Ok I have a sort of philosophical question

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If your DC was on the cusp of a SN (so not suffering severely from symptoms) should we go for a diagnosis?

I had thought blithely yes (and we are going for a consultation at our hospital next week). But then someone in the playground said to me 'yeh but if XX gets diagnosed as XX then he'll be branded for life'. Suddenly I thought, what about job prospects, university, the future - would DS have to disclose etc? In other words should I just understand the issues myself and avoid a formal diagnosis?

My DS would have been in that position when he was younger, but as he got older the symptoms became more obvious. As his behaviour can be very odd it is a relief to be able to remind myself why it is.
He does not have to disclose his diagnosis when he leaves school if he does not want to.
It is possible that your DC will not get a diagnosis anyway.
There isn't a "right" answer to this.

Good question.

It would depend on the age and the probable diagnosis a bit I think. Some things get easier to cope with as you get older but a lot don't. Especially things like ASD that affect your social processing - as the school environment gets more socially complex, and particularly now there is so much group work etc, a child who was fine at 4 can struggle by 8 and be completely thrown by secondary.

I think, broadly, it's only a disability if it makes you less able. So if whatever-it-is makes him odd or eccentric but doesn't mean he needs help, then I'd hesitate to diagnose. Though you have to take a broad view of that - if a child with Aspergers' struggles socially, it can help them to understand that the problem is due to their condition, not them as a person.

Re: disclosure etc. At the moment afaik, you are only disabled if you consider yourself to be so. If an application form asks you to disclose, it's usually in the form of giving you an opportunity to do so, and if you choose not to that's up to you. However, if your employer later finds out about the condition and it either impacts your job or means you are asking for support from them, that can really tell against you. Some jobs/courses do come with a medical declaration (teacher training is one that springs to mind) and you probably would have to declare for that.

However - all of that is just the current situation. Unfortunately, you can't crystal-ball what the usual requirements will be when your LO is getting a job. So I'm afraid it will be a bit of a punt.

A last thought - branding/labelling is a common concept that seems to be taught as unchallengable gospel truth on eg Social Work courses, and so HVs and SWs will often pompously speak of "labelling" as if it was up there with making fur coats out of puppies, and they do it so much that it seems to have seeped into common English. Afaik, it comes from a sociology theory of the 1960s called "labelling theory" which broadly says that people live up (or down) to their stereotypes, so a label can both cause discrimination and limit the ambition of the individual. It's a very blinkered and one-sided view ime; and in most cases of disability any minor negative effect is completely outweighed by the benefits of therapy, understanding etc which a diagnosis will bring. So I'd take the whole "branded for life" thing with a shovel or so of salt. Or, hopefully, SALT.

Thanks for your answers.

I've been thinking since I posted and I've come to the view that physical disabilities are more 'acceptable' but I still think SN like 'aspergers' or those which relate to socialisation are misunderstood widely. This is what worries me. I was all for diagnosis but now I'm worried that if DS does get a diagnosis it will affect him as he goes forward. Am in a real quandry as you are both quite right about how helpful it can be to know why your kids are behaving in this way.

tbh a dx doesn't bring the parents any help understanding their children. They figure it out anyway. But it does give them a bit more clout when dealing with teachers, if they have a dx to back up why ds is likely to be say, more disruptive in the middle of the classroom that if they allowed him to sit next to the wall. No diagnosis and you are just a precious pita parent. Diagnosis you are a precious pita parent with the potential to claim disability discrimination. Do you see the difference?

When you get to the dx stage it is nearly always possible to see quite clearly where they are going and halt it. It is also possible to have a dx removed.

The trouble with social communication problems is that children are usually mild when they are young as the difference between them and their peers is small, but the gap widens as they grow and once you have decided you would like that dx, you get to wait a year for referal, then a year of asessment, then a year for intervention, then a year to get a statement due to the fact that it isn't working, then a year to take the LA to tribunal because they have failed to issue one.

Not necessarily, but you see what I mean?

I actually think that the dx did help me to understand J a lot better. Getting the autism dx was a total shock, but reading up on autism helped me understand his (seemingly odd) discrepancies and idiosyncracies much much better. I could see why, for example, he found it necessary to move furniture all the time as I found case studies of similar children.

I think having a SN is having a SN. 99% of children I know (mostly teenagers - am a teacher) have found a dx of a SN/ SEN has helped them to realise why they've found life harder than their peers and it has brought a sense of relief.

Also agree with Star that it helps teachers etc. understand better.

I would definitely agree with the last two comments. My ds has had a dx of ASD in the last year and his school has been very supportive - they were before the dx. However we never know what is around the corner and should he have to move schools or when he goes to high school, I would like people to understand him. I also agree about the differences being more noticeable later. Before his actions could seem immature - now they stand out. In the two years the dx took, I was glad that I didn't let it all go, despite having similar fears job-wise.

TBH it is usualy the case that we ahve to fight to get our dc dx accepted & understood, if you accept a dx & as time goes by you no longer feel it fits your ds then I really don't see how it will harm him if he chooses not to disclose it when older.
Actually if you don't tell him he won't be withholding anything

DO what you think is right for him now & what will give him the best support now.

I suppose a lot depends on whether he is likely to need any sort of extra support at school. as without the DX, it's easier for a child to slip through the system, and for parental concerns to be disregarded as overprotective mother... and great post by r3, thoroughly agree.

My attitude is that everybody gets labelled; it's what we do as human beings- we look around at the other members of the flock and we grade them. You can get labelled "polite" or "hardworking" or "lazy" or "disruptive" or "dyspraxic"- but everybody gets a label.

So it's a question of working out what label your child is likely to get if they do not get the SN label and thinking whether that label is fair.

If your child can fit in without getting a negative label, then fair enough. Or if you are convinced that any negative label, such as "disruptive" or "lazy" has nothing to do with SN, but is simply what your child deserves, then again- fair enough.

But I for one, would not accept that my child got the wrong label because of SN.

As for the perception that it might damage them in higher education, I have yet to see that happen. My own experience, as a university teacher, is that we are only interested in two things: what support we can offer and what work actually gets done. Noone would rate a brilliant piece of work less because it was turned in by a student with an SN label, but if a student with an SN diagnosis was slipping in his or her work, we would be pulling out all stops to try to help.