Your advice greatly appreciated, should I voice concerns about friend's child?

[gloriousday]

I've been umming and aahing about whether to post this but would really appreciate some advice from those who are parents of children with special needs. I've namechanged for this.

A dear friend of mine has a 3 yr old child who seems to me to be showing signs of being on the autistic spectrum. I'm basing this on the fact that he barely engages with anyone other than his parents, does not talk to other adults or children, or play with them. There have also been issues around toilet training (very tough), extreme fussiness with food, sleep problems, preoccupations with specific toys and tv programmes - all of which I know many children experience but taken together with the lack of engagement seem to signal that there could be some problem.

It would be much easier for me to stay quiet about this, think it's not my problem and let time take its course as I know that I could hugely offend my friend by voicing my concerns to her. But I believe I've heard that with difficulties like this it can be very helpful for the child to receive early intervention? Is that right?

The issue is compounded by the fact that they moved abroad a year ago, so are in a new place where I think it may be harder for my friend to be able to make direct comparisons about her son with his peers. And where there are not the services available to parents that there are in the UK. So of course I could just be making life a whole lot harder for her.

Do you think I should just keep quiet, or would it help them for me to mention my concerns?

We have been asked by a few people whether DS1 is on the spectrum and not found it offensive. It is difficult but if you have concerns then they probably do too. Not quite sure of the easiest way to broach the subject though

I wouldn't have realised my DS was on the spectrum if a friend hadn't told me, so I definately think you should mention it - the question is how.

My friend told me 'When I saw your DS playing at lunchtime he reminded me a lot of my nephew who has Aspergers'.

I was upset - but not with my friend. But of course now I'm glad I know and am cross with school for not telling me their suspicions years earlier.

Thing is she may know absolutely nothing about Autism, and so therefore is unable to put the pieces together herself.

Good luck.

I told someone once that ds had just got a dx of autism and she replied that she had known for 8 months that he was very likely on the spectrum but didn't know how to tell me. She said she even went to her disability charity friends and asked them what she should do and they said that she shouldn't say anything as she didn't know me that well.

I am still trying hard not to hate her for that decision. I know she was struggling with it, and I know she was doing what she thought best, but how dare she have deprived my ds from getting help by staying silent when I was driving myself made with trying to figure out why he seemed to be more hard work than anyone elses child.

In terms of support available. The potential to make the biggest impact is always the parents. You learn quick enough that it is pointless to rely on anyone else to deliver.

I wish there had been somebody around when my DD1 was younger who knew about Asperger's Syndrome and had recognised her symptoms. It would have saved her going through years of stress and heartache.

How about something like this

"I've been wondering something for a long time and feel that I really should share it with you. Feel free to ignore what I say but please don't be offended because I really value your friendship and wouldn't want to upset you.

I have notice a few things about xxxx which make me wonder if he may be on the autistic spectrum. I'd be very happy to be proved wrong but I felt I had to say something to you because getting support early could really make a difference for him if he does have it. Obviously you're his mum and know him much better than I do so if you feel that I'm wrong that's fine and I won't mention it again"

Have some information ready like the web address for the National Autistic Society or the ASDfriendly internet forum so she can look up more details if she wants to.

If she is such a good friend then I would probably drop hints or even come out with my suspicions, together with a lot of information for them. However do go gently, because there are parents (obviously not MNetters) who are in denial.
One mother was known to have changed schools with her son when his previous school had dared to mention her son might have problems. When he was finally diagnosed I and another Mum who knew her were both relieved it was finally acknowledged. (We both had experience of children on the spectrum and had spotted the signs, but knew she wouldn't hear us.)

There is another mother I am quite friendly with, but she is in total denial that her DD is on the spectrum. I think it that case it would have been very helpful if school had suggested it years ago, but in the state they are now they would probably consider it a betrayal of friendship to mention. Although actually if I got to know the girl better I might give her some info so she could work it out herself (she is now 16). From an adult I know who wasn't diagnosed until her son was, I would think that knowing why you are different could resolve a lot of heart-ache.

I would just make sure that you are a good friend, and that you have an idea how she might react. Don't force your opinion, after all you can't diagnose. Do have information and support ready when you do broach the subject. Either do it when she is back in the UK or do a bit of a search on what support there is where she is. A friend had both her sons diagnosed when she was in Belgium.

Confession time for me .... I reacted really badly towards the friend who told me she thought DD3 had more of a problem than I would admit to. We are still friends and she was brilliant, but it took a while for me to come around to her way of thinking.
I could not accept that a friend could even think that my "perfect", beautiful daughter was actually "imperfect" in some way. I was furious at her for suggesting it.

Just wanted to warn you, but even if your friend reacts like I did, hang on in there, she will probably need you if she gets a diagnosis and, if she's anyhting like me I went straight back to the friend who had broached the subject with me and she has always been the one person who has understood DD and her difficulties, more than anyone else we know.

Thank you everyone for your helpful advice and taking the time to reply. It sounds like I should say something but choose my moment and words carefully.

PeacefulLiz and mebaasmum, that is helpful to know and confirms to me that I should mention it.

StarOfValkyrie, I can imagine how hard it was for you to hear your friend say that so thoughtlessly. I hope you're now getting the support your son needs.

