Settling Aspergers-type child into pre-school??

[ElusiveMoose]

Hi,

This is my first time posting in the SN topic, so please bear with me and try to forgive me if I say the wrong thing.

I have a DS of 2.9 who I am trying to get settled in pre-school. I've described him here as 'Aspergers-type' - I really hope that doesn't offend anyone. TBH I have no idea whether he has Aspergers or not (if he does, I suspect it is pretty mild), because all I know about the condition has come from reading stuff on the internet. The things about him that seem similar to Aspergers are:

1. He so far seems very bright for his age
2. He has certain obsessive interests (mainly letters and numbers ATM) in which he is very advanced (he can already count into the hundreds and spell/read pretty well)
3. He loves routine and order, and hates things that disrupt his schedule
4. He has what I only know how to describe as OCD tendencies - if you read a book of poetry with him he wants to read the whole thing (or at least you need to negotiate the number of poems in advance); he likes to do things in multiples of 10 or 20; he is irritated by things like cupboard doors being left open etc etc
5. He loves shapes and patterns (spends hours parking his cars in order) and is extremely observant of details
6. He has very poor social skills with people (children and adults) that he doesn't know. He HATES being talked to by strangers (e.g. friendly people in shops asking him questions or trying to give him a sticker or whatever) - he either ignores them, or gives a sullen 'no'. He is extremely shy of other children, even those much younger than himself - he would never dare, for example, to take a toy from another child, and he avoids going on play equipment whilst there is anyone else on there.

The things that seem to suggest that he doesn't have AS, or only mildly, are that:

1. He is very communicative with the small circle of people whom he does know well (mostly adults but also one or two children); though he's a bit young yet for us to know how appropriate/'normal' his communication is (and, now I think about it, he's still happier instigating a conversation than responding to a question, even with family members)
2. He is extremely physically affectionate with those he is very close to (esp. me and his granny) - loves to cuddle for ages
3. Although he does love routines and order and so on, he is not totally unswerveable about these things - as long as he's in a reasonable mood, he can be relatively flexible if treated in the right way.

Sorry for the long intro. Real reason for posting is that I've just started him at pre-school, and the first couple of sessions have gone pretty badly. At first I stayed with him the whole time, but have just started to leave him there by himself. He gets very upset when I go, and although he apparently doesn't cry for that long (as long as he's given his dummy), I get the impression that he spends quite a bit of time just moping about on his own. From what I gather, meal/snack times have so far proved a particular challenge - which doesn't surprise me, as he's quite a fussy eater anyway, plus he's got a whole new set of routines to get used to, and it's the only time at pre-school that something is 'expected' of him beyond playing (and presumably he also has to respond to questions etc).

I'm finding this process the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, and just so upsetting. Most of the time I tell myself that I'm doing him a favour (he has to learn to fend for himself and build relationships with other adults/kids without me being there); and I know there are plenty of children without any form of SN out there who take a long time to settle at nursery. But I also do worry that I might be permanently traumatising him by making him go through this, and part of me worries that I'm not doing the right thing.

Sorry, I've rambled on for ages. I suppose my basic questions are:

1. whether any parents of AS children have any advice for how I can help DS to settle at preschool
2. whether I'm doing the wrong thing by sending him at all

and I guess 3. whether it's worth trying to investigate the possibility of AS further at this stage.

Thank you so much for your patience and help.

Both DS and I have Asperger's, and the 3 points you mention about why you think he might not have it, also apply to us - my son is incredibly affectionate, for example.

Firstly, does he want to go? If he wants to go, its worth persisting. I also think that if you CAN get him settled and used to attending, you ARE doing the right thing! Have you raised your concerns with the preschool? It was preschool that first alerted me to the fact my son might have Asperger's (and that stage I was undiagnosed).

Things that might help - taking along favourite toys from home, or if the preschool have particular favourites. Train sets always seem to be popular with Aspies! Perhaps he could have a particular careworker assigned to him, who he could go to. Prepare him for what is to happen when he is calm. For example tell him you will stay until the clock reaches 9:30 (if he can tell the time and there is a clock there) and then you will have to go. Tell him what you will be doing after you have left. For example, you will go shopping. Its all about addressing his anxieties and concerns. Its harder when they're younger and can't articulate them. Try to limit any upsets beforehand. For example, don't have a battle over what he is to wear. If the preschool has a table of what they do on each day, then have a look at what is planned so he knows before he goes.

It might be worth investigating, trouble is at his age, many 3yos also have similar behaviours and grow out of them. Speak to the preschool, perhaps they can advise?

Dropping-off time and home-time were always the worst bits for my ds (AS) too. It was the transition between home and pre-school that he found difficult. What helped was to give ds a picture of the pre-school to look at before we left the house. He also had a similar one at pre-school that could be velcro'ed to a strip of card. Before home-time the staff would give him a 'home' picture to put on the card strip so that he knew what was coming.

I would give him a bit longer to settle in. It's still very early days yet and it's a whole new routine for your ds to get used to.

If you suspect AS then it's worth asking for a referral to see a Paed. The waiting list will usually be a long one, so there's always the option to take him off it again if you think he no longer needs it.

My ds got a provisional diagnosis at 2yrs old but the Paed wouldn't make it official until ds was around 3yrs old. This was because (according to the Paed) it was difficult to tell whether ds being bright was the cause of his 'quirkiness' or whether ds was using his intelligence to find ways to cope with AS and effectively masking it.

Thank you both so much for your replies, and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to acknowledge. Things have improved a bit - I've now left him for two 2 hour sessions, and on the second day when I turned up to collect him he was sitting in the window with one of the helpers reading a story, and when I walked past he gave me a big smile, and even when I came in through the door he stayed with the helper to finish the story rather than immediately getting up to come over to me. So hopefully that's a really good sign . Mealtimes are still an issue, though. I think I've decided that, for now, I'll give him his breakfast before we go and then bring him home for lunch - so it's only snack time he has to deal with. I don't think having lunch there is achieving anything ATM - he finds it very stressful, even when I'm there, and he doesn't eat anything anyway, and it just means that the last 45 minutes of the session are quite miserable for him, so we end up leaving on a down note. All I really want is for him to get used to being without me, and to learn to socialise with other children, so I don't think it really matters if he's eating lunch there as well. Maybe we'll try again once he's more settled.

Thank you so much for your other suggestions as well; I'll definitely try some of them. Still haven't decided whether to investigate AS as yet. I think I might wait until he's hopefully settled into pre-school a bit more, and then talk to them about it as well.

Hi
I know this thread is really old but just wondering what happened to your son and if you ever got a diagnosis. You describe my 4 year old exactly.