where do you take your SN child and NT siblings in hols/ weekends?

[dontgetmadgeteverything]

Am getting more and more frustrated trying to think of suitable outings for the whole family (an NT 6yr old, ASD 3yr old and a baby). When we just had the older two we never let the ASD stop us doing anything but now with a third it feels like our world is getting smaller all the time. It just seems like too much effort to take them all out when if our ASD DS1 plays up we now have more children than pairs of hands! Am getting quite depressed as it not only makes me feel like a useless mother, depriving all the children of the chance to go to new places, but to see my own horizons shrinking, and feeling like the autism has taken away all hopes of a normal-ish family life. Maybe it's the grim weather or the approaching Easter hols but suddenly I just want to scream

I know DGMGE, that's how I feel sometimes as well, when I hear what other people are doing with their kids, I feel guilty that mine are missing out - dp works shifts as well - so am often on own at w/k's etc!

I also have 3 dc's - ds1 (10, nt), ds2 (9, asd/adhd) and dd3 (7 on thurs, nt) and not having a 3rd pair of hands does make it harder!!

I do think holidays are difficult because it can be a bit isolating - or in our house everyone is on top of each other!.

I am hoping to go to the cinema (which is expensive) which they all enjoy and we will probably visit friends and my oldest friend and her kids will come over and that's about it.

Don't feel useless, it's not about being a bad mum, you can only cope with what you can cope with - I try and be superwoman and end up being cruella de ville so there's no point!! You have a young baby, so it's particularly tough now, my DS1 is now (almost) at an age where he can give me a hand if Ds2 kicks off so in some ways your horizons will broaden - have you thought of Contact a Family?

I, too, know how you feel. I have 3, DD1 (4.4, GDD, Cortical Dysplasia, Epilepsy), DD2 (2.7 NT) & DD3 (0.11, NT).

We have been offered a week's holiday at a lodge house full-board by Mothers' Union via Homestart, which is an amazing blessing, but our first thought was "they don't have stairgates". DD1 is hard work at home, and we have stairgates on every door except the lounge.

Are there no Aiming High groups running? You could take your SN child to one and have a bit of time with your other 2 DC.

I have DS1 16 (nt) DS2 13 (SN) DD 7 (NT)

If it is any comfort, for us it got easier as they got older.
DS1 is brillinat with DS2 and will get him involved in stuff. DD plays with him too and is capeable of over seeing him a bit.
We are on hols tomorrow.. DS1 will play ball games with DS2 ( although DS2 just throws the ball away and giggles ), DD is always up for going to the playground with him or getting in the pool to play with him while I just sit on the side... ( why do children not care how bloomin cold it is).

They all like the cinema, they all like going to sport with us ( although DS2 goes for the cheering, the sweets at half time and the dancing girls).

When they were smaller it was lomg walks in the woods, trampoline in the garden, swimming and cinema

I know it is scant comfort.I know you can't do many of these things yet with a baby. But i remember feeling we were going to be in all day forever when DD was small and I just thought you might like to hear news from a few years ahead...

Vue does a Kids AM which is £1 per person (so long as you have at least 1 child with you). So cinema need not be expensive (assuming you have a vue within reasonable driving dist.)

What about soft play areas?
We do self catering cottages for vacations. Can put them to bed and open the wine in peace...

I take them to the mall too. I know that sounds crap - but it's always seems to work as long as I don't really try and get any shopping done. They go on those rides (£1 etc). Go upstairs where it's not too crowded and stand at the railings looking down on the people - they all seem to love that.
Then go to sainburys and get some thing for lunch - go back upstairs and eat it. Some lunch lands on the heads of said people downstairs but hey ho...

Walks in the woods and swimming are a big hit with all too. We go cycling now they are a bit older. Dd 8 sen, ds 4 nt.

I am expecting another in Nov so anticipating it will suddenly get much harder. But it should get easier again after a few years.

we do trips to the shopping centre too - especially around Christmas time - the dds (dd1, 5, ASD, dd1 - 3, NT) love looking at the displays and trees.

then a snack on a bench ( odd child dd1 loves benches)

and yes, playgrounds and swimming.

it's a wonder we don't all know each other already - we all hang out in the smae sorts of places!

I have been known to make a trip out along the lines of: inventing that we need something dd1 is obsessed with (paperclips being the most obvious one I recall). so all in the car - quick chat about which shopping centre to go to (dd1 chose)

get there, walk around all the shops selling paperclips so dd1 could help choose which ones we needed

coffee break while we decided which ones to buy (coloured stripey ones, iirc) back to buy them, and then home again.

the whole trip took about 2 hours.

and then I felt less guilty about retreating while they watched cbeebies etc, as at least they had been out of the house that day...

Our local centre offers siblings sessions so DS with ASD aged two and DD aged 9 will have something to so. It's £15 each way in a taxi so not something we could do without the DLA.

DD has "been referred" to Young Carers.

It's on my list to chase up with SALT, LEA, O.T, Ed Psych, Pre-School...

silverfrog - my ds loves benches too!

Only got two but we still struggle .
If the whole family thing feels too much sometimes we take the kids out separately. With a ds with gdd and sensory issues/asd and a 17 month year old bolter it feel like we're herding cats all day otherwise.

