How much should we try and change our child's behaviour?

[chesgirlNOTgriffins]

My DS has LD and auditory processing disorder. A few weeks ago he was also dx with ASD. He is 7.

Ds is an endearing little soul. He could be described as eccentric

Now we have an dx of ASD quite a lot of his behaviour is beginning to make sense IYSWIM.

My question is, how much of his behaviour/quirks should I let go and how much should I try and steer him towards more acceptable behaviour?

I am aware that lots of MNs have children with far more severe ASD than my DS so I am not spouting the 'you just need to be more strict with him' cobblers.

For e.g. I suspect DS has a bit of a sensory issue. He likes to wear a very tight belt and if he cant he will roll the top of his trousers over. He wants the elastics at the side as tight as possible and he insists on wearing his polo shirt tucked into his trousers (school uniform).

Nothing harmful there. Doesnt cause me any real problems except this makes him look different. His trousers are always too short and his shirt tucked in and done up right to the top makes him look a wee bit nerdy.

Please dont get me wrong. I am not into making my kids into clones and I am very happy for them all to have their own style/ways. But should I try and help him with things like this? He is at a SNS and they are very accepting but we live in a pretty rough part of London and one day he is going to be out there on his own.

I am not talking just about this issue, I mean more generally.

What is the right balance? I dont want to make him anxious, I dont want to force him to conform. But I do think he needs help with learning 'the rules' because he is not going to just get them on his own.

I hope I have put this right. i dont want to come across as some uptight control freak who cant accept her DC's disabilities. Its really not about that.

Would anyone be kind enough to share their ideas/experinces?

Thanks.

snap. am going through similar issues with DS, 6. DS has a degree of language delay, and possibly undiagnosed ASD. DH and I are also on the ahem socially awkward side as well, to make matters even better for the poor lad!

From my own childhood, I often felt a disappointment to my mum - as despite being v. successful academically I was plain and spectacularly unpopular at school. So that gives me a starting point that any guidance must be given as subtly as possible - DS has to feel I am his number one fan. In general - I want the house and car to be absolutely safe places for DS - so if he wants to spin/shriek/make silly noises I try and ignore as much as possible. Outside the house it's a more difficult balancing act.

Phew - not just me then

DS's behaviour is ok. He tends to be very sulky and negative but doesnt flap or spin etc. So I dont have to worry about that.

He will talk about Dr Who all the time if allowed though. I do pull him up on that because he cant learn or interact if he is blapping on about Dr Who 24/7. So if I need to remind him about this, is it ok to gently disuade him from doing his buttons right up and hoisting his trousers up to his earholes?

Where is the line? When is helping him to function in the real world and when is it imposing my ideals on to him?

i wonder if you could make something tight fitting and stretchy that he could wear under his clothes that would give him that same sense of security without his clothes looking noticeably different on the outside?

i always miss those big tummy hugging bands from maternity trousers when i'm not pregnant - i wonder if there is a smaller equivalent for your ds?!

Thats not a bad idea Robin. I think he would like that.

He used to walk around holding his trousers up with one hand so I suppose he has moved on a bit

I think it's a completely personal decision based on the child and the parents' assessment of what is possible for the child to learn (to change). I am not sure if it is even related to severity. My brother who is HFA has behaviour that is totally impervious to change whereas DS1 who is more Middle FA (just made that up) is relatively easy to change. I try to teach as much socially appropriate behaviour as possible. I was told at time of dx to 'mildly force' any issue that might impact on his future life.

I dont think there is any harm in trying to replace an old behaviour with a new more acceptable one. I have done this with all my kids, including my 2 older boys who do not have SN's.

Very good suggestion about something tight under his trousers, perhaps some cycling shorts or the tight fighting Lycra pants.

Ds goes on his long rambling speeches, where he talks at you, rather than to you. We play games, set a timer and ask each other questions. Read books where we both get to choose what we like. Trying to help him with what makes an interesting two way conversation!

I don't think that we will ever change ds2s quirkyness ( is that a word).. And tbh it makes him who he is.. My little man who I love dearly... And who IMO is just pefect how he is.

However having said that.. We do try and teach him more socially acceptable behaviour or little things he can do to be able to fit in and not be teased etc so much.

So we teach him that it's more acceptable to fidget with a pen etc rather than bounce/ spin or flap in public.
We work on conversation turn taking. To look towards people ( even if it's their forehead, eyebrows or mouth ) when they are talking.. He's practising doing what wecall the face triangle... So he can look as if he is listening without having to give so much eye contact.

Also working on not jumping in and announcing people are wrong in a big loud bossy voice, when they break his black and White rules.

Oh and we are teaching daft sayings and what people really mean. ( " why the long face" etc)

it's an on going project.. Which we make games out of.. But hopefully although it won't change him as a person.. Hopefully he will come across as more average and school and social issues might be a bit easier for him...
At the end of the day he will have to fit into a society that is mostly NT .

I think I'm trying to say.. Enough to boarder on slightly less quirky.. But not enough to change him as an individual person.. Just to make his life easier.

My thoughts have always been I will intervene when the behaviour is dangerous, seriously anti social and/or draws negative attention their way.
I do though choose my battles carefully because having too many only makes them good at battling.
So for ds I sorted out the throwing everything at my head,spitting, trying to claw my eyes and weeing on the beds but made no attempts to stop the flapping, clapping, humming and pacing.

It does get better, or at least it has for us. DS can actually have a decent conversation now (he is 15) but when he was 12 he was still going on and on about cars.(He has had a lot of Social Skills work at school).
He has learnt to shriek at home, but not when he is out, and to make his loud car and ambulance noises at home but not at school. We just ignore those things even though they seem strange at his age, because it is a way of letting out the tensions that have built up during the school day.
Your DS may well grow out of some of his behaviour,or replace it with others as he grows older.