Honest opinions needed re: childcare/work and SEN

[AndieWalsh]

I've posted extensively, maundering on about my DS and our issues as a family, so apologies to those who know my situation - but for those who don't, in a nutshell:

I have a 5 yr old DS with Asperger's. I also have a 1 yr old DD. DS is in reception year at school, on School Action + and LEA currently doing a SA (looks like we have a good chance of getting a statement, although what is proposed in that statement and whether it is any good is another matter...). DS's behaviour at nursery/school has always been challenging, but it is becoming increasingly violent and dangerous (he is attacking staff on a daily basis and is now trying to escape from the school most days, too). He has been excluded five times this term (for a day at a time) and it is inevitable that he will be excluded again.

DH is self employed and I am currently a full time student (half way through a masters degree). Because we have some flexibility in our working hours, we have both been able to duck and dive a lot in the last few months - we've had to be flexible, basically, as we have had dozens of appointments to attend at the school / LEA / with professionals involved in assessing DS, plus the exclusions and just generally having to be there to calm DS down after school, when he is usually pretty wired.

Our childcare situation for the past year or so has consisted of a part-time nanny 3 days a week and my mum 2 days a week, although either me or DH (or both) have been around a lot, too, to provide some stability and calm for our DS.

The situation is now coming to a bit of a head. DS's behaviour is getting more and more oppositional when he is with anyone but me or DH. Our nanny is lovely, and very understanding, but I can see that she is really struggling with DS's behaviour. I am not sure if the situation is working anymore. However, to give her up would mean i would have to give up my Masters .

I am so torn. My DS seems to be needing me more and more. Should I just sack off my Masters for the time being and dedicate my energies to supporting my son? It is an extremely demanding course and I have got through this year by the very skin of my teeth. It gets much harder next year, and if DS's behaviour / situation at school doesn't improve, there is no way I will be able to keep up with the pace of the course and support my son properly. Or is that crazy talk? Maybe I should just battle on with the situation? What would you do?

I feel so very, very torn at the moment.

Would having a Masters enable your family to be more flexible in the future?

Would it be possible for you to switch to a different course that would give you more flexibility now? (Does the work you have done so far give you any credits?)

"It gets much harder next year, and if DS's behaviour / situation at school doesn't improve, there is no way I will be able to keep up with the pace of the course and support my son properly."

Is there a possibility that the situation at school could improve, e.g. if your DS had more support?

Thanks for your reply, merrymouse.

In theory, my Masters would qualify me to work in a line of work that is mostly public sector, so there is a greater possibility that I could get a job with flexi hours / job share / P/T etc. This is one of the major reasons I chose the course (it is similar to social work, not quite the same line of work, but in that ballpark - sorry to be so mysterious, just trying not to out myself!).

The course doesn't really have transferable credits, although there is a chance that having done the first year, I could still be considered for jobs that require the full training, and complete the rest of the course as work-based learning. So, i suppose what I am saying is that jacking in the Masters wouldn't mean a completely wasted year, but would mean it would take a lot longer to get the qualification and that i would have to find a job willing to take me on and train me.

There is a possibility that things will get better with DS, but if I am totally honest, I think next year is going to be quite tough for him, as it is a major transition year (into Yr 1) and it is looking highly unlikely that the LEA are going to fund the sort of support he needs without a fight.

Hi

I really sympathise as I'm trying to finish a PhD which has taken YEARS and I end up using my study time for a variety of DS related reasons - appointments ,school meetings etc.

I would let your tutors know what is going on and ask that you be cut a bit of slack.

I think it will be very hard for you but that if you have come this far, it must be really important to you and that you may feel you need the course to keep a sense of your own identity to be able to get through this. That is how I feel!

Thanks debs40.

The 'sense of identity' thing rings very true for me, too, yes.

In fairness, my tutors have been fabulous this term. I just don't think i will realistically be able to pass the course with this amount of disruption going on in my life next semester

My other issue is that I have a sixth sense that our nanny is going to walk. This would leave me with the dilemma of whether or not to find a new nanny (more upheaval for DS) or what...?

