Sorry a bit morbid, but what to put in our will?

[Saker]

Dh and I really need to make a will. The thing that's putting us off is that we have to have a discussion about what would happen to our two children in the unlikely event that we were both killed. I would like to ask my brother and his wife if they would be prepared to be named in the will to take on our children in those circumstances. However, that's a big ask at the best of times, and Ds2 has special needs and may well need care for the rest of his life. How do you ask someone to make what could be a lifetime commitment to your child with special needs? Is that even reasonable? They have 3 (atm small) children of their own; financially it could be alright because we would have stuff in place and they could sell our house etc, but emotionally and practically, I think it is too much. However if we don't ask them I don't know who we could ask - in a way the same thing applies to everyone. Has anyone else made a will and what did you do about this problem?

Ask them, I bet they would be honoured I know I would.

I would happily take on the upbringing of any of my family members sn or not.

People step up to the mark when tradagy happens.

We are just in process of making a will and have asked my grown up daughter to take on ds (with sn)if the worse was to happen, she was happy to be asked.

And most likely you will be around and they will never be needed.

I would ask them and say right off that their decision will not change the way you all interact.

My sister has agreed to be named to take responsibility of my dc's. ds has severe SEN and will need lifelong care. We have been very open and chatted a lot. What we have agreed is that my sister will make sure that both my children have the best possible care. That does not mean I would expect her to always look after ds, just ensure that his best interests are taken care of.

With dd I guess I have expectations of how her life will proceed. With ds we can't have any certainty. I would never leave instructions for ds future just ask people that I know love him to look out for him.

We haven't made a will yet because of just this issue. Tibni - thanks - your comments have clarified things for me. My sister is the obvious choice but I know that she is looking forward to her life post dependent children (her youngest is 14) and her partner has very little experience of children at all. The 'best possible care' phrase is a very good one.

Thanks for your comments and suggestions. You are right that I probably should just ask my brother. (I know that he has asked my parents if they think that I would look after his kids should anything happen to them, so we could probably reach a reciprocal arrangement). Tibni, the "best possible care" scenario is important - that it doesn't necessarily mean that they would always have Ds2 to live with them. And I am lucky that my parents would also be very supportive if they were still around. I also think that in adulthood, Ds1 will look out for Ds2, but again I don't want him to feel a very heavy weight of responsibility for the rest of his life.
Riven , that is hard; it makes my situation seem relatively easy.

So are you going to make them legally Trustees if you create a Trust Fund from your will for your child with SNs? I think this is the way it is done best, having attended an excellent MenCap presentation on this. If you're not sure, contact MenCap, I'm certain they give advice.

We have ensured that if anything happens to us that my sister will have enough money from our life policies to buy in help to make her life easier with our kids.

We saw a financial advisor explained what we wanted and he found the best/cheapest policy. we felt that it was also important that if something happened to one of us the other would have enough money not to have to worry until the kids were older.

Riven, thats really tough. I have a friend who has two children and no family and she has named myself and another friend should anything happen to her.

But how do you enforce her using the money for the purposes you state? I think you still need to look at Trusts tbh.

You can't enforce it - you will have chosen that person because you trust them with your money and your children!

As the other posters have said, most people are delighted to be asked.

My sister is our guardian. She can do what she decides is in all the childrens' best interests - ours and her own.

none of my family really would want my ds and those that say they would have the view he would be great in bording school which i dont want for him so when i change my will which i need to do im putting a friend down btu its complicated by fact that there is no way i want the ex to have him - he abused him as a baby but unless person named in will emphasises this i think they will have problems as they may say its an old issue as was in the past and the ex does have parental responsibility but hasnt seen ds since he was 6 months old!

its so hard isnt it

It's a good point about the money Davros. Not so much because of not trusting them but more in terms of making sure that there is money available and making sure that they can get it in a legal way easily and quickly. We need to talk it through with them and then with a solicitor. However it's pathetic but I worry I won't get through discussing it without bursting into tears . I get all emotional thinking how totally lost the kids would be, particularly Ds2 who wouldn't even understand what had happened and who is very reliant on me atm.

I am the same Saker - it's the one subject guaranteed to get me crying (and I'm not a weeper as a general rule).

I am planning to live to 120...

Glad I'm not the only one. I agree very old age is the only option...

Just from the other side if it helps. I am co-trustee and guardian when anything happens to my Mum. Dsis has learning disabilities and could not at this stage attempt independent living. There is money in a trust fund for her and I will have to oversee her care.

I had always she would end up living with me/DH when we were younger. Sadly I now feel this would not be appropriate as she is very jealous of my DCs and can not be trusted with them. (her and DD have had an altercation which resulted in DD being pushed down some stairs.) I would happily have a granny-flat arrangement though.

When something happens to my Mum I would hope she can stay living in the house she currently shares with Mum and I/SS would have to sort out care for her. I do not mind this she is my sister and I love her. I am just disappointed she has turned out to be not so nice so I am not happy for her to live with me in the same way as I was in the past. My DCs and their safety have to come first.

The details are all laid out in my Mums will and the co-trustee is my Dsis godfather. I am also expecting one of my DCs to take on the responsibility of Aunty when anything happens to me as she is ten years my junior and should outlive me.

I was happy to be asked to be DHs cousins guardian for their children if anything happened to them and they have offered the same to us in return. DHs sister/BIL will take on our children for us if anything happens to us. She is also looking forward to her children free years but she will do it because they are her family and she loves them.

Just ask your brother and see what he says, I mean this is hopefully not going to happen and is just in case but better you get what you want JIC than something else.

That's a lovely post, Charleymouse. It shows how things can change from what we expect. Best of luck and I hope it all turns out ok.

Thank you for your post Charleymouse. It is nice to hear it from the "other side" especially from a sibling which can be hard position to be in I am sure. I hope things work out well for you and your sister.

my mum is getting on and realistally think it would come down to ds1 and ds2 depending on ages , am avoiding much as possiable , though is slightly differnt as ds3 would probably as a adult cope semi independant abet with support

I still think you need to look at Trusts, not just to ensure that the money is used for the purposes you want, but I think there are tax implications and it stops money being taken away to pay for Care, rather than the State providing. Its all very well asking people and them being honoured, but I think you need to do it on a legal footing. What if something happens to them? Sorry to be alarmist but your DCs' interests need to be protected. I don't mean your lovely relatives are untrustworthy, just that the law will deal with the "what ifs".

Just an update : I asked my brother on the phone last night and he was fine about it. Obviously he has to talk it over with his wife before he can agree for sure, but he seemed quite happy. He actually said it was a relief to be asked because then he knew it would be legally our wishes and it would be a lot easier for them to take steps to look after our children than if there were people questioning their right. I hadn't thought of it like that. Also he talked about us taking care of their children if something happened to them, and so I don't feel like it's such one-way traffic.

We are already putting money into trusts for our kids partly because of the tax implications and we can talk to the solicitor about how to put all this in a way that it can be accessed etc.

All sounds good Saker. I feel guilty as we haven't done anything about this yet, even though we were very convinced by the MenCap presentation. We don't really have anyone to ask which is a sticking point.

Thanks saker, glad you are getting it sorted.