DD hates school.....need advice pls?

[sahs1969]

I'm pretty new to this site but am finding it very informative.
I have a dd of 9yrs in Yr 4 who we are in the process of appealing for a statement of needs for her.
She has complex issues/needs-really struggles at school-has ADD, ASD, Dyspraxia-is on SA+ but for the past 2 months not a day goes by when she doesn't come out of school and the minute we get in to the car she bursts in to tears-always telling us the same-how kids in her class tease her, tell her she's weird, how she can't keep up with the work, or doesn't always hear what she has to do.
Tonight things with her were awful-this poor little girl was sobbing for about 2hrs-she has written a letter to the SENCO at school saying she is unhappy as people are horrible to her but she has only just fallen asleep after telling me she is "worthless, an idiot, ugly, wishes she'd never been born". My heart is breaking for her-I just don't know where to go from here-when I discuss anything with school they just tell me that they don't see anything wrong at school and that she appears happy??????

Any advice of where to go from here????

Thanks
x

Dear Sahs1969
What an awful thing to have to deal with, it's heartbreaking to hear how unhappy your dd is at school. I have a son with Aspergers in mainstream who constantly talks about a boy who teases and threatens him but the school tell me that this is not happening. In many ways I think it is harder for girls as boys tend to throw a punch and it is all forgotten wheresas girls psychologically bully and this seems to be happening to your daughter. Take the letter your daughter has written and if the SENCO is also a mum, ask her how she would feel if it was her child coming home everday, breaking her heart. I do feel that sometimes with ASD children, teachers think that it comes with the disability and therefore is not so bad i.e get used to it! If you get no joy, then ask to speak to the head and get a copy of their antibullying policy. It would also be worth knowing the name of the Governer responsible for SEN in the school. Things seemed to have improved for my son as the kid seems to have moved on to someone else - he has a reputation for being the year group bully so at least it isn't just my ds.
good luck
x

we have school refusal here too, and simular behaviour from DD1. I have to remind myself she has spent all day surpressing all of her ASD traits that get her into trouble, so releases them as soon as she feels safe and able too
With DD1 it can takes weeks to work out what the problem really is, and can be as simple as someone loooked at her wrong. She does a lot of story writing at home about what worries and her day. She uses the PC whichs helps too, then she broings them to me, we talk though what we need to do with the story, sometimes nothing needs to be done, but atleast I know, does that make sense??

DD1 also has one to one once a week with SN teacher to do social stories and discuss worries, any chance she can get that???

Do you have any input from CAMHS? It sounds like she has such a low level of self esteem and they can refer to psychologists who can help. It sounds like practical solutions need to be put into place at school to help her, rather than dealing only with the psychological distress. But CAMHS can help by putting pressure on to services and saying how much the lack of help is affecting her mental health. They may also be able to offer therapies like CBT to help with self esteem.

Please don't call it school refusal. It's a pretty strange kid who would not refuse to go to a place where she doesn't feel safe and is bullied.

It's not 'school refusing' it's a primary mechanism for keeping yourself safe - stay away from school.

I read this with horror --

"when I discuss anything with school they just tell me that they don't see anything wrong at school and that she appears happy??????"

i used to get that same trite statement from DS's school - until I learnt the real truth of the absue he was being subjected to daily.

DOn't belive what school tells you - schools lie - BELIEVE THE CHILD.

You need to write to school recounting what she has told you - naming specific children if at all possible. You need to remind them that while she is in their school they have a duty of care towards her and that they should start exercising it. You could also enclose her own version of what's been happening.

Keep ohotocopies of everything you sed to them but demand action - for her sake. Schools know they are pretty powerless to censure bullying pupils and have a tendency to bury their heads in teh sand - you need to force them to tackle the issue.

Sorry - something I feel very strongly about as my 21 year old is still bearing the scras.

Hi

Sorry to gatecrash - am new to MN.

I have a DD in year 3 with SN who is so unhappy at her school that we've put our house on the market to move elsewhere!

She has absence epilepsy (between 5 and 30 seizures per day) and other health issues. She is slow and has issues with motor skills and her cognitive skills aren't brilliant.

the children in her class are generally lovely, but she had a period of bullying for several months last year. (The school did take action on it eventually - but this is the only thing that theyhave done for her since she's been at the school.) Apparently they had been learning about differences between children as part of PHSE which they think sparked this off.

The main issues that she has faced over the years has been the treatment by her teachers of her condition and the lack of support given to her. I'm too tired to fight with the school any longer! The only response that I get from the head is that I should consider taking my child out and home school her.

Have you tried getting your local councillor involved? Mine was useless, but apparently this can kick them into action.

I've also been home educating my ds for the last few months. Even though he is statemented, he found school too distressing. We had the tears everyday too, and the self loathing. It's just awful having to watch your child go through this day in day out.

Thank you all very much for your replies-HE I don't think would ever work for her or I as she is just so defiant that she wouldn't get any work done, she refuses any help, will cry the minute we mention homework and make every excuse under the sun not to do it.