Parks, woods and other outside places are good for us. get them good and hungry then lure them back to car/bus with snacks

Silverfrog -just when I thought DS2 and DD1 were diverging - he loves benches too . Only because he associates them with snacks though.

I do very little with DS1 and 2 together on my own. As a family we do walks, trips in campervan, seaside, playgrounds, National Trust properties (gardens not houses!) Some museumy type places are OK if they provide sensory experiences. SS Great Britain was a great hit this weekend - see-through grids in the floor, hot air blowers dehumidifying the hull, little cabin beds to lie in, lots of revolving wheels and engine parts... he was in heaven .

We divide out the care as DH takes unpaid leave in the hols. Luckily got an Aiming High teenage project for a few days (for the time being) too.

No point taking the whole family out together, it usually ends in tears so we take it in turns to have DS1 (SN) so DS2 gets to avoid being attacked and having trips cut short. The park on a sunny day is where we can all co-exist and it's free.

DD just fends for herself, but she's more-or-less grown up now

Sod. All.

The grim weather really doesn't help; so many things in the UK are "outside" activities and DD1 is hypersensitive to cold so they're not accessible till high summer.

Plus indoor stuff tends to be expensive, high functioning, involves stairs or trip hazards and is intolerant of People Who Scream Randomly. Or inappropriate for People Who Eat Craft Materials. Or so boring that In The Absence Of Craft Materials We Eat Our Own Shoes.

Summer is a lot easier tbh. DD1 can go outside more and we have lots of annual passes and get value from them all. I think it will get harder for a while as DD2 gets older and becomes too old for the few things DD1 can access. And then get easier again as DD2 gets more independent and starts to do more things with friends.

This is becoming more of a problem for us as DS2 is becoming more aware that he cannot play the way he wants to with DS1 and that a lot of our attention is focussed on DS1. I do feel conscious that I need to find DS2 some friends his own age to meet up with more often - a siblings 'play date' scheme is what we need.

You know all those guides that come out in newspapers etc. this time of the year (or for the summer holidays)? The 1000 things to do/100 places to go with your (almost inevitably NT) children?
I have a good mind to write to Guardian/Time Out/whatever and say, why not write a guide specific to children with SN (and forgetting for a moment that they are all very different SN)? There is enough demand, they could get sponsorship/government/charity money to do it and (which would be genius on their part) they could pay some of us (well, you, I only have one child to two adults, so I can't complain really - it's parks or museums depending on the weather, he runs around and we chase after him) to test things out and report back.

Sphil

I'm not so sure dd1 and ds2 are diverging- I saw your beginning aggrssion thread and was yet again by how similar they are. Dd1 threw her shoe at her teacher today because she (teacher) wouldn't help dd1 put it on (dd1 more than capable of doing it, but wanted to remain prompt dependent...) So yet again they are twins!

AND I caught her raiding the choc drawer the other day- she has never done anything like it before.

The main reason dd1 loves benches is because that is where raisins magically appear!

This could be me. I am ashamed to say that I only have one DS (ASD) but the nature of his outbursts and the fact that he hits other children mean that many activities are off-limits to us. Soft play is my idea of hell on earth, as he is in an enclosed space. He screams at adults, kicks in queues, and I find that I am lacking the strength ATM to deal with the stares, comments and vitriol. We have become hermits, as I have been ill and have lost confidence, so I know what you mean about your world getting smaller and smaller. I have just been reading the Guardain 1,000 things to do, and I think there were possibly 10 things that would suit DS.

We need regional MN groups for SN, then we could meet up for days out and woe betide anyone who dared comment!

ooh dyou know about merlins magic wand? Found out about today. Passes and travel costs to merlin group attractions. here

You apply though so one for the summer

We have family pass for thinktank and botanical gardens in brum. We go there a bit as a family. Oh and seaworld / sealife centre. That appeals to both of mine (rabid and expensive in the hols so tend to avoid. Home in on our local aquatic shop instead )

We are attempting a holiday in a couple of weeks. Aye it is a bit same old care stuff hard work somewhere else but hey ho - change of scene and smell of sea might count for something! We've got a weekend of night care waiting for us when we get back which might be when the hol kicks in for us!

Thanks so much for all your comments and suggestions. The best thing of all is knowing that we're not alone, and phew, not the only ones who have to treat a shopping centre as a day out (and sadly not for the shopping). Have to admit a lot of it comes down to not feeling up to facing the stares as a 'different' family, when everyone else seems so normal and happy. It's often the pity that does me in. Basically what i'm saying is we need to find some woods nearby to go and hang out in! Seriously, sounds like a great idea. And will look into the Merlin thing, though theme parks might be beyond me just now

dd1 11, ds 9, dd2 7 -sld, wheelchair and tube-fed, etc.

Pet shop is a good place to while away some time!

Soft play is useless because dd2 can't get in, swimming is also a no-no because I can't let go of her in the water, so my arms ache after 20 mins and she gets cold.

Then we go places when dd2 is in respite! Sometimes I get a babysitter for her - I have a few "special" toys for her that come out when the rest of us go out without her.

DGMGE, you do develop a thicker skin and deflect the stares eventually.

Theme parks would take a lot of mental preparation from me - just the idea of going somewhere with no certainty of where to feed and change a severely disabled child.

For summer holidays, we self-cater.

Thederkinsdame - get a letter to the Gruniad, put your point across, it will help them and might help get some of it off your chest!