Hi Yanny, Amber, Pouffe, Al1son, Marne, Angrywasp, Aphil, Justabout, and all others who offered support - thanxs got dx, now onto the next steps!

[MelJLincs]

Hi All

Just wanted to say another big thanks for all your help over the weekend - and sorry if I have missed anyone. I was able to be so much more confident and focused thanks to all your great advice, and today got a dx from Paed of HSF. We will now get, we are told, a report for school recommending a visit from Autism advisor - the report to come to us for approval first. A course from National Autistic Society, a follow-up appt. for DD2 with paed to assess her need for specialist psych. All sounds good as a first step. Will learn lesson from last time round and ring, ring, ring until have got all reports, appts. I know this is just first step, but feel pleased anyway.

Now, getting more specific, Amber, or anyone else. DD2 is fairly fixated on boys things - clothes, toys, interests etc. TBh complete gender confusion ATM, which paed said is not uncommon - main reason why poss. psych referral. Well one thing I forgot to talk about was, she currently has very cute bunches (well I think so , but she def. does not!). She wants, quote a "boys haircut". Which TBH would make hairwash, brush, etc. easier, and it is a nightmare as she can't abide her head being touched. But she/I am worried she will not like new style. She does not know what she wants. I have trimmed her hair (with great difficulty) for years since home hairdresser stopped and had babies (how dare she! ). I admit I am at a loss how to handle this, but she is getting more and more agitated about it and I don't know when I am going to get the course that will teach me how to be a new ASD parent . Has anyone been through this - any advice, please?! (I have every faith in you all - you have been so wise so far!)

Oh, forgot to say. She is very worried about what hairstyle to pick, whether she will like it (and we couldn't exactly stick it back on if she doesn't) and hardest of all, although she wants to "look like a boy", she is also very worried she will be mistaken for one going into the girls toilets! I think basically she has realised her interests are unusual. She thinks that they are more like boys interests than girls. Therefore she is currently angry as she thinks it would be easier to be a boy than a girl (but would really be an unusual boy as well as an unusual girl!) - paed agreed and that she needs help with this. But could be 2-3 months before we begin to get that help, and frankly I am a bit lost/out of my depth in the meantime . Thanxs

Hi Mel good news about the dx - at least you are starting to get some help now. Can't offer any advice about gender confusion unfortunately but maybe suggest she has hair cut just a bit shorter as these days lots of boys have longer hair anyway. Sure someone will be along later with more advice for you.

ds3 wanted to wear girls clothes until he was about 5. Had massive meltdowns in woolies and other shops when I wouldn't buy the princess costumes etc.
I did though buy him a few things he craved that made his older brothers cringe over but I figured were not or should not in my opinion be gender stereotypical. Eg dolls house, posters of sleeping beauty etc.
In the end I made him a promise that I would buy him all the things he wanted which we thought were inappropriate. He made me keep a list. The promise was that if he still wanted them when he was 18 I would definitely buy them for him.
As he had no concept of time, it worked and now some 6 years on he is horrified at the thought and gets really cross if anyone mentions it. He still has his doll though he never plays with it. I had no problems buying it. He called it Lucy and even took it into school for show and tell!

Hi Mel,

That's great news!

I'm really glad you got them to listen.

Just one question - what is HSF? I thought I knew all the autism acronyms but I'm quite new to all this so I don't recognise this one.

Not sure what I'd do about the hair other than suggest that she works up to it slowly. have it cut like a boy with long hair would have - I often can't tell the difference anyway. My DD2 like to dress like a 'tomboy' and I think she's experimenting to try to find a persona which fits in socially. Sadly something I don't think she's going to achieve very easily.

Hi,
So glad you managed to get a dx.

Dd1 is very boy like but the one thing i have kept girly is her hair (i do trim it but she wears bunches to school), she plays with the boys, prefers boys games (power rangers, vampires etc) and mainly plays with boys toys. I wanted to be a boy until i was about 15 years old .

oooo now then, as someone on the autism spectrum whose interests are horribly male and whose brain thinks it's a boy (which is very rude of it really), I gradually became more feminine in the way I am. Some of us don't, though. At least with hair it grows back, so if she understands the timescale for it to do that, she can make a decision of a sort on whether she wants it a certain length (er, assuming she can understand timescales - I was useless at them for years).

I actually wonder whether the desire to have a shorter haircut is because of the extreme sensitivity around her head? Bunches hurt me like hell. I used to put up with it because I was in so much sensory pain from everything else that it was just one more to go with the rest, but it was a huge relief not to have to put my hair up again.

A soft material hairband, gently applied, was feminine and at the same time non-hurty. Might be an idea?

Hi All I seem to have invented a new non-existent dx. I don't know where the HSF came from - meant HFA! I blame being in a slightly weird state of mind yesterday. I have been gearing myself up, thinking it would all take ages and had no idea the paed would dx like that yesterday and kick off other things. I thought I would have to do a lot of convincing - I think because school and friends have been so disbelieving. It was a mixture of relief but then a shock as well - it is real then (I think a part of me still thought we might just be rubbish parents).

Eatyourveg. I think I am already too late for your approach, we have already been letting her dress like this for a while oops. I She has always certain colours and types of clothes, I think a lot is to do with the colour and feel - darker colours and less fitted, looser. Girls clothes are often so extremely pink and fussy. We resisted buying her boys clothes for ages and tried to find less girly clothes, but she would always be looking in the boys section. In the end felt that if that was how she felt comfortable why not. However her desire for everything boys seems to have become a bit obsessive? And she is now saying she wishes she was a boy. I think she feels it would be easier if she was and she would not feel so different. I am now wondering if we should have kept encouraging her to wear some girls clothes so she would not stand out as much and whether we have allowed an obsession to develop without realising it? Hoping she will get some help with this, as she does seem to be getting upset about it all and I am feeling really unsure about it. Waiting for books to come - and hoping the course will be helpful.

Amber, she insists on the bunches because she hates any hair on the back of her neck. But it is a trauma to do it every day. I have a very soft brush, but she still cries. I hadn't thought that the bunches might keep hurting after we have done them. I think the hairstyle is part of a kind of need for everything to match - i.e. boys clothes so boys hair. I think we either need hair you can tie up, or very short hair so it is not on her neck.

Time is an issue for her. Good point tho, could try marking it out on a calendar (altho she will prob. then expect it to grow back exactly the same on that exact day!). Will keep workin on it - so much to learn and so hard to work out what she is thinking.

BTW I don't mind her wanting to be boy-like but I mind her being angry and confused about it.

I can't help but agree with her about the clothes - the trouble with skirts and dresses is that they flap about and it ends up hurting my skin every time they do so. Plus there are tight bits and often rough bits.
Trousers are at least consistently 'pressured' on the legs, which is a lot better, and tend not to dig in anywhere.

Hair can be put up into a soft material band to keep it away from neck/forehead/ears or other sensitive skin, and they tend to be more 'moveable' than elasticated bands or hard clips etc. Something like velvet is feminine and also very lovely to touch for some of us, so that can be a 'selling point'. Might be worth getting her into an accessories shop in a quiet moment (rather than mad shoppers rush-hour) and seeing if she can touch and sense a few options and see if her skin will tolerate them ok.

As for her getting upset about her gendered interests and choices, I think many of us work well with a set of rules that say there are different sorts of girls/clothing types and different sorts of boys/clothing types and that it's all OK. Finding the right way to explain this to her may take time, especially as she's young. Don't despair!