Disipline

[Iloveponies]

My Ds1 has ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder,
He is nearly 10 and quite a large child, he can be aggressive.

My problem is how to discipline him, I feel like I am fighting a losing battle here, and I am worried that as he gets older he will basically start ruling the roost.
I have realised that I am frightened to discipline him because I dont want him to kick off.

I want to make him aware of consequences and actions,
He takes no responsibility for his actions and things are never his fault. An example,

Ds1 hit Ds2 with a toy which broke, Ds 1 said "its his fault his hip bones are too hard."

If we send him to his room when he has been naughty he gets angry and breaks something and says we have hurt his feelings by sending him there, he cant get passed this "injustice" to actually consider the reason he has been sent to his room.

I would be grateful for any advice.

I know what you mean about finding yourself unitentionally holding back to avoid an unwelcome response! After a period of hospitalisation/illness (when I was not fully on the ball) I am trying to get ds back to behaving better so am going through the BAD PATCH of trying to reestablish routines and rules with automatic consiquenses!!
I belong to aa ADHD/ASD support group (Ds is 10 with LD and ASD/ADHD) and am aware there is a network of specially trained ADHD coachers who can support a parent in making changes. I wondered if you have something similar locally?
I agree with Starlight with the guiding principal of consistency - I would add calmness too. The other thing I have heard ( and helps me feel better when going through a bad patch) is to try to give twice as much good feedback as negative - ie notice the little kindnesses,or the shirt tidily tucked in - or even pulling a punch! Also choosing a few battles at a time maybe 2 major ( be specific) and 2 minor. Some things will get an immediate consequence (such as hitting) others (like remembering to take dirty plate to the sink) could have a reminder before a consequence is enacted.
I have a book called take charge of ADHD by Barkley which I find helpful. I like the advice 'Act dont Yak' (a mistake I make is to try to talk my son into behaving - it doesn't work!) - oh and practice forgiveness to youself as well.

Actually should have mentioned motivation ie rewards (ie earn extra tv for taking plate out). Ds lacks organised motivation so giving him a reward provides external motivation.

Thanks all,

I don't know what to use as a consequence, that is where the inconsistency comes in. Do you think time out works?

We live in switzerland, so that makes it trickier.

We have been offered a family counselling session, we see a physchologist, he seems to not give practical advice though, he just sort of empathises, but maybe I should give it a try.

I will look into getting that book.

Yes,
I see what you mean, I need to get tough.
I know I am too soft, hardest game in the world, this parenting lark.

Wish me luck.

We try to use a "love & logic" approach with DS1. It helps him to understand that he does have a choice in how he behaves and that by making a choice, he can influence the outcome. Sometimes the outcome will be an artificially imposed one such as a time out, but by the time it comes to that, he's already had the choice to not do bad thing x and to avoid it. It's not always easy to do, but it helps us to feel like we're being more pro-active than reactive and helps him to feel like he has more of the control he craves.

ouryve,
I like that, pro active not reactive.