dealing with anger/aggression for the first time

[sphil]

DS2(7, ASD) is making a lot of progress atm. He has always been a calm placid child - willing to go with the flow, with no rigid routines. This seems to be changing as he is progressing: he is getting very angry when things don't go his way and is sometimes expressing this in a physical way - most commonly by grabbing me and pushing his face really hard into whatever part of my body he can reach, but occasionally by pinching or hitting. I can cope with this - I just say 'You're very angry' and hold him off. But today he lashed out at DS1, who was very shocked. I'm worried in case it happens at school - I know they're pushing him more academically now and he does sometimes try to pinch them when he doesn't want to do stuff.

I know this is a silly question - but what is the best way of dealing with this? I want us to have a consistent approach - something that we can all do, including DS1, and that I can pass on to school. He doesn't have much language but can verbalise 'sad' and 'angry'. He understands simple sentences but nothing too complex. Do I say ' No hurting' or 'No hitting' ? Is it a good idea to verbalise his anger for him? Should I ignore, look angry?

Just to add - I'm actually quite pleased he's being like this - I see it as a natural part of his development. He really has been almost unnaturally passive up to now. But he obviously can't hurt people.

(bump)

Hi Sphil, i'll be interested in the responses, I also have an extrememly passive 7 yo (asd) who is starting to show a bit of character
Mainly just door slamming, but he has added the odd head bang & started kicking a little.
So far i've just been saying no hitting x etc but maybe something else is needed.

I find saying to my DS1 "hands down!" is more successful than saying no hitting - we find when he is very angry the word no incenses him more.

As well as saying no hitting you could do a picture of him hitting something (if he's cooperative enough to pose when calm) and then put a red cross on it, so as well as saying 'no hitting' show him the picture. The other thing I do is remove myself and ds2 from the room, at least turn my back, so I'm not giving the behaviour lots of attention. (Well, that's the theory anyway, I'm not saying I always react well, like the time I screamed 'you little bst-d' in front of huge crowds when he bit my upper arm hard enough for the teeth to break the skin through clothing .)

But good to hear that your ds is making progress because getting angry is a sign of engagement with the world.

That's exactly right Niminy - he really IS engaging with the world more.

I think I'll try the 'hands down' tactic - he also becomes more angry when he hears the word 'no' - and even a mention of the action seems to incense him, so if I say 'no hitting' he often wails 'hitting, hitting, HITTING'. Removing attention may work as well. I've also tried giving him a cushion to hit - but don't always have it to hand!

Yes, I like 'hands down' too, and am going to try it myself. This really is the place for top tips!

ds1 did this too, at around 6 or so I think. I was pleased too.

ds1 dealt with it best by going to his quiet space and having time to zone out on his own. He also likes these rubber animal things to stretch adn fiddle with, or bubble wrap to pop. Anything to distract him. ds has improved a lot now. I think when it suddenly kicks in, it is hard for them to deal with, and he will learn how to cope with it in his own time.

I knew this would be you! Because of ds2's age. DS1 was exactly the same.

When ds1 gets angry and hitty I make him sit down. Doesn't matter where we are he sits down. When he's sitting he can't go for me so easily and it also gives him some space to calm down.

School do something involving red and green spots on chairs, which I don't think would work so well here, but the sitting down might remind him on that.

We and school use keep feet/fingers/teeth/hands/head to yourself - depending on the aggression being unleashed.

This is happening more with my DS too. When he doesn't get what he wants he's starting to hit or push me instead of just accepting it and trying something else. The 'no hitting' or 'hands down' picture sounds like it might be helpful for us too. DS is only 4, but I really want to nip this behaviour in the bud - he's already big and strong for his age.

You ladies are clever!!!

Ds2 has come home from school, change of routine on the way home, then i refused him some chocolate so he started spitting & hitting his head against the bannister.

I said sit down X, Gave him his blanket to wrap around himself calm (sort of) was restored.
who would think something as simple as sitting him down would work!

Thank you thank you thank you!!!!

Well we haven't had any more aggression but since yesterday DS2 has

repeatedly stolen handfuls of Cheerios from the packet.
stepped over the stairgate on his bedroom door and appeared downstairs at 10pm asking for 'computer'.
stolen and eaten four milk choc Rich Teas

Now none of this may seem unusual but he has NEVER done things like this before. We've never had to lock food away - he just didn't ever take anything that wasn't given to him. The stairgate has been low enough for him to climb over for the last year - he's never attempted it.
. I'm delighted actually - it all seems so much more 'normal'. Although I wasn't so delighted at the effect of the choc biscuits on the poo.....

lol anon.

Uh oh sphil. Yes I remember when ds1 changed from super passive to super NOT passive.

Hope you have lots of locks on your doors.......

Is this typical, then? Just started going through the same thing with dd1 (9, AS). She has also gone from being super-passive to being argumentative and aggressive.

Her outbursts of anger are increasing and she has started to hit herself in the face when she gets angry.
Great thread, Sphil - a real eye-opener for me.

I wonder why it happens? I think I read that boys get a testosterone surge at 7 - could that be it? And maybe pre-puberty with your DD Sibling?

He's still his chilled self most of the time (at the moment anyway). Though he has spent most of the evening trying to swing his leg over the stairgate (now raised to its highest extent). And laughing!

Speech is suddenly much clearer as well - we had 'bakery' and 'toyshop' tonight. He was filling in words in a well known story, but normally we'd just get 'bake' and 'toysh'.
It's as if he's suddenly able to sequence things better - so he can put together the series of actions needed to steal Cheerios, climb the barrier etc and also sequence the sounds for multi-syllable words. I'm certain it's all connected.