asd and classmates parties

[Larissaisonline]

Hi everyone
ds3 (4 asd) went to first bday party last weekend. Had a great time for 1st half hour or so, then kind of went into his own world kicking a balloon around for most of the time. Wasnt really interested in musical statues and the other games but enjoyed himself nevertheless. He has been in reception since sept (went to a different nursery prior to that so none of the parents really know of his problems). I was the only parent that stayed there whilst everyone else just dropped their kids off. He has another party there again next weekend and just feel so bloody umcomfortable sitting there watching him and wishing he was just like everyone else. It really bought home that he is far behind his peers and am dreading doing it all again this weekend. I know I shouldn't care about what other people think, he tries so hard and then just seems to give up with everyone. Probably should be a bit more upfront with parents etc but at the same time don't want to tell them anything as then I think he will never get invited anywhere. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Laris, i feel for you, i really do.

Ds was invited to his first ever party since starting school (he started 15 months ago!). He was invited because 'quite a few others couldnt come' weeks after invitations were handed out, to make up the numbers!

I felt quite offended, but he was none the wiser and was so excited that he had been invited to a party, so we went.

Like your ds, he spent most of the party on his own, doing his own thing, didnt eat. I dont tell everyone about his difficulties, i stayed because 'it wasnt worth going all the way home'. Others just see him as being shy and quiet and a bit odd. I did tell a parent when ds was at nursery and she told her child 'ds is ill'

Ds had fun, in his own way. Ds enjoyed the party, in his own way. Even though no one wanted to play with him, ds felt accepted, in his own way.

As long as your ds is getting something from going, i wouldnt worry about everyone else.

I really, really feel for you, too.

My 5 yr old DS has Asperger's (we think - still waiting for official diagnosis) and doesn't cope well with parties (usually has big meltdowns when things don't happen as he expected them to).

Other parents at school are only just starting to become aware that DS has issues and is not just 'naughty'. He still isn't invited to many parties, to be honest .

It is really hard knowing that your child is different and that others don't always understand or accommodate that.

No advice, really, as I am still getting to grips with all of this myself, but just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Larissa, have you thought about just staying for an hour or so of the party just to get your son used to parties and then build it up? I think 2 hours can feel a long time to 4 year olds anyway.

I know exactly how you feel because I was always one of the only parents staying at a party with my older daughter. I just used to help as much as possible and I think most parents appreciate that.

I find it slightly odd that all the other parents were happy to leave their children, dd1 has been to around 10 parties in the past year (she's now 6) and most of the parents stayed at the party. I would not be happy leaving either of mine at a party even though dd1 would probably be ok. Dd2 is just like your DS, she really enjoys parties but is happy to kick a balloon around or do her own thing rather than join in on party games.

I have only taken dd2 to 2 parties (she's 4) and one was for a friend at nursery, i found it really hard as there were older children there who kept commenting on dd2 and her eating habits and we got a lot of stares as dd2 held her ears most of the time (due to loud noise).

Dd1 has been invited to a party next sat and i am dreading it as its for 4 hours and i will have to stay with her. I am doing my best to get out of it.

Thanks for your replies everyone.

Claw, have you told any other school mums about your ds? My friend thinks I shouldn't but am wondering if it would perhaps make things a bit easier. There are quite a few sn kids at his school so he is by no means the only "different" one. I am the sort of person that tells my problems to the world and keeping it to myself is quite hard. I am probably not making any new school mum friends because of it IYSWIM.

It really is a help to hear from you all. Am feeling a bit sorry for myself at the mo - have got to fill out DLA forms for mobility and also compose a back up letter for his statement. Have to really gear myself up for it

Sorry Marne just saw your post. I thought it was odd that all the other kids were dropped off as well. Will def offer to help the parents at the next one. That is a great idea vjg13.

I am quite open with the dd's dx's, most of the parents know that dd2 has ASD as its quite obvious (more so than dd1). I would rather people know rather then them judging my dd's and staring. If i leave dd1 with anyone then i tell them about her Aspergers just in case she gets anxious about anything (sucgh as food or using the toilet).

Lariss, I told one parent at school that ds was autistic, as we had invited her ds home for a play date. Her reply 'whats that'. She then started to speak very slowly and loudly (as if he was deaf) whenever she spoke to ds!

Ds has never been invited to go to someones house or on a play date. If he were ever to be invited, then i would mention it. On a need to know basis kind of thing!

I do tend to keep myself to myself in the playground. If im entirely honest i wouldnt want ds to go to another childs house, unless i knew them well. He has no idea when others are being nasty to him and cant explain or wont 'tell' if they are. Kids being kids take advantage of him.

DS1 is now in year 1 and hasn't been invited to a single party this year (and only to two last year). Partly it's a class thing lots of kids at his school come from very poor homes where parties would be too much of an expense. But I have to accept it's also because ds1 is too disruptive and aggressive in school to be invited by those children who do have parties even the children of the mums I am friendly with and who know about ds1's dx . It's so unfair and it wrings my heart that he gets excluded socially, and probably, it'll get worse as he gets older and he will get more aware that it's happening .

Yeah, DD got invited to a few parties last year (when she was 4-5) but has only been invited to one this year and that was at a soft play centre. Trouble is everyone knows now (it's kind of obvious she's different!!) and her social skills are so bad that it's not a great surprise she doesn't get invited because she doesn't really have "friends". However, her birthday in a couple of months so I shall retaliate by inviting ALL of them (she's in a split class so there's only 12 kids from her year in a class of 28, so easy just to invite all of them) and then some of them will be obliged to invite her to theirs as she just LOVES birthday parties!