How do I get DH to be consistent with DS1 (ASD) ?

[ChunkyMonkeysMum]

DS1 is 6.5. ASD dx given at 3.3.
In January of this year he started at a specialist Autism school after a hellish year & a bit at a mainstream school.

DS1's teacher and another teacher did a home visit last week to discuss any concerns we may have & to help us find the best ways of dealing with certain things, i.e meltdowns etc.

DH is a surveyor and is usually home from work around lunchtime, then works from home for the next few hours typing up his surveys. He knew the teachers were coming that day & knew how important this meeting was in helping us, but still chose to sit at the dining room table writing up his work (which could have waited until later on in the day). He didn't really hear much of what was being said although I did fill him in later on that evening.

Basically, the outcome of the meeting was that everybody involved in DS1's life needs to be consistent & work together in managing his meltdowns/indecisiveness etc.

I have just tried my best to deal with a situation that arose this afternoon whereby I warned DS1 that if he threw his toy over the fence (quite a common behaviour issue with him) that he would have to come in from the garden (as I was advised by the teachers). He proceeded to throw the toy, so I brought him inside. This then led to a massive meltdown with lots of screaming & shouting. DH is trying to work in the dining room (yet again - he could go to his workplace office/his mum's or my mum's to work!!), and because he was fed up with all the noise, proceeded to undermine me by telling DS1 that he had had enough, picking him up, taking him to the back door & telling him to get his shoes on and play outside

I am so , firstly because it wouldn't have been too much to ask for him to attend the meeting (they were here almost 2 hours, his work could have waited until they left) but also as I am trying to my hardest yet he will not be consistent. I am hoping for some advice from others who have maybe be in a similar situation or anyone who may have any helpful tips please.

Sorry for the long post.

OH DEAR That must be so so hard I don't have much advice really other than sitting down to talk? Discussing the rules and accepted behaviours/concequces wich would give you a chance to talk about concerns etc and bring up perhaps your DH could work in his study/ at his mums etc if your child is disracting him?

The problem is that DH has no patience whatsoever & frequently loses his temper when DS1 is having a meltdown. DH shouts at DS1 which then makes DS1 worse.

I have tried so many times to talk to DH about this but feel I am getting nowhere. It's so tough as he'll agree with me when he's calm but when DS1 starts, it all seems to go out of the window as DH can't cope with the meltdowns, which in turn, causes such an atmosphere at home with me & DH ending up having words.

He does have both the DS's for quite long periods of time as I work 2 afternoons & 1 full day a week, so as he gets home around lunchtime he has them for 3 afternoons a week, but it worries me about what may be going on when I'm not here!!

I just don't know what else to try. I feel like I'm bashing my head against a brick wall the the mo

But what can I do Starlight? I go on and on about the importance of being consistent and following the same rules, DH agrees with me until the next meltdown, then does what he always does & loses his temper anyway? I just can't seem to get through to him. What I find particularly frustrating is when he undermines me when I'm trying to show consistency, just because the screaming is "getting on his nerves".

Yes, a lot of the time I do come home to chaos. As soon as I pull up on the driveway & get out of the car I can hear DS1 screaming or shouting & think "Here we go again".

I used to work from home and found that I had to work when DS1 was in bed in the evenings. Why can't DH do the same? I'm sure he'd find that his work wouldn't take nearly as long to complete because he wouldn't have the constant interruptions or distractions.

To be perfectly honest, it's getting to the point now where I feel I could do a better job on my own, however, I'm not in a financial position (debts etc in both our names) to be able to do this.

It's because we've got quite a large loan in both our names that I wouldn't be able to afford to pay half of if we split up as I only work part time.

As much as free childcare goes, I also provide free childcare whilst he works!! I have had to fit my job around his (hours etc). The childcare isn't really an issue for the hours I work because my parents agreed to have the kids on those days when I first got the job. Luckily they haven't had to have them too much except for a friday morning as DH is usually home by the time I leave in the afternoons, so that wouldn't be an issue if we split up as I know my parents would have them.

Is there Autism on your husbands side of the family. It sounds as if he may have some traits of aspergers. Doesn't make it any easier for you but it may help understand why he behaves the way he does. Also may help you find ways of dealing with him.

Dh is the same, he never comes to any meetings or appointments and does not know how to handle the dd's. Dh also has AS traits.

Firstly you have my empathy. Exdh has ds2 on a regular basis and seems to be able to undo the good stuff in an instant..( this is where I let you in on the fact that if that man isn't AS I'll eat my hat!).. He can't cope, he yells, is impatient and fills ds's head with his rules.. ( rules aren't normal house rules.. They are racist belittling to me and my dh etc etc)

there seems little we here at home can do about it tbh.. We have tried everything.

My now dh is 'learning' after I told him what ds needs him to do.. He was the typical male ( sorry to men but I can't think of a better way of putting it).
I litterally told him what the advice I'd been given was. ( exdh refuses for dh to attend any meetings as dh doesn't have PR).
if something new crops up.. I ask him what he thinks we could try. Fingers crossed he has become a lot lot better.