I am in the process of collecting some info together to send to her Paediatrician on PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance-also on the ASD and will see what she has to say-or I will be asking for a referrel to get a 2nd opinion.

As for school-dd wrote a letter which she was going to hand in to the SENCO this morning so will wait for a call from her to see what she has to say about it.....also got Parents evening tomorrow and will discuss this with the Head.

I just feel so so so sad for my dd.
x

Are you planning to look for a different school if she gets a statement? The right provision can make a huge difference, especially specialist schools. It sounds like the school aren't particularly knowledgable or helpful and even if she gets a statement, they may still fail to recognise her needs.

It is never too early to start looking around at schools. You could think about changing now to another mainstream which has a good reputation for SEN or look for a special school for when she gets a statement.

Good luck - I hope the letter spurs them to take action. I had the same denial from DDs school and still do over the teachers treatment of her and requirements for support.

Is your DD classed as disabled. If so, reminding the school that they have a duty under the Disability Discrimination Act to protect such children might help.

Really feel for you - it's heartbreaking seeing my DD so distraught.

I would also agree with sugarcandymountain re looking at other schools. We've found a lovely small village school near where we want to move to. They appear really pro SN, are happy to take my DD (and DS) and because of the size of the school have little problems with bullying. They've even agreed to assess her needs (something we've been battling with for 5 years here - but according to IPSEA Hertfordshire are about the worst county for SN.)

We had a similar problem in year 4 with our DS who has Aspergers. I think part of the problem was that the bullying is quite low-level and goes under the teacher's radar - things like hiding his pencils, tripping him up as he walked through the classroom, ostracising in the playground. Ironically, I was about to have a talk with the teacher about a couple of incidents which I witnessed, when there was an incident where another child was teasing DS by taking one of his shoes and throwing it around which culminated in the bully being bitten. This didn't make it easy to then claim that DS was being bullied as it looked a bit like being defensive. We had to detail the bullying incidents, describe his feelings which were very similar to those you describe - he would sit there very depressed and announce that no-one liked him. In their favour, I would say that once the school actually took it on board, they did put together a Circle of Friends, which did work wonders. The kids in the Circle look out for you and try and include you in their games, etc. They also tell you when you're being annoying and set targets for you so it works quite well. In year 6, unfortunately the SENCO changed, the Circle was disbanded and all the same problems started up again. We had another battle, wrote letters, quoted Tony Attwood, the DDA and eventually got a new circle of friends. If your DD's school cannot at least accept that your DD could use some support from her classmates, then perhaps changing school would be the best thing. For us, secondary school has been a complete breath of fresh air (fingers crossed): there has been so much more support.

My child has severe specific learning difficulties, his self esteem and confidence plummeted whilst in mainstream primary school. We had "school refusal" from about 7 yrs, he was distraught, anxious and weepy. Schools response was he was fine, even though he cried during most lessons. It was an awful time I did not feel that I was sending him to a safe place.

We had started the statement process and looked around at other schools, including independent and specialist schools. He was also referred to CAHMS for assessment - concern was that he clinically depressed because of the school environment and that we were concerned about the long term effects of childhood depression and anxiety.
CAMHS were good because they said that our childs depression/anxiety was probably due to inappropriate school provision.

You do need to record each incident, send the school an email, copy in the LEA. Confirm any telephone conversations that you have had with the school with an email(keep a folder). The school does have a duty of care to your child. See SEN Code of Practice re definition of special needs and Disability Discrimination Act. You can ask for a copy of the school bullying policy and a copy of the Disability Equality Scheme.

It can get better, it takes some time, you need to look after yourself as well. Our child now has a statement which appropriatly reflects his needs and provision needed (took a year to get a good statement). He is now in a school that specialises in teaching children with specific learning difficulties (small classes with teaching staff who understand their needs). He is still an anxious child, but moving schools was very positive even from day one. He enjoys school, no more school refusal. You can see his confidence growing daily. I feel that he has got his childhood back. He is now willing to have a go.

Good luck!

IPSEA (Independant Panel of Special Educational Needs Advisors) were brilliant, they have a web site and phone advisors, we couldnt have got by without them (Free). If you have started the statement process they will help you survive it and ensure that you have the right advise to make sure the statement adequately reflects the needs and resources required.

Good luck

Just wanted to say - as a home edder - that for a child who hates school to come out of school unwilling to do anything that even vaguely looks like academics is normal normal normal. And for a child who hates school to be totally switched off learning is normal normal normal.

A common rule of thumb is to spend a month "de-schooling" for every year that a child has spent in school - so for your daughter, that would mean doing absolutely nothing explicitly academic or formal for 5 months from withdrawing her from school. You would use that time to rebuild her self-esteem, get to know local home ed groups, build her social confidence, and jut do lots of fun stuff together while the two of you worked out what style of home ed - formal, autonomous, eclectic etc - you'd want to pursue