friend has just discovered baby (in utero) is Down's...what's the best way to support her

[Greythorne]

First and foremost, I want to say to her "Congratulations on your pregnancy"....is that OK?

Then what next?

Sorry, upset and shocked. Not sure where to go from here. She sounds positive. I want to reflect her emotions.....

But feeling lost. Don't want to do the wrong thing.

Any advice welcome.

Thx

You obviously are a caring friend but tread carefully.

I would say to my friend - "I can't pretend to know how you are feeling right now but I'm here to listen or just to give you some company while we eat cakes/shop for baby stuff.
Then resist all temptation to give any advice. If she mentions needing information you could tell her about the Down's Syndrome Association

Your instinct to NOT to show your own emotions of being in your words "upset and shocked" is a good one. This is her baby and she and her partner are the ones with the rights to feel whatever they want to feel. Your feelings of what she should or shouldn't do are not important.

I have a adult family member with Down's Syndrome and she is ace!

posted on yr other thread

not being semantic but her baby isn't down's. As in her baby is a unique, precious and prob much wanted child, not a syndrome or disability. Think steering away from language that almost defines her baby by a disability is a good start

appreciate that by thinking about yr friend and not wanting to say the wrong things and asking for advice you are a v thoughtful friend. Sure this will shine through with her

herjazz and riven
thanks for pointing out my error in terminology

that's exactly the type of thing I would like to get right to avoid any unintentional hurt

I have always wondered about that expression, btw. I hear my mother, for ex, say "he is Down's" and it has always struck me as weird just from a grammatical point of view. No-one says "he is AIDs" or "he is measles", it's always he has measles or he has AIDs or whatever. So, for Down's, which is better:

• he has Down's
• something else

Sorry to be a bit pedantic, but I need to get this right

riven
absolutely

hello Greythorne, the Down's Syndrome Association publishes a leaflet on prenatal diagnosis here. It might be worth you reading it so you can support your friend?
Also, have a look around the DSA site so find out more about DS - for instance, there's a short section on What to Say / Not to Say.

And lastly, if you think she'd be interested, tell her there's an friendly and active UK mailing list for parents of children with DS, and we have plenty of members who also had a prenatal diagnosis, joinging instructions are as follows:
UK Downs syndrome e-mail list

For informal support, discussion and information via e-mail -- this is a list for UK topics and people and those interested in them.

To subscribe and unsubscribe to the DS-UK discussion list go to:

listserv.down-syndrome.net/archives/ds-uk.html

Or send an e-mail to:

[email protected]

with the phrase subscribe DS-UK in the body of the message.

oh and yes absolutely, say congratulations, make a fuss just as you would if the baby was ordinary.
She'll have a gorgeous little baby in a few months time, who will smile, coo, make a big mess with solids and need lots of love just like any other baby. Don't make a big deal of the DS, and be guided by your friend.

My daughter has DS and she is gorgeous - completely changed our lives for the better
Check out a virtual photo book about her www.love2read.co.uk/see-demo-book.html?bid=66

I agree with geekgirl - contact the DSA for advice and support

Sorry didn't create link...

Have a look at a book about my gorgeous 10 year old
www.love2read.co.uk/see-demo-book.html?bid=66

and the things she loves to do
www.love2read.co.uk/see-demo-book.html?bid=8

Hi Greythorne

My 8 year old DD1 has Down's syndrome.
The worst thing about the first few days of her birth were the people who trod lightly around me and said 'ummm, errr congratulations, can I say that????' and the best was when everyone treated me like the happy new mum I was.

She may need some support iof the baby is born with a heart defect and she may well have the odd day when she feels a bit blue that her child will need support throughout his or her life. Other than that I'd just be happy for her.

My DD1 has bought us nothing but joy. She lights up a room, is incredibly pretty, charms the pants of people, has a laugh like a drain, is in a mainstream school and reading really well, stubborn as a mule and a pleasure to be a mum too, just like my pother 2 DD's are

Thomcat
Thanks, great post

gingemum
idem

Me personally would advise her to take each day as it comes. It's nice to listen to all the positive stories however you don't know what life will bring until you are further down the road. Remember it's a syndrome and there can be quite opposite ends of the scale. I agree treat the baby as any other baby, though things such as heart defects etc may make life not the norm.
I myself have a 9 year old boy with downs. Though I wouldn't change him for the world, life can be very difficult. However he has many issues/dx's which has made life unique from the start!
Good luck and congrats with your friends pregnancy. The fact you have looked for advice on how to help already proves you are a good friend, take care.

Hi.
Well you are already a great friend. I have a special needs baby and found out during pregnancy. I had many dif reactions from friends and family. Although your friend may be sounding positive but at night, she may be sobbing her heart out. We all want a healthy baby. The world would be amazing if that were possible. I would match her emotions, if she is down then don't completely match them though. Just not as positive. This little baby could have a tough few months after birth and what your friend may need more than anything is someone to lean on. BE THAT PERSON!

By the way, my baby has a serious heart condition, so most of my contact with the beautiful children that have downs have been after they've had or are due to have heart surgery. So if I'm not spot on with advice specific to your proble, I've experienced the attitudes that come with a "different" pregnancy.

Oh TC - not seen a picture of your DD for ages. She has grown up so much and is so pretty.

My baby was diagnosed with DS before birth but I had fantastic support from friends and family which made all the difference,

Once I was over the initial shock and the grieving process (I guess for the baby I was supposed to have IYSWIM) I just wanted to be treated like any other expectant mother and prepare for the birth. My friends were there to help me with this taking me shopping for baby stuff, listening to my pregnancy moans and sharing in my excitement.

That's not to say that some days were hard. Sometimes I would sob for hours, others I was convinced I would lose him and obsess over it (he had a diagnosed heart defect). I agree it was a very different pregnancy although I sailed through physically emotionally it was hard. Finding out before the baby is born means you have time to think about all the what if's and I needed my friends there to listen to my concerns and be positive for me and my baby.

You've been given some great advice here, stay strong for your friend and when the baby arrives get ready to fall in love with this wonderful, new little person.

Sorry i have not been back to say thanks for the advice, adriennemole, jacknwill, devientenigma and gingemeim gingemum your albums are fab
must get one for my own DDs
your little girl looks like a treasure