Explaining special needs to my NT child

[Poledra]

DD1 (6 yo) has joined a new gymnastics class, There's a girl there whose mother I spoke to once before last year at the gym. She told me about her child having a global developmental delay (her daughter was cooing over my DD3 who was a baby and her mother was being very careful that she didn't accidentally hurt DD3).

Anyway, DD1 told me tonight about this girl, and how she was much older than DD1 but was scared to do things that DD1 would do. I started to explain that she had a developmental delay and that she would be slower to learn things and so on. DH interrupted me 'Poledra, you're making things too complicated!' And he then told DD1 that some people are more cautious than others, and that this girl was just more cautious than her and that was it.

What should we have done? I want DD1 to understand about children with special needs, but was I being too detailed for a child her age?

Thanks for your help.

Tend to agree with your DH. Leave it at that for now and when your DD asks further questions, which she probably will, you can trickle further information into her slowly.

To go into detailed info about this other girl you will highlight differences between them instead of letting her get to know her as an individual and recognise their similarities instead.

hmm, don't know really. a lot depends on your dd's understanding of these things.

FWIW, we have started to explain to dd2 (3 yo) that dd1 needs more help with things, or doesn't understand, etc. dd1 is 5, and ASD, with a severe language delay. We have to keep it very simple, because of dd2's age, and stick very much to the "everyone is different" line, and try to also give an example where dd1 outperforms dd2 (but then we are trying to balance family dynamics, and teach dd2 to have patience with her older sister!)

I don't think you were wrong in trying to point out that some people take longer to learn things - "cautious" doesn't quite cover it, imo.

I agree with silverfrog.. your average 6 year old is quite perceptive and your DD has obviously noticed that the other child isn't doing quite the same things as she is, so I don't think it's harmful to have a simple explanation..even if it's along the lines of 'some people learn how to do XYZ when they are 6 like you but some people learn to do XYZ later' perhaps backed up with 'I learned to ride a bike when I was 6 but Daddy was 10' or whatever.
I think as long as the message is 'it's ok to be different' then helping DD to accept that people CAN be very different is a very positive thing.
My elder three children are NT and they were thrown into the world of disabled children after their brother as born and they very quickly accepted that 'X can't talk but loves having stories read to her' or 'Y's legs don't work but he is brilliant at moving his wheelchair'..
Keeping it simple, positive, but honest really helps developed my own children's sense of difference being fine, if that makes any sense

Thanks for the replies, all. She is quite a perceptive child, and quite mature for her age (as I find eldest children often are). I'll think about what you've said, and hopefully I'll be more ready to discuss it with her next time.

TBH, without wishing to sound superior to him in any way, DH can be inclined to 'dumb down' when talking to the DDs, while I want to try and answer them honestly and factually without overloading them. I think he was slightly when I explained to DD1 that DD3 would make her entrance into the world through my vagina.

I think your dh is wrong actually. Being cautious is different from having developmental delay and if your dd senses that, and senses that your dh is trying to cover something up, then that could well set her up for being uncomfortable around people with special needs.

Not to mention that children often judge other children who are cautious; there is a fine line between being cautious and being a scaredy cat. My ds has an invisible disability: I have asked for all his friends to be told so they don't think he is choosing to hold back from things he can't do.

And 6 is well old enough to learn about disabilities. Lots of children have obviously disabled friends: it makes life easier later on if they learn to cope with the idea.

I was uneasy around people with SN for a long time, because I'd never really met any, and it wasn't really talked about; I've noticed that dcs' friends don't have any such hang-ups.

I think your explanation sounds spot on.

I say ds1 finds it difficult to......

his younger brothers have known from as soon as they could talk that he has autism so he finds it difficult to talk/behave/sit down/eat/keep quiet/be safe around roads/ etc etc. They understood 'finds it difficult to' or 'doesn't understand' from early on. Doesn't understand might not be appropriate for this girl but I would keep it simple but accurate. Cautious isn't really simple.

I remember 2 year old ds3 telling people off when they corrected ds1 'leave him alone he doesn't understand he's autistic'.

My DS has global dev delay and when children ask me questions what I say now is "DS needs more time to learn to xxx" He goes to a MS school and the kids (reception) clearly understand that he has learning difficulties. They all accept it and are very sweet with him (well most of them)

I go with the whole...everyone finds things easy or difficult in different ways.
DD and her friends quite enjoy this approach and we often have quite nice chats about how great it feels when you can do something well, how lousy if feels we you find something really really hard - and how the very best thing in the world is when you are finally able to do something that you found really difficult.

I always fess up to the simple things that I find difficult and the girls enjoy joining in.

It is easy for me with DS2 and he cannot get hurt feelings over these conversations as he cannot understand. If a child has SN and understands people are querying their abilities you have to be extra kind.

Poledra - whilst I agree with the keeping it simple approach, I have to disagree with your DH.
Telling children early on in terms that they can understand encourages openess and a matter of fact attitude to the fact that SNs are just differences in learning and ability.
Kids have a huge antenea for what is not being said and couching these things in euphemisms and being wafty will just make this stuff feel secret/shameful or awkward.
IYSWIM

Thanks all for your help. I will keep going with my approach to things then, which is with the simple, understandable but also accurate information. I really want to give her the open and matter-of-fact approach to SNs that Pag is describing.

She does know a boy her age who is autistic, to such a degree that he does not go to MS school, and she has never asked anything about him - he just is who he is. That is how I would like her to be about SNs/disabilities in anyone.

DS2 who is NT and 3 has started asking questions about cartoon characters like 'Is Pingu going to learn to talk?' 'Can Jerry talk ?' Also if we are going to meet a new person, he will ask if they can walk and talk. His brother has limited language and he knows a child in his nursery class who is not walking yet due to GDD. It's all very normal now but I don't know what will happen when he gets older but it seems like you are doing a great job with your dd.

As an SEN teacher, I'm a great believer in honesty being the best policy (with as little jargon as possible). I think you were right to be honest with your child. If they're old enough to ask, then why complicate the issue even further. When my kids started asking why the kids I taught were 'different' or 'looked funny' (sorry - but kids will be honest!) I would tell them as best I could, and with autism, had to explain that 'we don't really know why they are how they are, but there are as many different types of people with autism as there are of every other type of person. Some of the kids with autism that I teach love hugs (when it suits)contrary to the stereotype. Some hate wet food, some like watches etc..... it's important to emphasise that not everything about the child is down to their label. Some kids are little
'soandsos' and would be even if they didn't have the label, so it's also worth pointing out that because they're different doesn't mean treating them with kid gloves or letting them get away with murder if they understand how they should behave (sorry). They are children first, disablilty second.

I disagree with your DH too.

I am upfront with my kids and like MrsT, I tend to use the phrase 'finds it difficult to...' or 'doesn't understand how to...' and remind them that people find some things easy and somethings difficult and use examples fromtheir own personal experiences (eg remember that I am good at doing quick maths in my head but dreadful at remembering where i put my keys/phone/ at playing squash/swimming etc)

6 is old enough imo. ds2 is 5 and we had a similar conversation teh other day

I agree with the honest approach too.

Tbh I think it's especially important with disabilities such as autism or other LD's where the disability is not immediately obvious as it is with a physical disability.

One of the children in ds' class has autism, and his behavior can sometimes be challenging. I have explained to ds that while he is obviously responsible for the way he behaves, x finds it difficult sometimes. As they have got older the differences have become more apparent, and ds is more accepting of this because he has always known that this child struggles with things that others don't necessarily iyswim.