AIBU to think, quit having babies until you can still cope with the ones that you have?

[daisy5678]

I'm not judging. Well, maybe a little. My friend has a boy with autism, more severely than my son, and 2 other kids. She really struggles, even with the help of her husband, and they're also very short of cash. Her autistic son is very violent and they can really struggle with keeping the littler ones safe and going out is a nightmare for them. She's having the usual battles with SS and DLA and Statementing that we all have and is constantly knackered and often stressed, a feeling I can understand and is common in this situation.

I can also understand wanting another baby. I certainly do but also know that it is impossible, given that I am only just coping with J and probably wouldn't if I didn't get the support off SS that I do get. I know that I couldn't manage another baby and so have filed it under the 'nice dream - consider it in a few years if things have got easier' drawer in my head. It wouldn't be fair on J or the poor baby who would probably end up beaten up and certainly lacking in attention, given that J needs so much.

So AIBU to be a little when said friend announced that she is going to start trying for another baby soon? This is the woman who was in tears about being refused more than 5 hours of respite a week as she needed (understandably) more than that to be able to look after the others and do things with them and get a bit of calm time. If things are bad now, how will they be any better with a baby?

Yes you are judging (a lot). It is nothing to do with you.

Hmm, tis a little bit to do with me when I often end of 'lending' her money (that I don't get back) and helping ferry her/ the kids around because she's had a crisis. I know I'm judging but I genuinely don't get it. Why make an already stressful, close-to-the-edge life more so? Who is that good for?

I am sorry to sound harsh and I know she is your friend, but if this is how it makes you feel, don't lend her money, don't ferry her around in a crisis.

You are judging (obviously you're judging) but I don't think you're judging unfairly by which I mean that from the bare facts, as you've stated them, I'd feel exactly the same if it were a friend of mine. The last thing I think you should do is to suddenly cut her off - what's that all about? You can help friends out while feeling ambivalent about it, just hanging them out to dry is not a constructive approach

I feel a bit sad for your friend.

I feel sad for her too, just as I feel sad for me and all the other people who would like a baby but who realistically can't manage another one without reducing their children's quality of life.

Bellavita, I can't cut her off, as 4nomore says. I just think she should consider this a bit more carefully because it's not just about wanting another baby, is it? It should be about considering the impact on others. Riven, I don't know how fair it is to expect siblings to become lifelong carers. I certainly wish my parents didn't leave so much of the responsbility of looking after my ASD sister to me.

I probably am BU. I just think having a baby should be a bit more of a realistic decision rather than just based on wanting another baby.

What you wrote was lovely and I know what you mean. It's not that I expect her not to have another because she has a son with SN though - I guess I expect her not to have another because she can't cope with the ones she has. I don't get why she spends her time telling everyone she can't cope and is desperate for sleep and respite and then wants to add to that. It's clearly me being weird and control-freaky though!

hear what you are saying...

but i guess people make their own choices, and you can also make your own choices

When you want a baby, you want a baby.

I want 4 more. But I couldn't afford them or cope with them. Should I have them? I am well aware that part of my feelings about this stem from jealousy, by the way, but I just think that logic has to override someone's 'wants' sometimes. It also seems a little unfair to willingly and knowingly do something which means that everyone around her (husband, friends, social services, benefits system etc.) will have to give and do more, just because she wants another. Not to mention the effect on the other children. I guess I don't get how Ican'tcopeIcan'tcope turns into gimmeanotherone.

I think there is never a right time, never enough money, never the perfect moment to have children... I think a family is not something you can plan exactly & guess what, when you do, your perfect plans may just end up turned upside down when your perfect little bundle has SN'S

I guess what I am trying to say is that having children is often more about following your heart than your mind.

The other way of looking at it is, if she has that much on her plate anyway is one more small person in the house really going to make that much difference?

I suppose so.

I had DS2, knowing full-well it was going to add to my workload when I wasn't coping very well in the first place. It was an itch that had to be scratched and it did make life more difficult but so much more happy. It was a heart, not a head decision, like this one your friend is making.

It seems this is not the only thing your friend has done that has rumbled your relationship with her and I wonder why you end up doing so much stuff for her? I know it sounds harsh, but I wouldn't be so generous and make it clear to her that you would like to help but you have to watch your money and take care of your - challenging - family too. She sounds a bit selfish since she doesn't pay you back and I would also take a step back from her while remaining friendly. It sounds like she may be overlooking your needs.

Hmm

this cpould be me you know GMS? I am that whinger LOL

yet I ensure ds4 is safe, and loved, and thriving. ANd I didnt see why fucking autism so should steal all my dreams and ambitions (we always wanted 4)

Maybe there is a little of that here?