Why do we even try ...

[Ampersand44]

... to go anywhere! I have to work (from home) today - catching up after too much 'school refusal'. DS1 is out, DH decides to take DS2 to a museum we know he would like (but hasn't been to before). Told in advance, showed the place on the Internet. We know he'd love it if we got him there, it is about someone he is interested in. But no, screaming and yelling, refusing to go 'why don't I get any choice in my life' etc. Fair enough, we get the message, but all he does want to do is sit on the DS all day, and that's not happening. Although am dreading the DX coming through, part of me cannot wait for someone to come along and help us learn how to handle this - or is this it, will he always be like this? Weird thing is that he can cope (sort of) with big thing like going on holiday abroad, but small local things send him into meltdown. Aaaaargh!!

We ventured out today (DH AS me and both dd's ASD), what a nightmare it was. Dd1 never wants to go out, would prefer to stay at home and go on the PC or wii, Dd2 loves going out as long as she gets her own way and Dh rarely goes out and seems to forget that we are with him and disapears into WH Smiths for 2 hours whilst i stand in the rain with 2 screaming dd's. Tomorrow we shall be staying in .

We prepare the dd's like you do (by showing them pictures on the net ect..), sometimes it works other times it doesn't and we end up coming home early. Both dd's cope well with holidays (big change) but not small trips out.

My dd's are only 4 and 6, i do hope it will get easier as they get older. Dh is 41 and still doesn't like going out .

Oh dear that was a rant, sorry. We try because we love him of course . And once the meltdown had nearly passed a foot massage and another look at the website did the trick (helped by the fact that it mentioned some names very similar to Pokemon characters).
If I keep doing the foot massage while he hits me you can almost see the rage melting away. Not sure though if it is giving mixed messages about something nice happening while he is doing something awful - what a minefield! Only just chanced on this strategy but feel it is so important for him to discover something that feels nice - was doing it the other day while he was doing some cross-stich (yes, really!!!) and he grinned and said 'I feel rich' - that is the nearest he has ever got to expressing real contentment in his 8 years I think, interesting phrase, rich!, but I could see the proper spark of feeling on his face.
Better shut up now and actually get on with the work!

Thanks Marne. Interesting others can do the big not small changes. I wonder why that is.
Sometimes I draw lists with pictures while we are out and he can tick that as we go along. But like you say it either goes ok or it doesn't.
Have a nice day in tomorrow! We are supposed to do the battle to church then the battle on an egg hunt - maybe I will have more luck with the second as at least it involves chocolate ...

Our Paed once asked "For whose benefit do you plan your outings? Is it because J wants to go? or is it because you think J should want to go?"
Once I realised it was the latter I decided to take the pressure off of us all and let J lead.
Some weeks he chooses not to go anywhere others he chooses two or three outings. The difference is though that we have very few failures now whereas beforehand most trips out ended in tears mine and his.
Some trips are pretty much safe bets like bowling,cinema and to the snooker hall but some of them J researches them himself and may take a while before he gathers up the courage (currently planning seeing a proper football game in a stadium, has already visited the ground whilst empty as a first step) But we are led by him and now the pressure is off he is getting more willing and able.

You are right of course asdx2,and I manage it with things like not arguing if he would rather go to bed fully dressed - as long as he will go there who cares what he wears! But every now and then I have this daft notion that I want some say in what we do - silly me . I need to try and work it out so that if we do something he feels he has much more control over what and when. I will get used to it eventually!

Maybe you could offer choices, is there somewhere he actually enjoys going? Could you offer him a choice of dates when to go? A choice of where to eat whilst you are out or a choice of reward for co operating whilst you are out.
I know it's really difficult but sooner or later he is going to be too big and strong for you to control anything he chooses not to do. Ds is now a foot taller than me and I have accepted that if he's not willing then there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
Sooner or later I think we all come to the conclusion that some battles are not worth the fight tbh.