What I'm trying to say is that with ex.. Because he is always right.. I haven't a hope in hell.

But with dh who is very NT he just needed me to ask for help and he stepped up to the mark.

"Because he is always right.. I haven't a hope in hell. But with dh who is very NT he just needed me to ask for help and he stepped up to the mark."

Wise words Arsenic I couldn't have put it better.

Thanks for all your messages.

There is no history of Autism on either side of the family, and I'm pretty sure my DH is NT as doesn't fit the criteria of having an ASD (we even both did the Adult Autism Test that was on the embarrassing illnesses website and had very low scores - me 7, him 11 - the score for most with an ASD was 32 or higher). He just doesn't know how to deal with DS1. I think this is mainly because he has never researched the condition & has no experience of it. He did come along to meetings when we were going through the process of getting a dx, but let me do all the research etc.

It is very challenging, I understand that, and I'd be lying if I said there weren't times when I lose my temper, I am human after all, but I want to work together with the school and learn how to handle the meltdowns better. I know that DH does too, he just struggles when he's stressed, trying to work & DS1 is screaming the house down & head butting the wall.

It's a good start if dh wants to help

sounds IMO like your dh needs to learn to go into automatic calm mode when the meltdowns start.. Or actually before they start..
( this is probably the hardest bit.. Being the best you can when your dc is at their worst).
And it is a skill that is learned.
I'm wondering if your dh can see when itscoming.. Or see the triggers of a meltdown before it hits... If he knows when it's coming, he stands a better chance of having the time to step into coping parent mode.

Maybe have a glass of wine together and list known triggers.. And list the statagies to deal with it.
So he has a fighting chance of knowing when to put the work down, breathe and step into coping.. Before he then picks the work back up and continues.

I work from home also and it is doable. I just step out of work mode into mum mode before returning to work mode again.

It might be worth trying.. I found that with dh..when I gave him some control ( I gavehim the pad and pen and asked him to help me come up with the lists and input based in his experience).. Instead of basically moaning at him that he wasn't helping.. It helped all of us a lot. And he recognised that he did intact know a lot of triggers and ways to cope.

It's really stressful, we are not perfect and we sometimes get it wrong. Burst least we are doing it together now.

Arsenic - Thank you so much, that seems like a great idea.

DS1 is staying at my Mum's tomorrow eve as they are taking him to the Natural History Museum on Thursday, so it will hopefully be a calm evening once DS2 is in bed & I will try to get DH to sit down with me and make that list (shouldn't be too hard as our TV is going off for repair tomorrow too so he won't be able to watch anything ).

I'll let you know how it goes.

Thanks again to everyone for your advice.

Hope it works for you, or at least brings you together as a team a bit more.

Keep it chilled out and do update as to how it goes...

Hiya sounds like DH has never fully accepted DS1's condition and is chossing to ignore the problem. He seems to be protesting by his absence and lack of cooperation choosing instead to bury his head in the sand. He may carry a sense of guilt for DS's condition and as long as he continues to think and feel in this way it will prevent him from facing the reality and stop him completing several very important psychological tasks. Firstly feel the pain (losing your son to a lifelong disability is a form of bereavement; secondly accept the reality and finally adapt and reorganise. In my work I find myself faced with this difficulty all of the time. Why not ask your GP to refer you both to your local psychological services but insist you both attend at their venue not at home. Lets know how you get on?

Thanks bobbyla - I think this is exactly what has happened with DH. He didn't really wants to accept DS1's condition to start with and because he hasn't done any research doesn't really know a lot about it. He thinks he does, but he doesn't. Didn't help that his mother refused to believe it at first too and would fill his head with things like "What a load of nonsense, that child is not Autistic, he's a boy, boy's are slower than girls!".

I find that I am a lot more on edge when DH is at home & DS1 kicks off too. TBH with you I think DH could do with a trip to the GP as I have felt for sometime now that he may be depressed. He lost his Dad in November and has never really grieved for him, just did the "manly" thing of picking himself up & getting on with things.

I will try to sit him down to discuss this tonight & will let you know how I get on.

I don't really understand why your DH is choosing to work in the family living space if there are alternatives. (And it seems neither do you!). It is really hard to work with children around, even if they are NT. You would still have the same problem with an NT child - they would still misbehave and you would still have to control their behaviour and their reaction might well be a major tantrum.

To think that it is possible to maintain quiet in a room with children, or that it is a good idea to encourage any behaviour that allows you to have some peace and quiet is nuts. I would never expect to work at the dining room table unless the house were empty or the rest of the family were asleep.

It sounds as though your DH is in denial about your son's autism, but it also sounds as though he has an odd idea of what makes a suitable work place. Do you think he is used to breezing into places where they make accommodations for his surveying, and remains in the same mode when he is working in his home?

I do however agree with Arsenic's suggestions about working with him to solve the problem so that he feels in control.