Tantrums in non-verbal 4yo with severe delay

[litdog]

I wonder if any of you can offer any advice - I feel at the end of my tether.

My DD (4 1/2) has severe global delay because of a rare chromosome disorder. She is sweet and loving but has been getting naughtier and naughtier until now we are at the stage where she will just run off into another room screaming and crying even if you haven't done anything. If you even look at her little brother (who she adores - he is 2 and has no probs) she will run away crying, and she is doing it more and more and more. I worry what the neighbours think with all this screaming and it makes life hell - she won't let us sit down for a minute and we have to give her all our attention.

It makes me argue with DH which I hate as we love each other so much and both try really hard with her. And it makes life stressful for all of us.

To cap it all, I am having another baby in a month. I wonder if this is why DD has suddenly ramped it up?

I just don't know what to do or how to handle her. She's on a long waiting list to see a clinical psychologist - does anyone know any good ones in London?

I'm knackered and stressed and desperate for advice. Thank you in advance x

Bump - can anyone help ion the tantrum front please? Any advice?

My almost 4 year old has never tantrummed much, but my 6 year old has extreme meltdowns on a regular basis. Kids can be so different in their meltdown style, but what I find we have to do with DS1 is, so long as he is safe and not likely to hurt anyone or break anything, to be as po faced as possible and try not to feed into it. If he wants hugs and attention afterwards, he can have them and tends to need them because he is so worn out), but the screaming/ranting/kicking things doesn't get to happen anywhere near us.

Does your DD understand about the baby coming?

I agree that you ignore a tantrum if you think it's just for attention. But it is not always easy to do, and I must admit I quite regularly tell my boy off in very stern terms on the lines of "what on earth makes you think your tantrums are going to govern my day?". He doesn't understand the words, but he gets the meaning - and if you follow it up with ignoring, then the behaviour doesn't get rewarded (and therefore, in theory, doesn't get repeated as the kid sees it's ineffective). The other thing to do is give a replacement behaviour - eg pointing or showing you what she wants (only works if what she wants is achievable). When my boy would headbang to get attention (though never hard) I would put him in another room and say "there you go, headbang all you like out there", then I would shut the door on him. It stopped almost immediately once there was no audience. But some tantrums are just about sheer protest/aggression, and the ignoring doesn't always work. That's where I think plain old-fashioned telling off and drawing up boundaries can help, but I hesitate to give advice as every child is so different - my boy is ASD. My one rule of thumb though is that if he's behaving badly, I don't treat him differently than my other child, just because he's autistic. Good luck!

Yeah, we're quite stern with DS1 and tell him quite plainly that we don't want to see or hear him until he can talk to us nicely. Of course he counters with "I can talk nicely now." before immediately launching back into his rant about how xyz is rubbish/ is cancelled/is broken and needs throwing away. We can't even begin to have such a conversation with DS2, but since his MO is usually kicking the living daylights out of us or slapping us silly, either in anger or because he enjoys the reaction, we tell him no, it hurts and get up and walk away. Unlike DS1, who broods for ages, he seems to forget about it very quickly.

I think the big difference between the two boys is that, even without language, DS2 is more adept at making his needs known compared with DS1 at the same age.

Hi Litdog, I have DD who is 5 and non-verbal with GDD.
Can I ask how you and your DD communicate? Does she use sign? PECS?
My DD's meltdowns have calmed down massively since we implemented a series of communication strategies. It started with giving her loads of choices eg jam or marmite (on toast), so she could point. Now she signs mainly but the choices have helped mainly in tempering the tantrums.

Dear All,

I just wrote a long reply but because I don't understand how this laptop works it has disappeared so am starting again. So if it posts itself twice, that's why!

Firstly thank you all so much for your replies. I can't tell you how much better it makes me feel to read them and know 1) I am not alone, and 2) that I am not missing some brilliant trick or tactic.

Glad to know the rest of you are doing largely similar stuff eg ignoring plus explaining that you don't like this behaviour. And quite right, sickofsocalledexperts (love the name btw!), I should treat her like any other naughty child. VG point.

cktwo - we tried PECS but she didn't take to it so now we have started using Makaton which she loves. We're only just starting so use about 5 or 6 signs (well, we use more but that's how many she uses at the moment) but I really hope that will be the answer in the end. I like your point about choices too - vg idea, and we do it a bit but maybe I should do more. She loves dragging us over and pointing at what she wants, so she WANTS to communicate, but it seems the link between brain and mouth just isn't there at the moment.

Thing is, there are some really random tantrums - eg this morning she signed that she wanted the potty, so I put her on it and she immediately got off, threw herself on the floor and started crying. WTF was THAT all about?! Sometimes you have to laugh, but mostly I find it really super-stressful as I'm DESPERATE to help her, and to make life nicer for all of us, esp for her very kind little brother.

Thank you all so much for your replies. Really really appreciate them and will tell DH too.

x

I know its really frustrating, especially when you don't know why they are stropping. Your story does echo our lives two years ago. DD didn't really get PECS then, she doesn't eally use them at home now but uses them effectively at school.

As DD's communicatin improved her random tantrums also got better. Stick in there with the Makaton. DD learnt loads from Something Special (as did I!!). And the choices thing is really really simple to do and so effective.... food, toys, drinks, videos etc. Food was a massive motivator for DD so we introduced loads of choices and signs at mealtimes. At the moment she's really into jelly, so she gets a choice of jelly or yogurt (she always chooses jelly) then we take the opportunity to introduce the colour signs. So far this year we've cracked red, pink, purple and are working on green and yellow!

Thank you again, and how interesting that your DD got PECS in the end - maybe that will be the case for us. Really good and reassuring to know that her communication has improved so much, too.

Our DD is massively into jelly too - and I keep thinking I ought to teach her her colours somehow, so that's a good idea. She doesn't really watch videos or telly much, annoyingly, but I will make an effort to get her to sit through at least some of Something Special. Maybe she'll get into telly eventually - as she is a bit hyper, it would be amazing to get her into it so I could sit down occasionally!

Thanks so much

x