Al1son your suggestions for how to say it are really helpful.

Mummytime, you're right about mumsnet and RL being very different places. I will go gently and have some advice available.

There was almost the chance the other day to mention it when my friend was talking about her difficulties in dealing with him. I'll try to bring it up in this context. I'm so glad I posted on here. Thanks everyone.

PositiveAttitude, thank you for the warning. That was my fear! I don't want to add to her problems (she has a lot on her plate at the moment besides her son). Was it the way your friend brought it up that made it worse for you? Could she have been more tactful? Or is it just the case that the thought was so unwelcome, however she said it would have been hard to take?

It really is a hard one, but I think I see it like positive. She might be angry at your mention, she might, let's be honest, but risking that anger for the sake of her and her family is what a TRUE friend would do, and then ensuring bridges aren't burnt by her reaction so she can turn to you for support if/when she subsequently needs it.

Hi again Gloriousday, To be honest, I think htat no matter how my friend had told me, I would have reacted the same, but she is a friend who is known for her tactless comments!
However, I was just not aware that there was a problem with DD3 at the time, which sounds really silly now after having 2 other DDs who I perhaps could have compared her with and really SHOULD have noticed. I think I was just not prepared to see what was really in front of my eyes and someone else telling me, just bought my protective feelings out for DD. I cant really describe it, but now I am really grateful for her because her comments, although hard were the starting point for me to accept things were not right.
Also i admit to throwing a fit at the professional who actually dared to give me the final diagnosis, so basically I am a stroppy cow who did not want to accept any bad news!!
Older and wiser now though and use my stroppy determined attitude to fight for everything that DD needs to make her life the best she can have.

Sorry, I digress. I do think you should tell your friend, perhaps just ask her if she has had any professional help in dealing with him? and take the conversation from there.

That's a good idea. Perhaps begin by letting her talk about his behaviour and then ask if she had considered getting him 'checked over' because there could be a little thing that he might be finding some difficulty with in his life that could have a straighforward solution, and that finding out sooner rather than later might be very helpful.

I think that is how MNers tend to respond on threads where someone is raising concerns that 'professionals' are trying to label their child unneccessarily.

I agree with the posts above about letting your friend know of your concerns in the most tactful and concerned way possible.
If your friend reacts badly or angrily it could be because she has noticed something odd herself. She may be pushing it to the back of her mind and not facing up to the problem?
Even if she reacts badly and you lose her friendship (worse case scenario) you have to do what is in the best interests of the child. That way your conscience is clear and the child may get the help he needs sooner rather than later. If he is assessed and found within normal limits it would also put mums mind at rest, I'm sure if you have noticed odd things, she must have too.
It is difficult for you I know.

I think the other thing is to approach it as a potential educational problem, rather than a problem with the child. So not so much "I think your offspring may need a diagnosis because there might be something wrong with them" as "I think your offspring may have traits which will make it v hard when they start school unless they have a diagnosis and a plan to help them already in place".

And it's absolutely the truth - if it's ASD her biggest problem will be getting him into a school that understands/supports him, and that's a LOT easier if you start the school app process with a diagnosis than if you start school without diagnosis and he has to "fail" in the wrong setting before the fight for his education can even begin.

PositiveAttitude, it sounds like your daughter has got a great mum fighting her corner!

StarOfValkyrie, the tactful 'checked over' suggestion is a good one. I certainly don't want to label him in any particular way when I am no expert. r3dh3d I know he has just started at pre-school and is finding it so hard. I get the impression he cries most of the time at being separated from her. As they live abroad though I'm not sure how she will go about getting help/a diagnosis. I'm pretty sure that the children's/health services where they live are limited. Maybe she can get some help here when she comes back for visits, but as they have no UK address I'm not sure how easy that would be, unless they go via her parents' GP? Do you think you can get help/an assessment through private healthcare? I'm pretty sure they must have some sort of private healthcare package through work.

My friend is due to fly back to her home abroad this week. I won't see her then for a few more months. But I will call her before she goes. Do you think this is the sort of thing I could bring up on the phone? Obviously it's not ideal. But once she's abroad it's even harder. And I'm thinking that maybe she could then get some help arranged/appointments set up for her next visit back to the UK...

Tricky one. Even when I had concerns about my DS1 I was v v sensitive to any remarks on it (note I am not saying this is at all logical). In fact, even though I'd asked my HV to refer to Speech and Language Therapy, when the SALT shared my concerns I was totally gutted and scoured the internet for confirmation that my DS1 was NT. I got over it, but it took time.

Perhaps ask how he is doing at the preschool and say in the UK the usual procedure would be a development check up with SALT, paediatriican, hearing test etc and do they have an equivalent where they are? Also worth bearing in mind that the criteria fo a dx of ASD varies greatly country to country so what may be considered ASD in the UK may not elsewhere in the world.

I haven't used private services for my DS1, but I imagine even going privately they would be hard pushed to get an appt at a week's notice though could be wrong. This website has private Speech Therapist's so if the conversation goes o.k. perhaps share it if she does want to get a private SALT report www.helpwithtalking.com/

Good luck, you sound like a sensitive and true friend and I'm sure your friend knows this, but may just need a little time to digest what you say.