(I have also posted this in the behaviour/development section)
DD (who was four in March and is our only child) has been in school full-time since September and has been causing her teachers some concerns. This has resulted in a discussion with the SENCO about 'ASD traits', which has come as something of a shock to us. We don't know how best to interpret her behaviour and are worried that she will get categorised as requiring ASD interventions when these may not be appropriate.
In short, DD has always been a very shy girl, particularly around adult strangers. She would 'turn to stone' and look away when adults spoke to her, although she will talk to adult acquaintances once she is 'warmed up' and feels a little more comfortable. She is typically the same with teachers - often not responding to their questions or offers of help - although again she will talk to them when she doesn't feel under pressure. She is a very talkative and demonstrative little girl at home.
She has always been better with other children, although she has never been good at sharing and would often as a toddler see other children as competitors at the playground, etc. Other times she would happily play with other children if she felt comfortable with the situation. She has certainly always loved playing with others and becomes sad when she feels too anxious to join in. When playing with others she has huge fun, laughing and shrieking - she doesn't prefer being alone. Although she can easily tell when others are cross or happy - she is very senstive to this - she's not very good at being kind or showing sympathy.
This anxiety about joining in with groups of children has certainly got worse at school, partly I think because she is in the lower year of an integrated two-year group (many of whom already had friendship groups) but also because there is a very unstructured approach of learning through play. She has a few friends/playmates but has quite an intense/dependent relationship with one of them (quarrels and "I'm not your friend anymore" situations). She is happy talking and playing with children she knows outside school when we visit them but is much more reluctant at school. When she does join in with new children, she often still 'plays alongside' - at least at first - rather than engage more fully like they do.
Her vocabulary is very good and she can already read simple word books. She loves imaginative play and telling us made-up stories. She paints very imaginative pictures with very imaginative titles.
I think the teachers are also worried about her 'rigid thinking'. She is certainly very stubborn and can protest when she is told-off or when we correct her reading, telling us that she is right and we are wrong. But she also understands, eventually, when we explain things to her and can tell us why she is being told off. Although she liked some repetitive activities when a toddler - fetching and carrying books one at a time, putting socks in drawers (not the right ones!) - she isn't at all focussed around this type of play and doesn't seem to display 'repetitive behaviours' as such. She doesn't get preoccupied with things (perhaps aparty from princesses, fairies and pink things, but I guess that's fairly standard smile)
She has always coped pretty well with change. Although she settled well into routines when small, she doesn't really mind whatever we do together now. Not having a bath, going to school differently, changes in mealtimes, long journeys to new places to sleep, etc - none of these things bother her in the slightest (she even welcomes many such changes). Although she is sensitive in many ways - doesn't like feeling ashamed or told off at all, quite limited in her food choices - in other ways she isn't. She never really complains when she bumps herself, is too hot or cold, or is wearing uncomfortable clothing.
We've always known that she is socially anxious ('shy') and quite stubborn, but have never thought she showed the other characteristics of ASD. Both of us as parents were shy children and still feel anxious in informal social situations (but much better in formal ones - for instance, I would be happy to deliver a lecture to a large audience but would avoid a cocktail party full of the same people like the plague). We are happy if she gets some more structure/formality in her day to stop her feeling progressively more withdrawn. It would also be good for teachers not to tell her she is shy and allow her to use this as a kind of excuse for avoiding communnication with adults.
From looking at ASD traits on the web I read that ?All children with ASD demonstrate deficits in 1) social interaction, 2) verbal and nonverbal communication, and 3) repetitive behaviors or interests. In addition, they will often have unusual responses to sensory experiences, such as certain sounds or the way objects look". Out of this list, DD is certainly having trouble with social interaction, but this seems to me to be due to anxiety rather than any lack of interest in people. I can't see any sign of the other two deficits - her oral and written language is good and she is not especially repetitive.
But we're now worried that we might be missing the big picture here. Can anyone help with views or advice please? Sorry this was so long.