and I can totally understand why you would be upset.

I quickly found who my true 'friends' were when ds seizures started and it soon became obvious that he was going to be very disabled. I found that I kep the good people close and chose not to be around the insenstive people that said unkind things- I just didnt have the energy to be upset so focused on the good.

you will move on from this even though it probably will seem raw for a while and you will meet people who you can open to and be honest with again again

xx

loflo, that's so good and true, thank you!
Thank you for the moral support

GHugs. Give it time and let it go slowly.

Camping this weekend we heard someone yell 'if you dont get ehre you fucking retard I will smack ya one' then found out earlier she had told her kids to tell ds3 and ds2 (both some movement issues, dyspraxia and ds3 ASD) they 'ran loike fucking spaz's'.

Now that was bad enough frokm a stranger: cannot imagine how it hurts in your scenario.

Actually nightcart- a few eyars back MIL referred to ds1 as a freak. That took ages but it was a matter of letting time pass, allowing ourselves to put it to a side and break off contact without guilt.

OMG, SMA, how can people be so cruel.
I can see your point on breaking the contact off, yes, I think it will allow me to move on. Thank you.

nightcat I am sorry I think I might have seemed insensitive in telling you that I am ultra nice to the old lady who upset me. I understand how awful you feel, but I found that in behaving much better than she did it gave me a kind of power.
I am not suggesting you have anything more to do with her than you feel able to cope with.

What an arse! I agree with imahappycamper about the power you can feel by behaving "better". Many years after DS's dx I went on a course called Mindfulness and it made a great impact on me. Had I known what it would actually be about I would have steered clear as too mumbo jumbo, hug a tree for me as I had expected practical info on managing challenging behaviour! But it crystallised that idea that you can't affect other peoples' behaviour, only your own and you can choose how you feel about it (IN THEORY!!!). Although its all obvious stuff, it stuck with me. I can't always do it of course, but I have felt so much calmer and in control since that course. Before the money all dries up, get your local Parent Participation people to look at providing it.
But I'm not saying for one minute Nightcat that you should let her back into your life and good for you slamming the door and saying what you did! Its just sad when this sort of thing happens and we really can't help how shit it makes us feel

DAvros i;ve done a lot of that sort of thing through Uni (one of my 2 dissertatrions was on Buddhism anyway) and BIOBIC were encouraging us to try and get ds1 incolved in buddhist stuff as they have seen it help epopel immensely- both child and carer.

Worth looking into, I agree, and there is lots written out there as well.

thanks guys