DS2 aged 9 has many Asperger's traits but falls just under a full diagnosis (having been assessed 3 times over the yrs). I'm writing on this forum ,as I hope someone recognises this behavious and can advise me.
DS2 is becoming v difficult to live with - rude and grumpy most of the day but absolutely hypermanic in the evenings - when he flits between hysterical giggling during play with his twin brother or tears and angry outbursts if he's not fully in control of the game.
Like a stereotypical teenager - although he's only 9 - he moans and complains eg if we're out on a family trip, he's 'bored'/ 'tired' and all he wants to do is go home and be on his PC.
His current obsession - and he's had many in his life so far - is soap operas - which I've never watched - and he memorises cast lists and episodes and also invents his own soap opera. He also continues to obsess about old series of Dr Who. DS1 and i are v frustrated by his need to go on and on all the time about his latest interest or his difficulty diverging from an interest.
I'm finding that it's actually becoming harder to tolerate his differences and that I'm asking his twin more and more to accomodate DS2's quirks, need to be in control, obsessive behaviours etc. DS1 can also have his moody and rude moments but the difference is that he 'gets' that his behaviour is not OK and is suitably contrite.
DS2 keeps going, way beyond when most neurotypical children would stop - but then becomes exceedingly upset and worried, when he finally sees how annoyed I am. The kind of behaviours include inappropriate talk about sex/ poo etc in a loud voice, in the garden in hearing distance of neighbours, swearing at me, although this also includes phrases he's heard on TV or his PC but also awful, awful language like, "You f*ing bitch!" to me.
On the one hand, I'm constantly pulling him up for his inappropriate behaviour and on the other hand, then feeling v v guilty when he gets obsessively worried and upset and tearful, when I tell him off - especially if I tell him I might tell his school teacher or someone we know what he's said or done. He's extremely good and polite and well-behaved at school and socially. So I'm still unable to be sure whether he's actually Asps or not.
He suffers from episodes of migraine - although I'm slightly unconvinced that this is really the cause of his early morning headaches. His behaviour is worse when he's feeling unwell, when he's tired/ stressed, when his routine is disrupted.
So I suppose my end question is - to what extent to I make allowances for him, given his Asps traits and completely obsessive worrying, when he gets that he's been misbehaved/ inappropriate - and to what extent do I simply treat both twins the same, despite their differences and clamp down harder on the rudeness and moodiness? (PS I'm a single mum)