I think you need to talk to them very openly about it and what they can do to accomodate you.

I have just tried to have that conversation with my Uni after they increased my fees for not completing my writing up within 12 months.

The Equality Act should bring with it a provision on 'associated disability' which means that reasonable adjustments will need to be made for people in our position (i.e. carers of disabled children). Keep the spirit of that provision in your mind.

You have a right to try and finish this course and you need to see whether reasonable adjustments can be made to help you do it.

Speak to your nanny openly about the problem too. Maybe she can be encouraged to be honest about how she is fidning it and what can be done to help support her too.

My husband works blardy miles away so I have the kids all the time - 8-7 every day. DS2 is in nursery three part days a week but cries about going. It's a nightmare trying to get anything done. I really sympathise. CAT me if it helps

Thanks debs40.

Term ends next week, so I think I will have a frank chat with my course leader before then and see what can be worked out.

I really do want to try to finish this course.

x

The only thing that works for ds2 is consistency, when we had for example his nan picking him up Monday, me on tuesday, cminder & then on to his nanas on a wed, it was just too many changes for him to cope with.
Until I changed my hours to enable me to work school hours we had to have him collected by the same person every day. It meant we paid more for childcare but the consistent approach really worked & we saw a huge drop in his anxiety levels - He knew what to expect.
I was lucky after several failed attempts I found a fantastic child minder who just "got" ds2.

It was a difficult period & now both ds's are at f/time school I am so pleased we muddled through. Both financially & for my own sanity staying in work was worth it.

I really feel for you. I think debs40 has offered some great advice.

In reality, I think you have more flexibility to be there when you're needed as a student rather than an employee, and I'm assuming you will need to make the transition to employee at some stage?

I don't have any concrete advice to offer I'm afraid, but I do sympathise. I need to do 1 semester to finish my degree (just ba hons though) and I'm in a quandry about how to fit that around ds!

Good luck

Are there other schools you could look at either specialist or dual mainstream / specialist or private options eg ABA. Not nec forever but until you can get a handle on the behaviour issues and finish your course?

We do ABA and intend for DS to do part time ABA at home and ABA support at school (tribunal permitting) as we think this is the only way mainstream will work for DS (he doesn't have behaviour problems but very passive / shut off).

Could your DH work at home while say an ABA tutor came to house or pay for ABA supervisor to put some training into school? Perhaps consider part-time school / ABA or fulltime school but with ABA support? Alot of the problems stem from mainstream TA's not really having the expertise to deal with ASD / behaviour problems. The nanny money might be better spent on getting some private expert input to try and head off the behaviour issues - of course this should be free but in my experience quality of LA support rarely good enough. There might be autism outreach teachers who will come in and try and train up the staff to deal with behaviours but depends on the quality of the individual outreach teachers whether this is worthwhile or not. If ABA can be shown to be effective you can then ask for it on Statement.

ABA has allowed us to keep some work going but it has been tough at times.

Thanks for further replies. Really appreciated.

Agnes, as far as we are aware there is no specialist provision anywhere near us that would be suitable for DS. The special schools all seem to cater for low functioning ASD / profound learning difficulties (DS is very high functioning). There are very few Asperger's children in special schools near us, and the Ed Psych told us 'off record' that she thought we should fight for support in mainstream, as if we get it right in primary school she has great faith that he will be able to cope with mainstream secondary school 9albeit perhaps a small, academically-focussed one).

We are looking into two mainstream schools with ASD units attached, but again, I am not convinced they are appropriate

How did you know ABA would be suitable for your DS? I have read up a bit on it and just have no idea whether it is appropriate or not. I have heard anecdotally that our LEA has never funded ABA training, but I am prepared to fight them on this (with solicitors!) if I think it is needed.

The LEAare sending in a very highly thought of specialist teacher to deliver training to all staff at DS's school, and they have sent his class teacher and TA on a couple of days training on working with children on the spectrum, but to be honest, this just isn't enough. He needs a specialist SEN LSA, not a TA with a couple of days training.